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LETTERS 


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GEORGE  Y  HOBART 


AUTHOR 

JOHN    HE>v, 


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Digitized  by  tine  Internet  Archive 

in  2007  witli  funding  from 

IVIicrosoft  Corporation 


littp://www.archive.org/details/dinl<elspielslettOOhobaiala 


DINKELSPIEL 

THE  STORY  OF  HIS  LIFE. 


FIRST  APPEARANCE 
May,  1893, 
In  the  Sunday  Scimitar^ 

Cumberland,  Md. 

RE-APPEARED 

June,  1896, 
In  the  Baltimore  Evening  News. 

MOVED 

August,  1898, 
To  the  Baltimore  American. 

JOURNEYED 

August,  1899, 
To  the  New  York  Journal. 


m 


^ 


"could  you  PLEA9E  8UCHCHKBT  8()MEI)lN(i  DOT  EATS  VEI-I., 
BUT  IS  NOT  TOO  EOG9PEN8IVE  TO  KEEP  DOWN?" 

Frontispiece.    Page  190. 


DinkelspieFs 
Letters  to  Looey 


By  GEORGE  V.  HOBART 

AUTHOR  OF 

"JOHN  HENRY,"  "DOWN  THE  LINE  WITH  JOHN  HENRY,- 

"IT'S  UP  TO  YOU,"  "BACK  TO  THE  WOODS." 

"OUT  FOR  THE  COIN."  "I  NEED  THE  MONEY." 

"IM  FROM  MISSOURI."  "YOU  CAN  SEARCH  ME,  " 

"GET  NEXT!"  "SKIDDOO."  "BEAT  IT." 

"GO  TO  IT."  "IKEY-S  LETTERS,"  ETC. 


ILLUSTRATIONS  BY 
TOM  BARCLAY 


NEW   YORK 

G.  W.  DILLINGHAM  CO. 

PUBLISHERS 


](a(B 


^ 


Copyright,  1905,  1906,  1907,  1908,  oy 
The  New  York  American 


Copyright,  1908,  by 
G.  W.  DILLINGHAM  COMPANY 

This  book  is  fully  protected  by  copyright  and  all  persons  are 
warned  against  using  any  of  the  lines  or  dialogue  con- 
tained therein  without  the  written  permission 
of  the  author. 


DinkelspieV  s 
letters  to  Looey 


The  kind  permission  of  W.  R.  Heakst  to  use  such  articles 

AS  appeared  orig^inally  in  the  New  York  American 

is  gratefully  acknowledged. 


TO 


Saraba3aiiepeach 


2224711 


DINKELSPIEL  WRITES  TO 
LOOEY  ABOUT 

tMi 

The  Commuter 9 

The  Race  Track 20 

The  Joys  of  Travel 36 

The  Selection  of  a  Wife 55 

The  Way  a  King  Should  Reign 73 

The  Grand  Old  Game  of  Draw 94 

The  Saengerfest  Party 113 

The  Kerosene  Wagon 131 

The  Wedding  Present 145 

The  Microbe  Craze 157 

The  Philosopher 172 


ILLUSTRATIONS 


rtaa 

**C<mld  yon  please  suchchest  somedingrdot  eats 
veil,  but  is  not  too  eggspensive  to  keep 
down?"        ....  Frontispiece    120 

•^o  you  suspicion  him?"  vispered  Mrs.  Pickle- 

sauer  von  Sauerface,  mit  a  shudder    .       .      17 

*^each  der  children  not  to  forget  me  vile  I  was 
away  in  der  ofBce,"  said  Goosedipper, 
eagerly 46 

li  you  vas  ouid  valking,  Looey,  mit  a  young  lady 
und  you  should  sUp  on  a  banana's  cbacket, 
vatch  her  closely 58 

"Your  economy  frills  me,"  set  Andrew;  "spell 
der  vord  flivver  mit  vun  v  und  put  der 
udder  v  back  in  der  safe"       ....      8c 

"Minnie,  haf  you  cracked  dosejQuts  for  dinner  ?"    185 


DINKELSPIEL'S 

LETTERS  TO  LOOEY. 
I. 

THE  COMMUTER. 

Home.    To-day. 

MEIN  LIEBER  LOOEY— Ve 
haf  receifed  your  letter  from 
Pittsburg  und  also  der  box  of 
stogies  vich  der  eggspressman  left  at 
our  door  but  rushed  avay  before  I  could 
light  vun. 

I  dink  I  vill  enchoy  dose  stogies, 
Looey,  but  your  mother  makes  me 
smoke  dem  ouid  on  der  lawn. 

I  tried  to  eggsplain  it  to  your  mother 
dot  a  stogie  loses  its  flavor  ven  smoked 
ouid  on  der  lawn,  und  she  set  she  hoped 
so,  because  if  der  flavor  vas  lost  ouid 
dare  nobody  vould  be  unlucky  enough 
to  find  it  again,  mebbe. 

She  set  ven  I  smoked  dem  in  der 
house  she  alvays  found  der  flavor  hi- 
ding in  der  lace  curtains,  und  she  vants 
to  be  able  to  shake  der  curtains  vunce 
in  a  vile  mitouid  a  wicious  flavor 
chumping  ouid  at  her  und  biting  her  fin- 
gers. 


DINKELSPIEL'S     LETTERS    TO     LOOEY 

Ach,  Looey,  vimmen  vas  so  inconsid- 
erable. 

I  vas  yust  saying  to  your  mother  last 
night  dot  you  haf  been  home  mit  us  so 
seldom  since  ve  moved  ouid  in  der 
country  dot  you  do  not  know  der  choys 
of  ruralization. 

You  haf  nefer  been  a  cummutineer, 
haf  you,  Looey? 

Dit  you  know  vot  is  a  commutineer? 

Veil,  Looey,  a  commutineer  is  a 
chent  dot  lives  in  der  country  but 
spends  all  of  his  time  on  der  railroad 
trains. 

Der  commutineer  is  divided  into  two 
classes:    Going  und  cameing. 

Der  vorst  troubles  vich  der  commuti- 
neer has  to  contention  mit  is  der  friend 
vich  lives  in  der  city  und  makes  chokes 
abouid  der  commutineer. 

I  vas  vunce  vun  of  dese  evils  myself 
yen  I  lived  in  der  city  und  make  smart 
sayings  abouid  Rudolph  Beerhaben, 
vich  lived  at  Insomniahurst-on-der- 
Bronx. 

But  rewenge  is  vun  of  der  fairst  laws 
of  nature,  because  der  fairst  day  I  be- 
came a  commutineer  eighty-sigs  mos- 
quitoes attackded  me  in  single  file  und 

10 


DINKELSPIEL'S     LETTERS     TO     LOOEY 

bit  me  deep  between  der  solo  apoplexus 
und  der  front  porch. 

Vun  of  der  fairst  rules  for  a  commu- 
tineer  after  he  locates  der  railroad  sta- 
tion und  runs  dare  a  cubble  of  times  to 
get  in  training,  is  to  get  a  red  und  vite 
und  blue  hammock. 

A  hammock  vas  a  necesserary  evil  in 
der  country,  because  only  by  dis  means 
can  der  insects  become  ackvainted  mit 
a  new  commutineer. 

Der  man  dot  put  up  our  hammock  dit 
not  notice  my  veight,  und  he  used  a 
very  slim  und  refined  rope.  Pretty  soon 
I  came  along  und  dropped  in  der  ham- 
mock mit  a  splash.  At  der  same  mo- 
ment der  rope  eggsploded  und  I  made 
a  deep  impression  on  der  stone  porch. 

Den  efery  mosquito  in  der  neighbor- 
hood rushed  to  my  assistance  und  tried 
to  lift  me  up  mit  deir  teeth. 

Living  in  der  country  is  divided  into 
two  classes  :    Outdoors  und  indoors. 

Indoors  vas  der  most  peaceful  mit 
der  eggsception  of  der  flies,  vich  takes 
der  place  of  an  alarm  clock  early  in  der 
morning  mit  much  success. 

Dis  vas  der  inspirationment  of  dot 

luffly  olt  proverb  vich  speaks  it : 
11 


DINKELSPIEL'S    LETTERS    TO    LOOEY 

Early  to  bed 

Und  early  to  rise! 
Dare's  a  reason  for  dis, 

Und    der    answer   is    Flies! 

Der  national  emblem  of  der  commu- 
tineer  is  der  lawn  mower. 

Der  idea  of  der  lawn  mower  is  a 
machinery  to  shafe  der  lawn,  und  be- 
cause it  cannot  talk  like  a  barber  it 
makes  a  noise  like  a  rumor  of  var  mit 
Chapan. 

I  decisioned  I  vould  trim  der  van- 
dyke  beard  on  der  lawn  der  fairst  day 
I  becamed  a  commutineer,  und  der  re- 
sult vill  alvays  live  in  history  side  py 
side  mit  der  battle  of  Gettysburg. 

Der  lawn  mower  vas  sleeping  peace- 
fully in  der  bam  ven  I  rushed  in  und 
dragged  it  ouid. 

Mebbe  it  is  dot  I  forgot  to  lather  der 
lawn,  because  it  vas  der  hardest  shafe  I 
efer  vitnessed. 

Der  lawn  mower  began  to  complain 
so  loud  dot  der  neighbors  for  miles 
around  rushed  to  der  rock  pile  und 
armed  demselfs  for  der  fray. 

A  committee  of  citizens  attractioned 
py  der  screaming  of  der  lawn  mower 
came  to  see  if  I  vas  killing  some  mem- 
ber of  der  family  or  only  a  distant  rela- 
tive. 

12 


DINKELSPIEL'S     LETTERS    TO     LOOEY 

Ven  dey  saw  me  struggling  mit  a 
stubborn  lawn  mower  dey  set  my  pun- 
ishment vas  heavy  enough,  so  dey  threw 
avay  der  lynching  rope  und  left  me 
at  der  post. 

Your  mother  came  ouid  on  der  porch 
und  set:  "Dinky,  should  you  choke  it 
from  screaming  mit  some  axle  grease 
on  der  handle-bars,  perhaps,  yes!" 

"Der  idea  is  vorthy  of  a  better 
cause,"  I  responded,  und  den  I  tried  to 
see  vich  part  of  der  lawn  mower  vould 
fit  der  axle  grease. 

Ven  I  lifted  up  der  lawn  mower  to 
eggsamine  its  constitution  und  by-laws 
a  heavy  part  of  der  machinery  fell  ofl 
und  landed  on  my  instep,  und  I  began 
to  eggsclaim  in  sulphur. 

Den  I  tried  to  stand  on  der  udder 
foot,  und  I  lost  my  balance  und  fell 
on  der  lawn  mower's  third  rail. 

I  nefer  vas  so  mortified  in  my  life  as 
ven  dot  lawn  shafer  began  to  bite  its 
initials  all  ofer  my  shinbone. 

Efery  time  I  tried  to  get  up  I  lost  my 
balance,  und  efery  time  I  lost  my  bal- 
ance der  lawn  mower  vould  leap  up  in 
der  air  und  fall  on  some  part  of  my 
antimony. 

Ven  luffing  hands  finally  pulled  us 

13 


DINKELSPIEL'S     LETTERS    TO     LOOEY 

apart  I  vas  yust  on  der  udder  side  of 
consciousness,  vile  der  lawn  mower  hat 
recofered  its  second  vind  und  vas  vag- 
ging  its  tail  mit  eggscitement. 

I  dink  before  der  doctor  recofers  me 
I  vill  lose  my  balance  again. 

Dis  time  it  vill  be  at  der  bank. 

I  haf  made  up  my  mind  dot  our  lawn 
vill  vear  a  King  Lear  viskers  before  I 
efer  tackle  dot  lawn  mower  again,  yet. 

Come  home  soon  to  der  farm.  Looey, 
because  cherries  vas  ripe  at  der  gro- 
ceries. 

Speaking  abouid  ruralalities,  you 
know,  Looey,  your  mother  und  me  ve 
vent  for  a  veek's  ouiding  ofer  in  New 
Chersey  to  a  place  py  der  sad  sea  vaves 
called  Mosquito  Landing. 

Dey  dit. 

Der  place  vas  recommendationed  to 
us  py  a  man  vich  vent  dare  vunce  und 
nefer  vent  back. 

Mosquito  Landing  is  vun  of  der  most 
fashionable  places  dot  efer  let  der  ocean 
beat  its  shores. 

It  vas  almost  like  Newport,  mit  der 
eggsception  dot  der  reporters  doan'd 
make  so  much  money  at  Mosquito 
Landing. 

Ven  ve  vas  dare  eferyding  vas  at  der 

14 


DINKELSPIEL'S     LETTERS    TO     LOOEY 

top  notch  of  gayness  und  frivolosity, 
und  der  midsummer  madness  vich  de- 
mands dot  money  should  be  kept  burn- 
ing vas  in  der  weins  of  dose  present. 

Und  Society! — ach,  Looey! 

Eferybody  dot  is  anybody  vas  dare 
trying  to  be  somebody. 

Ve  saw  Leonora  Beefensauer  at  der 
Casino  efery  efening  talking  mit  Peter 
Cuckoohauser,  her  fiancee. 

You  should  remembrance,  Looey,  dot 
Leonora  is  der  only  daughter  of  Bud 
Beefensauer,  der  manufacturer  of  bone- 
less tripe,  vich  has  become  such  a  fad 
in  society  since  der  britch  vist  craze  has 
made  regular  dinners  a  nuisance. 

Leonora  vill  be  der  olt  man's  heiress 
if  he  ever  stops  playing  pinochle  long 
enough  to  leave  her  someding. 

Her  financee,  Peter  Cuckoohauser,  is 
a  rising  young  mechanic  dot  used  to 
build  thermometers.  For  a  long  time 
he  hat  his  ups  und  downs,  but  on  ac- 
count of  der  fortune  left  him  py  an 
amused  relative  who  died  unconscious- 
ly, Peter  is  now  butterflying  through 
life  in  a  vite  flannel  suit. 

Vile  ve  vas  dare,   Looey,   Mr.  und 
Mrs.    Hans    Shine-von-Shine   vare   di- 
vorced at  der  home  of  der  bride's  par- 
is 


DINKELSPIEL'S     LETTERS    TO     LOOEY 

ents.  Der  ceremony  vas  very  simple 
but  eggspensive  to  der  late  husband. 
Considerable  alimony  changed  hands. 

Yust  before  ve  left  der  place  last 
T'irstay  afternoon  at  two-t'irty  a  loud 
shriek  rushed  ouid  of  der  "Bunga- 
looza  Willa,"  followed  py  its  author, 
Mrs.  Picklesauer  von  Sauerface. 

Both  der  shriek  und  its  author  came 
ouid  as  far  as  der  gate  und  attractioned 
der  ears  of  a  policeman. 

"My  diamonts  haf  been  stolen,"  egg- 
claimed  Mrs.  Picklesauer  von  Sauer- 
face eggscitefully. 

"For  publication  purposes  or  for 
pawning?"  inkvired  der  policeman. 

"Must  I  tell  you  mitouid  being  intro- 
ductioned?"  set  Mrs.  Picklesauer  von 
Sauerface  anxiously. 

"Not  unless  you  doan'd  care  to  meet 
me,"  echeckulated  der  policeman. 

"Mercy!"  set  Mrs.  Picklesauer  von 
Sauerface,  "haf  I  got  to  cross  der  so- 
cial kasm  to  get  dem  presents  back  ?" 

"Vot  kinds  of  diamonts  vas  miss- 
ing?" inkvired  der  policeman.  "Vas 
dey  sparklers  or  shines  ?" 

"Vot  is  der  difference,  please  ?"  asked 
Mrs.  Picklesauer  von  Sauerface 
haughtily. 

16 


"do     TOL"     suspicion     him?"'     VISPEREU     MRS.     PICKLESACEB 
VON   6AUERFACE.    MIT   A    SHCDDER. 

Page  17. 


DINKELSPIEL'S     LETTERS    TO     LOOEY 

"Der  difference  vas  abouid  ninety- 
five  dollars  a  carrot,"  vispered  der  po- 
liceman. 

"Der  best  dot  money  can  buy  vas 
none  too  goot  for  me,"  set  Mrs.  Pickle- 
sauer  von  Sauerface,  mit  proud  scorn. 

"So  I  notice  py  your  hair  und  com- 
plexion," responded  der  policeman  po- 
litefully. 

"Vill  you  find  der  missing  diamonts, 
or  must  I  shriek  again  ?"  inkvired  Mrs. 
Picklesauer  von  Sauerface. 

"Is  your  photographer  present?"  de- 
manded der  policeman, 

"Do  you  suspicion  him?"  vispered 
Mrs.  Picklesauer  von  Sauerface,  mit 
a  shudder. 

"Der  photographer  chenerally  takes 
dem,"  answered  der  policeman.  "Ud- 
dervise  how  could  der  pictures  get  in 
der  newspapers?" 

"Heafen  forgif  me  for  dis  ofersight, 
but  my  photographer  neglectioned  to 
took  der  chewels  before  I  lose  dem," 
set  Mrs.  Picklesauer  von  Sauerface, 
mit  bitter  tears  in  der  lamps. 

Der  policeman  turned  avay  to  con- 
ceal his  emotion  und  der  two-fer  seegar. 

"Vot,  ach,  vot  is  to  be  dit?"  railed 
der  helpless  voman. 

17 


DINKELSPIEL'S    LETTERS    TO     LOOEY 

"Nuddings,"  responded  der  police- 
man, after  a  miserable  pause.  "Mitouid 
pictures  of  der  chewels  to  put  in  der 
newspapers  der  sensation  vill  be  vealc 
und-vobble  at  der  knees." 

Mrs.  Picklesauer  von  Sauerface 
leaned  against  der  fence  und  groaned 
invardly. 

"It  vas  too  bad,"  muttered  der  police- 
man, as  he  bit  into  der  two-fer  seegar 
und  valked  silentlessly  avay. 

Mrs.  Picklesauer  von  Sauerface  sat 
down  in  her  most  eggspensive  flower 
bed  und  vept  bitterfully. 

Yust  den  der  policeman  came  run- 
ning backvards. 

"Perhaps  you  remember  der  chewels 
veil  enough  to  get  a  photograph  from 
memory?"  he  suchchested. 

A  smile  chased  itself  ofer  der  face  of 
Mrs.  Picklesauer  von  Sauerface,  und 
she  remofed  herself  from  der  crushed 
cheraniums. 

"I  remember  dem  perfectly,"  she  vis- 
pered,  "because  ven  my  husband  got 
der  bill  for  dem  he  hat  four  different 
styles  of  fits  in  four  minutes.  T'ree  of 
der  fits  vas  entirely  new  und  orichinal 
mit  him,  so  I  remember  der  chewels 
perfectly." 

18 


DINKELSPIEL'S     LETTERS    TO     LOOEY 

"Goot!"  set  der  policeman.  "I  vill 
haf  eighteen  detectifs  und  219  report- 
ers- up  here  in  ten  minutes.  Clam  your- 
self, now,  clam  yourself,  because  vot 
is  lost  vill  soon  be  found  in  der  news- 
papers." 

Der  policeman  rushed  avay  to  der 
tellyfone,  und  mit  a  glad  cry  of  t'anks- 
gifing  Mrs.  Picklesauer  von  Sauerface 
rushed  in  und  began  to  beat  Mozart 
ouid  of  der  open-face  piano. 

Such,  Looey,  is  only  vun  of  der  sim- 
ple annals  of  der  rich. 

"Vy  dit  dis  voman  do  dis?"  your 
mother  inkwissytiffed  to  me  dot  efe- 
ning. 

"Because  vun  diamont  in  der  news- 
papers vas  vorth  a  whole  tarara  in  der 
safety  deposits,"  I  vispered. 

"Leave  us  go  home,"  set  your 
mother. 

Und  ve  left. 


19 


11. 

THE  RACE  TRACK. 

Home.    Yet. 

MEIN  LIEBER  LOOEY— Ve 
haf  receifed  your  letter  from 
Princeton,  Kentucky,  vare 
McKee  Barclayhauser  und  der  race 
horses  come  from,  und  ve  vas  glat  to 
hear  it  dot  pitzness  is  goot  mit  you, 
drummerizing  on  der  road  as  a  com- 
mercial trafeller. 

Speaking  abouid  dose  race  horses. 
Looey,  dit  you  know  it,  I  haf  been  to 
der  race  track,  alretty,  for  der  second 
time,  yet? 

I  should  tolt  you  abouid  it  der  day 
dot  I  vent  py  der  race  track,  Looey. 

It  vas  vun  day  a  cubble  of  veeks 
lately,  und  ven  I  yoke  up  early  in  der 
morning  your  mother  set  by  me : 

"Fodder,  dis  vill  be  a  fine  day,  mit 
such  a  hotness  in  der  t'ermometer,  und 
I  vish  to  vent  py  der  Belmont  Park 
races  und  show  my  new  dimity  gown 
mit  der  chiffon  oferskirt  und  der  ap- 
plique fritters  on  der  straight  front  cor- 
sage, yesl" 

20 


DINKELSPIEL'S    LETTERS    TO     LOOEY 

"Vait,  voman!"  I  set.  "Der  races 
track  ain't  no  more  yet  at  Belmont 
Park  now!" 

"Veil,  vare  is  it?"  your  mother  men- 
tioned. 

"It  is  now  at  Sheepskin  Bay,"  I  vis- 
pered. 

"Veil,"  set  your  mother,  "I  vould 
preference  Sheepskin  Bay,  because  der 
color  scheme  is  better  for  my  new 
dress,"  she  responsed,  "und  I  vill  go 
to  Sheepskin  Bay  because  I  belief  in  der 
proverb  vich  says  vot  is  done  cannot 
be  undone,  eggspecially  if  it  is  a  hard- 
boiled  egg." 

Chee-viz !  who  is  der  man  dot  can  re- 
sistance der  tender  pleadings  of  a  luff- 
ing vife  ven  she  has  a  new  dress  vich 
should  be  der  observed  of  all  der  ob- 
servationists  ? 

So  ve  vent.  Looey  I 

Chimineddy!  such  a  bunch  of  peo- 
ples! As  far  as  der  eye  could  stretch 
ve  could  see  human  beings  rushing  bid- 
der und  tidder  und  den  rushing  back 
again ! 

Eferyvare  I  could  see  brafe  mens 
mit  deir  pocketbooks  in  vun  hand  und 
a  sure  thing  on  der  fairst  race  in  der 
udder,  veighing  dem  in  der  balance. 

21 


DINKELSPIEL'S    LETTERS    TO    LOOEY 

In  der  far  corners  I  could  see  fearless 
souls  mit  a  straight  tip  between  deir 
teeth,  biting  it  to  see  vas  it  der  real 
goods. 

Peoples  I  nefer  met  before  rushed  up 
to  me,  dug  deir  elbows  into  my  cafe  de- 
partment, und  vas  on  deir  vay  before  I 
could  return  der  complimentaries  of  der 
season. 

In  der  fairst  ten  minutes  219 
strangers  stood  on  my  feet,  und  only 
four  of  dem  thanked  me  for  der  prifi- 
Jege. 

By  der  time  ve  sqveezed  into  our 
seats  in  der  grand  stand  your  mother 
hat  der  racing  fever  in  its  vorst  stages, 
und  her  temperature  rushed  up  to  104 
in  der  shade. 

Und  der  vay  she  mixed  up  der  names 
of  dose  horses,  ach,  Looey,  it  vas  a  piti- 
less shame! 

She  picked  ouid  two  horses  to  vin 
der  fairst  race,  und  den  she  arranged 
for  a  horse  to  vin  der  second  race  vich 
hasn't  seen  der  hospital  shores  of 
America  for  ofer  two  years  because 
it  is  visiting  friends  in  Dick  Croker's 
stable  in  Ireland,  yet. 

Vare  your  mother  found  der  names 

of  der  horses  she  vished  to  bet  mx 
22 


DINKELSPIEL'8    LETTERS    TO     LOOEY 

money  on  is  a  qvestion  vich  eggsceeds 
all  human  answers. 

"Fodder,"  she  set,  "I  haf  been  listen- 
ing my  ears  to  der  public  opinions  of 
dose  present,  und  I  dink  in  der  fairst 
race  you  should  bet  four  dollars  across 
der  board  between  Cold  Tea  to  vin  und 
Vaterboy  for  der  place,  mit  Highball 
on  der  side,  because  I  nefer  use  liquor 
in  any  form  ven  I  can  get  a  temperance 
drink.  Den  you  should  bet  t'ree  dol- 
lars more,  because  ven  you  fell  down 
der  shoot-der-shoots  at  Luna  Park  und 
sprained  your  elbow,  dot  vas  a  goot 
omen  dot  Toboggan  vill  vin  der  race, 
yes!" 

Mit  der  patience  of  a  saint  I  con- 
cealed der  anger  vich  vas  hiding  behind 
my  vitals. 

"Den,  Dinky,"  your  mother  vent  on, 
mit  persuasive  elunquence,  "you  should 
bet  two  dollars  for  a  place  on  Congo 
Belle,  because  der  coon  song  is  my  fa- 
vorite music,  vich  is  a  goot  omen.  Den 
I  think  four  dollars  more  for  a  show 
down  on  Percy,  because  my  sister's  hus- 
band has  a  cousin  py  der  name  of  Percy 
Diffenbauer,  vich  is  a  floor-valker  in  a 
delicatessen  store,  und  dot  is  a  goot 
omen,  yes !" 


DINKELSPIEL'S    LETTERS    TO    LOOEY 

But  let  us  draw  a  wale  ofer  dis  bitter 
scene  of  connubial  infelicitiousness. 

Ven  der  races  got  started  I  vas  in  der 
grand  stand,  preparationed  to  make 
vun  of  der  most  complete  enchoyments 
of  my  life,  but  yust  den  a  fat  man  arose 
from  der  seat  in  front  of  me,  und  I  lost 
consciousness  of  vot  vas  venting  on 
around  me. 

He  vas  a  eggstremely  large  man,  mit 
a  double  chin  und  a  double  woice  und  a 
souse  built  for  two  also. 

I  could  hear  der  shouts  of  der  multi- 
tude as  der  horses  left  der  post,  but  all 
I  could  see  vas  der  quivering  back- 
ground of  an  eight-dollar  suit  of 
clothes. 

I  grabbed  him  py  der  coat  tails  und 
tried  to  eggstract  his  attention,  but  he 
kept  yelling :  "Go  on,  Cold  Tea !  Stick 
to  him !  On  your  way,  you  sorrel !  It's 
a  skinch  for  you,  dot  black  vun,  dare! 
Here's  looking  at  you.  Highball !  Raus 
mit  him,  you  sorrel !    Go  on !    Go  on !" 

He  vas  der  most  impartialist  man  I 
efer  sat  behind. 

Your  mother  vas  leaning  her  head 
avay  ofer  on  der  shoulder  of  an  elderly 
chent  dot  dit  not  seem  to  mind  it,  but 
as  long  as  she  vas  getting  a  bird's-eye 

24 


DINKELSPIEL'8    LETTERS    TO     LOOEY 

view  of  der  race  I  hat  not  der  heart  to 
be  chealous. 

After  a  vile  my  obstructor  sat  down, 
und  I  could  see  a  leaping,  rushing  river 
of  horseflesh  tearing  around  der  far 
comer  of  der  track;  I  could  see  t'ou- 
sands  upon  t'ousands  of  eggscited  faces 
trying  to  keep  deir  hearts  ouid  of  deir 
t'roats  und  brafely  resisting  der  tempta- 
tion to  swallow  deir  palates,  und  alvays 
der  horses  chumping  onvard. 

I  could  hear  der  silent  prayers  of  dem 
dot  vished  for  something  to  happen  vich 
did  not  seem  possible,  und  alvays  der 
horses  rumbling  onvard. 

I  could  feel  der  lazy  afternoon  stop 
strolling  on  its  vay  tovards  der  night 
und  stand  still  to  vatch  dem  beautiful 
animals  as  dey  charged  down  into  der 
stretch,  but  yust  den  der  fat  man  arose 
to  his  fat  feet  und  pud  ouid  der  light 
in  my  pipe. 

From  der  vay  he  yelled,  und  from 
der  vay  der  pattern  of  his  eight-dollar 
suit  kept  shaking  like  a  chelly-fish,  I 
chudged  it  vas  a  eggsciting  finish. 

Your  mother  told  me  aftervards  dot 
she  vould  haf  enchoyed  der  race  better 
if  der  elderly  chent  she  vas  resting  her 


2S 


DINKELSPIEL'S     LETTERS    TO     LOOEY 

head  on  dit  not  haf  such  emotional 
shoulders. 

Den  I  vent  down  in  der  padlock  und 
met  Oscar  Baumgarten. 

It  is,  mebbe,  Looey,  dot  you  doan'd 
know  Oscar  Baumgarten. 

If  you  doan'd  den  you  should  bless 
your  lucky  stars,  pecause  py  not  having 
to  use  his  ackvaintance  you  haf  a  run- 
ning start  on  eferybody  dot  does. 

Baumgarten  is  der  fairst  lieutenant 
in  a  butcher  shop  up-town,  und  he  con- 
siders himself  America's  leading  citizen. 

His  idea  of  his  own  importance  is 
loud  und  painful  to  dose  vich  cannot 
avoid  listening. 

If  Baumgarten  hat  been  born  a  few 
years  earlier,  he  would  haf  beat  Christo- 
fer  Columbus  to  his  great  discofery. 

If  dare  vas  anyding  in  dis  idea  of  re- 
incarnation, den  Baumgarten  must  be  a 
Kink  Solomon  und  at  least  four  of  der 
prophets. 

Veil,  anyvay,  ven  I  met  Baumgarten 
in  der  padlock  he  set ;  "Should  you  bet 
someding  on  dis  next  race,  mebbe !" 

As  a  rule  I  am  not  much  for  betting 
der  races,  because  der  idea  of  helping 
to  pay  a  bookmaker's  board  und  lodg- 


DINKELSPIEL'S     LETTERS    TO     LOOEY 

ing  nefer  appealed  to  me  in  der  vay  it 
does  to  some  peoples. 

I  dink  der  bookmaker  is  vun  of  our 
infant  industries,  vich  should  be  self- 
supporting-  py  dis  time. 

Baumgarten  knows  efery  horse  on 
der  calendar. 

Baumgarten  can  tell  you  der  pedigree 
of  efery  skate  dot  efer  side-stepped  der 
plough. 

To  Baumgarten  der  dope  sheet  has 
more  plot  and  t'rilling  climaxums  den 
vun  of  T'eodore  Kremer's  melon- 
dramas. 

Baumgarten  is  vot  I  vould  call  a 
plunger — mit  der  lid  on. 

He  nefer  bets  more  dtn  two  dollars 
on  a  sure  thing,  und  efen  den  he  keeps 
vishing  he  hat  it  back. 

Vun  day  he  bet  four  dollars  on  a  sure 
thing,  und  after  der  race  vas  ofer  he 
valked  up  mit  a  loud  sneer  und  called 
Pittsburg  Phil  a  piker. 

Ven  ve  got  ofer  by  der  betting  ring 
my  friend  set  py  me :  "Now,  Dink, 
follow  in  my  footsteps  mit  der  tips,  und 
ven  der  sun  is  declining  in  der  Vestern 
heffens  you  vill  be  rich  beyond  der 
dreams  of  Avonhurst!" 


27 


DINKELSPIEL'S     LETTERS    TO     LOOEY 

Dare  vast  a  colt,  pitiless  gleam  in 
Baumgarten's  eye  ven  he  glanced  ofer 
der  menu  card. 

Der  second  race  vas  a  free-for-all, 
ofer  der  olt  course,  best  two  ouid  of 
three,  mit  der  odds  at  2  to  4  on,  6  to  8 
across  der  board,  und  7  to  9  for  a 
look-in. 

Baumgarten  studied  der  bill  of  fare, 
und  den  he  picked  ouid  someding  mit 
four  legs  und  a  low  forehead  vich 
listened  to  der  name  of  "Perhaps." 

"Dis  'Perhaps'  is  a  skinch,"  set 
Baumgarten.  "He  dit  a  mile  vunce  in 
2:97  flat.  Follow  me  into  der  bank, 
Dinky.*' 

Der  bookmaker  listened  painfully, 
und  his  breath  came  in  short  trousers. 

"Vot  is  der  odds  on  'Perhaps,* 
please?"  inkvired  Baumgarten^ 

"Fifty  to  vun,  und  no  qvestions 
asked,"  set  der  bookmaker. 

Baumgarten  borrowed  vun  of  my 
best  cigars  to  conceal  his  emotion. 

"Back  to  der  repair  shop,"  vispered 
der  bookmaker;  "you  vas  on  a  cold 
plate." 

"Vill  you  hoist  der  price,  yes?"  in- 
kvired Baumgarten.  - 


DINKELSPIEL'S     LETTERS    TO     LOOEY 

"Write  your  own  ticket  und  den  back 
to  sleep  for  yours,"  set  der  bookmaker. 

"Goot!"  set  Baumgarten;  "two  dol- 
lars on  'Perhaps'  to  show." 

"Show  me  der  two  dollars,"  set  der 
bookmaker. 

Baumgarten  borrowed  two  dollars 
from  me  und  showed  it  to  him. 

Der  bookmaker  took  der  money  mit 
a  sad,  sveet  smile,  und  den  passed  ouid 
of  our  lives. 

Ten  minutes  aftervards  der  horses 
vas  off  in  small  bunches. 

"Perhaps"  at  der  qvarter!  "Per- 
haps" at  der  half!  Der  eggscitement 
vas  so  loose  you  could  break  it  off. 

But  yust  ven  der  horses  came  into 
der  stretch  "Perhaps"  forgot  something 
und  vent  back  after  it. 

Later  on  "Perhaps"  hurried  back  to 
vin  der  race,  but  in  der  meantime  an- 
nuder  horse  hat  removed  it. 

Baumgarten  eggsplained  it  to  me  dot 
"Perhaps"  vas  a  goot  horse,  but  he  hat 
a  bad  memory,  und  nefer  could  remem- 
ber vich  end  of  der  track  vas  der  place 
to  finish  at. 

Den  Baumgarten  began  to  dope  dem 
ouid  for  der  next  race,  und  I  ran  for 
your  mother,  und  between  us  ve  nefer 

29 


DINKELSPIEL'S    LETTERS    TO    LOOEY 

Stopped  running  till  ve  got  der  cars  for 
home. 

I  notice  it  in  your  letter,  Looey,  vare 
you  vent  mit  Charlie  Abbot  und  Chorge 
Lederer  und  udder  friends  to  vitness  a 
private  prize-fight  in  a  private  ring  in  a 
private  club  for  a  private  purse. 

Such  vas  a  goot  idea,  Looey,  because 
vunce  in  a  vile  a  chenteel  prize-fight 
vill  loosen  up  your  eyebrows  und  make 
more  pliable  der  apex  of  your  t'roat 
vare  you  yell,  "Soak  him,  der  lobster !" 

For  me,  Looey,  der  day  of  der  prize- 
fights vas  ofer  because  no  longer 
through  my  weins  rushes  der  eggscited 
blood  of  yout',  vich  is  der  inspiration 
dot  makes  a  spectator  rise  up  on  his 
hind  legs  und  scream  mit  choy  ven  an 
upper-cut  smashes  into  der  front  eleva- 
tion of  der  man  you  dittent  bet  on. 

To  be  a  frankness  mit  you,  Looey, 
prize-fighting  nefer  vas  vun  of  my 
household  pets. 

Somehow  or  udder,  Looey,  I  could 
nefer  bubble  ofer  mit  enthusinism  at 
der  idea  of  two  huskies,  mit  self-fold- 
ing jaws  und  muckles  on  deir  arms 
like  feetballs,  pounding  each  udder  into 
calfsfoot  chelly  for  der  champeenship 
of  a  fifty-dollar  bill. 

30 


DINKELSPIEL'S     LETTERS    TO     LOOEY 

Because,  Looey,  der  trail  of  der  ser- 
pentine vas  ofer  it  all,  und  efery  short- 
arm  chab  is  nuddings  but  a  jimmy  to 
break  into  der  bank  und  get  der  gate 
receipts. 

Dis  gifs  me  reminiscences. 

At  der  time  ven  Bop  Fitzchimmons 
und  Chim  Cheffries  punched  ouid  dot 
big  fight  I  wrote  your  Uncle  Oscar  der 
particulars,  yet. 

Mebbe,  Looey,  you  vould  vish  to  hear 
dem,  because  vot  I  wrote  den  means 
itself  to-day,  und  der  same  meaning  vill 
mean  itself  mit  efery  time  der  gong 
sounds  in  der  future. 

Listen,  please! 

Bop  Fitchimmons  und  Chim  Chef- 
fries  vunce  fought  a  battle  for  der 
champeenship  of  a  bank  account. 

Both  von. 

Bop  entered  der  safety  deposit  waults 
at  abouid  sigs  o'clock  und  retchistered 
his  name  mit  der  paying  teller. 

Chim  made  his  fairst  appearance 
abouid  a  minute  later,  und  passed  der 
doorkeeper  mitouid  a  struggle. 

At  abouid  sigs-fifteen  de  referee 
pushed  der  button  und  der  time-locks 
opened  der  doors  to  vealth,  vile  der 
crowd  ouidside  cheered  der  Vizards  of 

31 


DINKELSPIEL'S     LETTERS    TO     LOOEY 

Easy  Street,  as  dey  vas  affectedly  called 
by  deir  friends. 

It  vas  soon  noticed  py  der  wast 
crowd  of  spectators  in  der  bank  dot  der 
cheneral  plan  und  scope  of  Bop  Fit- 
chimmons'  phizeek  vas  long  und  nerv- 
ous, like  a  match. 

Chim  ChefTries  hat  more  der  abrupt 
appearance  of  Chon  W.  Gates. 

Der  paying  teller  now  stepped  into 
his  cage,  und  der  two  Vizards  of  Easy 
Street  vent  after  all  dot  vas  cameing 
to  dem. 

"Dis  for  a  few  acres  of  unimproved 
ground  in  Long  Island!"  set  Bop, 
smashing  Chames  affectionately  near 
der  vishbone. 

"Dis  for  some  more  three  per  cent. 
Guffemment  bonds!"  set  Chames,  mit 
his  right  fist  on  Bop's  boogie. 

"Now,  den,  for  a  block  of  Missouri 
Pacific  stock !"  set  Bop,  trying  to  knock 
der  block  off  Chames. 

Chames  fiddled,  undecided  vedder  to 
get  enough  money  to  build  a  home  on 
Riverside  Drive  or  to  took  a  European 
trip. 

Den,  suddenly,  Chames  decisioned  he 
vould  buy  a  interest  in  der  Beef  Com- 


32 


DINKELSPIEL'S     LETTERS    TO     LOOEY 

bine,  so  he  soaked  Bop  in  der  prime 
ribs. 

Bop  felt  a  uncontrollable  desire  surg- 
ing in  his  heart  for  a  new  Pa  jama  hat, 
so  he  aimed  a  $60  blow  at  Chim's  head, 
hoping  to  put  it  in  der  hands  of  a  re- 
ceiver. 

Chames  cleverly  avoided  payment, 
und  showed  his  contempt  for  der  Food 
Trust  by  hitting  Bop  in  der  stomach. 

Der  paying  teller  vas  now  almost 
eggshausted  mit  hard  work,  so  der  two 
Vizards  of  Easy  Street  vent  to  deir  cor- 
ners und,  looking  eagerly  between  der 
ropes,  counted  up  der  house. 

During  der  next  sigs  meetings  of 
dese  Kings  of  Finance  it  vas  come  easy, 
go  easy,  und  money  changed  hands  like 
umbrellas  on  a  vet  day. 

Bop  landed  two  short-arm  chabs  in 
der  suburban  part  of  Chim's  vaist-line, 
vich  netted  him  a  Queen  Anne  cottage 
in  der  country,  und  Chim  mit  a  upper- 
cut  bought  himself  a  handsome  steam 
yacht. 

Bop  made  a  corkscrew  tvist  in  his 

blacksmith  shop,  und  asked  Chames  to 

allow  him  a  few  t'ousand  on  it,  but 

Chames  laughingly  replied  mit  a  smash 

on  der  chaw. 

33 


DINKELSPIEL'S    LETTERS    TO    LOOEY 

In  der  eighth  session  der  paying  teller 
hat  eggshausted  all  der  wisible  subbly 
of  gold,  und  der  Vizards  of  Easy  Street 
hat  now  enough  vealth  to  retire  on. 

Dey  den  started  to  draw  lots  to  see 
vich  vun  should  retire  fairst,  und  vile 
doing  so  Chames  soaked  Bop  on  der 
chaw  mit  a  fist  full  of  tventy  dollar  gold 
pieces,  und  Bop  retired — somevat  dis- 
gusted, but  rich. 

Before  retiring  Bop  left  a  call  for 
sefen-thirty  next  morning  to  go  mit  a 
eggspress  vagon  to  der  bank  und  get 
his  rake-off. 

Chames  took  his  share  home  mit  him 
in  a  veelbarrow. 

Dus  ended  vun  of  der  most  eggs- 
citing  financial  struggles  in  der  history 
of  Easy  Street. 

Regards  to  Clay  Pierpont  Morgan; 
Charlie  Schwab  please  write. 

Dare  you  haf  it,  Looey,  und  you  vill 
find  dot  money  vas  der  power  behind 
every  professional  punch  in  der  chaw. 

Money  vas  der  vun  big  idea  behind 
efery  prize-fight  since  der  time  dot 
heavy-veight  Cain  fought  his  velter- 
veight  brother  in  der  Madison  Square 
Garden  of  Eden  down  to  der  present 


84 


DtNKELSPIEL'S    LETTERS    TO    LOOEY 

cheneration,  und  vill  be  till  "Time"  vas 
called  no  more. 

Prize-fighting  ain't  run  for  Art, 
Looey,  or  Physical  Endurance,  or  Der 
Survival  of  der  Flippest — it  is  for  plain, 
olt-fashioned  Mazuma. 


III. 

THE  JOYS  OF  TRAVEL. 

Home.     Lately. 

MEIN  LIEBER  LOOEY— Ve 
haf  receifed  your  letter  from 
Vaterbury,  Mass.,  und  ve  vas 
glat  to  hear  it  dot  your  healt'  vas  en- 
choying  a  stationary  period  of  con- 
walescence. 

Ve  vas  all  veil  at  home  mit  der  eggs- 
ception  dot  I  vas  still  planting  seeds 
all  day  in  der  garten  und  suffering  all 
night  mit  growing  pains. 

Your  mother  says  it  vill  be  a  fine 
garten  dis  Fall,  but  a  lot  of  strange 
birds  und  all  of  our  neighbors'  chickens 
seem  to  dink  it  is  a  pretty  goot  garten 
right  now. 

I  vent  into  town  yesterday  to  buy 
some  punkin  und  sqvash  seeds,  und  I 
hat  to  go  by  der  tunnel  vich  runs  from 
Forty-second  Street  up  as  far  as  no  in 
der  shade. 

Undoubtingly  you  haf  been  reading 
in  der  newspapers,  Looey,  dot  der  New 
York   Sentinel  railroad  und  der  New 

36 


DINKELSPIEL'S     LETTERS    TO     LOOEY 

Heffen  railroad  hat  determinationed 
long  since  to  introduction  electricsissity 
und  do  avay  mit  der  steam  und  smoke 
und  sulphur  in  der  tunnel,  but  such  is  a 
typographical  error. 

Der  steam  und  smoke  und  sulphur 
und  darkness  und  stage  fright  vas  still 
dare. 

Efery  time  I  use  dot  tunnel,  Looey, 
der  eggsperience  leaves  someding  vich 
looks  like  der  mark  of  Cain  across  my 
forehead. 

Dit  I  efer  relation  to  you,  Looey, 
abouid  der  fairst  time  I  vent  through 
dot  tunnel? 

Dot  day  vill  alvays  remain  vun  of  my 
hottest  memories. 

I  valked  into  der  car,  full  mit  der 
choy  of  living,  und  bimeby,  after  valk- 
ing  up  und  down  und  asking  many 
painful  qvestions,  I  finishingly  found  a 
seat  next  to  an  olt  lady  dot  vas  suffering 
mit  nervous  hesitation. 

Pretty  soon  der  train  broke  loose 
from  der  station  und  simontaneously 
der  olt  lady  began  to  haf  an  attack  of 
hesitation  for  my  benefit,  because  ve  hat 
nefer  met  before. 

"Ach,  kind  sir,"  she  set,  "do  you  dink 
der  tunnel  is  safe,  yet?" 

37 


DINKELSPIEL'8    LETTERS    TO    LOOEY 

"Veil,  meddum,"  I  set,  "it  has  der 
reputation  of  being  someding  like  a 
safe,  eggscept  dot  it  is  open  at  both 
ends,"  but  before  der  olt  lady  could  un- 
couple my  meaning  der  train  hat  rum- 
bled into  der  darkness,  und  she  cofered 
her  face  mit  her  hands  und  refused  to 
be  comfortable. 

As  for  me.  Looey,  somevare  between 
Forty-eighth  Street  und  der  daylight  I 
lose  ten  pounds  of  dis  too  solid  flesh. 

Fairst  I  choked  up  a  leedle  und  den  I 
coughed  und  den  I  stirred  uneasilessly 
und  den  I  locked  ouid  der  vindow  und 
prayed  for  der  sunlight  und  den  I 
looked  at  my  newspaper,  but  I  couldn't 
read  it  because  der  railroad  company 
hat  found  der  gas  bill  pretty  heavy  last 
month,  und  dey  vas  condensing  eggs- 
penses. 

I  looked  up  at  der  transfer  vindows 
near  der  roof  of  der  car,  und  I  could 
see  leedle  curls  of  vite  smoke  cameing 
in  to  be  company  for  us,  und  den  I 
tried  to  vissle  to  keep  my  courage  from 
getting  rusty  until  der  olt  lady  mit  der 
nervous  hesitation  pulled  my  sleeve  und 
set  it  vas  bad  luck  to  vissle  vile  going 
through  a  tunnel  because  it  used  up  too 
much  air,  so  I  became  unvissleable. 

38 


DINKELSPIEL'8     LETTERS    TO     LOOEY 

Den  der  fooms  from  der  smoke  be- 
gan to  rush  all  ofer  der  car,  daring  der 
peoples  to  cough,  und  I  got  red  in  der 
face,  und  den  I  changed  my  mind  und 
got  vite  in  der  face. 

Den  I  lost  my  breath,  und  ven  I  got 
it  back  again  I  found  it  vasn't  mine. 

Den  I  began  to  fan  myself  mit  my 
hat,  but  no  sooner  dit  I  start  someding 
den  der  olt  lady  mit  der  nervous  hesita- 
tion set  I  was  a  cruel  man  because  efery 
time  I  fanned  mit  der  hat  I  gave  her 
more  den  her  true  und  chust  share  of 
der  tunnel  gas,  in  such  cases  made  und 
provided. 

Den  I  began  to  choke  up  und  den  I 
coughed,  und  den  I  could  feel  someding 
gargling  in  my  t'roat,  und  den  my  head 
began  to  ache  itself,  und  den  I  began  to 
feel  goose  fedders  sprouting  all  ofer  my 
antimony,  but  ouidside  all  vas  black  as 
ink,  und  only  from  der  noise  could  I 
tell  dot  der  road  vas  still  paying  divi- 
dends. 

Der  air  began  to  get  close  und  thick 

like  der  head  of  a  trust  magnate,  und  I 

vas  now  breathing  like  my  vife  crochets 

an  open-face  stocking — vun,  two,  t'ree, 

drop  vun ;  vun,  two,  t'ree,  drop  vun. 

Den  my  blood  began  to  curdle  und 
as 


DINKELSPIEL'S    LETTERS    TO     LOOEY 

der  cold  chills  ran  up  my  back  und 
liked  it  so  veil  dey  ran  down  again. 
My  respiration  vas  8  to  i,  my  inspira- 
tion vas  9  to  6  for  der  place,  und  my 
perspiration  vas  like  a  cloudburst. 

I  had  made  up  my  vill  mit  a  few  men- 
tal und  Inchun  reservations,  und  vas 
choking  up  for  der  last  time,  ven  mit 
vun  mighty  chump  forvard  der  train 
shook  itself  free  from  der  tunnel  und 
vunce  more  ve  vas  in  der  sunshine. 

I  looked  at  der  olt  lady  mit  der  nerv- 
ous hesitation  vile  she  brushed  der  cin- 
ders off  her  specs  so  she  could  look  at 
me. 

"Could  it  be  dot  such  dings  as  dis 
eggsist  in  der  land  of  der  brave  und  der 
home  of  der  free  lunch!"  she  eggs- 
claimed. 

"It  ain'd  could  it,  it  is  it !"  I  set. 

Den  ve  both  began  to  breathe  der 
free  air  of  Vestchester  County  und  col- 
lapsed into  silence. 

I  took  a  notice  to  vot  you  say  in  der 
letter  abouid  trafeling  so  much  on  der 
cars,  und  you  haf  my  agreement  mit 
your  ideas  on  dis  supcheckt  because 
lately  I  haf  noticed  dot  vot  a  local  train 
service  can  do  to  a  commutineer  vas  too 
pitiful  for  utterance. 

40 


DINKELSPIEL'S    LETTERS    TO     LOOEY 

Let  me  speak  abouid  it  to  you,  Looey. 

Took  for  a  instance  last  T'irsday 
afternoon  ven  I  vent  py  der  Grand 
Central  depot  to  took  der  2:15  train  on 
der  New  Heffen  road  ouid  to  Pelham. 

I  arrived  py  der  cars  in  der  station 
at  abouid  2:05,  und  den  began  der 
veary  pilgrimage  for  a  seat,  for  on  all 
dese  trains.  Looey,  space  vas  at  a  pre- 
mium und  der  premium  doan'd  know 
vare  it  is  at. 

If  you  happen  to  be  a  stout  party 
und  get  dare  fairst  you  get  a  whole  seat 
to  yourself,  so  you  see  it,  Looey,  it  is 
as  it  alvays  vas,  der  survival  of  der 
fattest. 

But  on  dis  occasion  I  dittent  get  dare 
fairst,  so  I  hat  to  go  down  der  line 
from  vun  end  of  der  train  to  der  udder, 
searching  mit  der  eye  of  a  eagle  for 
enough  red  plush  on  vich  to  rest  my 
veary  bones. 

Ven  mitouid  success  I  reached  der 
upper  end  of  der  train  I  set  to  der 
brakeman:  "Vill  you  please  open  up 
annuder  car  so  a  lot  of  us  vill  not  be 
seatless  ouid  to  Pelham?" 

"Vy  should  ve?"  set  der  brakeman, 
"ven  dare  is  still  a  lot  of  seats  in  dot 
car?" 

41 


DINKELSPIEL'S     LETTERS    TO     LOOEY 

"But  no  seats  mitouid  an  occupation," 
I  vispered  back  at  him. 

"In  dot  car  vas  thirty-two  seats  mit- 
ouid an  occupation,"  der  brakeman  re- 
sponded, und  valked  avay. 

I  hated  to  liar  him  because  he  vas  an 
olt,  olt  man,  so  I  vent  back  in  der  car 
to  see  could  it  be  dot  vun  of  my  eyes 
vas  a  deceiver. 

Near  der  door  a  stout  voman  und  a 
bird  cage  used  up  two  seats,  so  I  paused 
und  looked  pleadfully  at  der  stout  vom- 
an und  der  stout  voman  looked  icefully 
at  me. 

Den  I  looked  insinuatfully  up  at  der 
package  holder  above  der  seat,  den  at 
der  bird  cage,  den  at  der  stout  voman, 
vareupon  she  turned  up  her  nose  more 
carefully  und  looked  ouid  of  der  vin- 
dow,  so  I  knew  it  vas  all  off,  und 
valked  avay. 

I  stopped  abouid  four  seats  ahead 
vare  a  small  voman  vas  holding  in  her 
arms  a  small  baby  at  abouid  der  age 
of  four  months,  und  I  set:  "Has  dis 
seat  got  an  occupation?" 

"It  has,"  set  der  small  voman  in 
short,  sharp  accents,  und  so  saying  she 
put  der  baby  in  der  seat,  und  mit  her 
glittering  eyes  dared  me  to  sit  on  it. 

42 


PINKELSPIEL'S     LETTERS    TO     LOOEY 

I  dittent. 

Across  der  aisle  a  colored  man  hat 
der  seat  alone,  mit  der  eggsception  dot 
in  vun  hand,  firmly  clutched  between 
der  t'umb  und  forefinger,  vas  a  dying 
seegar. 

Dot  seegar  vas  dying  such  a  long, 
loud,  lingering  death  dot  I  dit  not  haf 
der  heart  to  stay  in  der  neighborhood, 
so  I  moved  on  down  der  aisle. 

Pretty  soon  I  came  by  a  seat  vare  a 
leedle  girl  abouid  twelve  years  old  vas 
only  using  half  of  it,  so  I  vispered  men- 
tally by  myself:  "Here  is  vare  I  re- 
pose myself  on  der  vay  to  Pelham, 
yet." 

"Oxcoos,  please,"  I  set  to  der  leedle 
girl ;  "has  dis  seat  an  occupation  ?" 

"Not  soon,  but  later,"  set  der  leedle 
girl,  all  in  vun  breathe.  "I  vas  saving 
dis  seat  for  my  Uncle  Chon  vich  is  my 
Aunt  Mary's  husband  vare  I  live  in 
Mount  Verdant,  und  Uncle  Chon  he  is 
gone  back  to  get  der  Ladies'  Home 
Churnal  because  he  forgot  it,  und 
should  he  come  home  mitouid  it  Aunt 
Mary  vould  scold  mit  him  all  dis  after- 
noon und  most  of  der  night,  so  if  Uncle 
Chon  doan'd  miss  der  train  he  is  here 
in  dis  seat,  und  if  he  do  miss  der  train 

43 


DINKELSPIEL'S     LETTERS    TO     LOOEY 

he  is  home  by  der  next  vun,  und  Aunt 
Mary  vill  scold  him  anyhow,  neferder- 
least!" 

"Poor  Chon!"  I  murmured,  und 
valked  on. 

Der  next  seat  I  stopped  at  vas  being 
used  by  a  olt  chentleman  vich  hat  vite 
viskers,  sefen  bundles,  t'ree  newspapers 
und  der  asthma. 

"If  I  vould  svear  to  carry  dose  sefen 
bundles  on  my  knees  vould  you  permis- 
sion me  to  use  der  plush  unterneath 
dem?"  I  inkvired  politefully. 

"Hey?"  set  der  olt  chentleman,  incli- 
ning der  body  forvard  und  spilling  five 
of  der  packages  on  der  floor. 

Vile  I  vas  repeating  my  qvestion  he 
vas  diving  head  fairst  after  der  bundles, 
und  efery  time  he  picked  up  vun  he 
dropped  two. 

Ven  I  left  him  der  score  vas  four 
up  und  ten  to  go,  mit  der  odds  in  favor 
of  der  floor. 

Den  I  vent  into  der  smoking  car  und 
found  a  seat  mit  a  Neapolitan  chent  by 
der  name  of  Microbini,  und  dare  I  sat 
unt  breathed  imported  cherms  und  imi- 
tation tobacco  smoke  all  der  vay  to  Pel- 
ham. 

Vunce  I  made  up  a  leedle  romance 

44 


DINKELSPIEL'S     LETTERS    TO     LOOEY 

in  der  form  of  a  novel  abouid  der  corn- 
mutineer  vich  leaves  his  family  in  der 
brightness  of  der  morning,  und,  alas ! 
how  many  veary  years  gp  by  before  he 
can  get  a  train  back  home  again ! 

I  vish  to  show  you  dis  novel,  Looey, 
because  it  carries  mit  it  a  deep  und  bit- 
ter lesson  yet ! 

DER  NOVEL. 

Der  colt,  gray  dawn  yust  vent  broke 
in  der  eastern  sky,  und  in  dot  leedle 
suburban  home  dare  vas  a  busy  odor  of 
kerosene  und  burned  flapchacks. 

"Maud !" 

Commutineer  Goosedipper  paused 
und  shook  der  family  growler  slowly 
from  side  to  side. 

"Yes,  Claudius!"  der  faitful  vife  re- 
sponsed. 

"It  is  now  a  leedle  less  den  daylight 
on  Monday  morning,"  he  set;  "und  I 
must  leave  Insomniahurst  und  go  forth 
to  der  great  city  vare  I  get  my  vages." 

Goosedipper  sighed  und  sqveezed  der 
pitcher. 

"Und  to-day  der  G.  T.  &  S.  D.  R.  R. 
takes  off  femf  und  swansig  more 
trains!"  he  gasped. 


DINKELSPIEL'S    LETTERS    TO     LOOEY 

"Gaudius!"  der  vife  eggsclama- 
tioned,  pale  from  vun  end  of  her  face 
to  der  udder. 

"To-day,  Maud,  I  must  vent  forth 
on  a  train  vich  is  liable  to  get  side- 
tracked at  der  slightest  provocation  ing, 
und  if  so  I  vill  look  no  more  upon  In- 
somniahurst  until  many  bitter  years 
haf  faded  into  der  elsevare,"  he  mut- 
tered all  foam-bedecked  into  der  pitcher. 

"Urid  so  soon  I  must  lose  you!"  set 
der  good  vife,  springing  into  tears. 

"It  is  der  vill  of  Fate,"  he  set. 

"Der  years  vill  be  long  between  us," 
she  set,  sobbing  mit  her  woice. 

"Yes,  Maud ;  but  I  vill  telegraph  you 
money  vunce  in  a  vile,"  he  vispered,  re- 
straining der  impulse  to  cross  his  fin- 
gers. 

"Ach,  Himmel!  dot  awful  suburban 
railroad  system,"  she  shuddered,  "sep- 
arationing  der  vife  from  der  husband 
und  der  fodder  from  der  children  he 
can  nefer  know  in  deir  infancy." 

"Teach  der  children  not  to  forget  me 
vile  I  vas  avay  in  der  office,"  said 
Goosedipper  eagerly. 

"I  vill,  Claudius,  if  I  haf  to  dit  it  mit 
a  shawl  strap,"  set  der  luffing  vife. 

Den  Goosedipper  arose  himself. 

4« 


'teach  I)ER   children    not   to    forget   me  vile  I  VAS  AVAY 

IN  der  office,"  said  goosedipper,  eagerly. 


Page  46. 


DINKELSPIEL'S    LETTERS    TO     LOOEY 

"Come,  Maud,  let  me  look  around  der 
old  home  vunce  again  before  I  go  avay 
to  duty  on  der  7:09  accommodation 
vich  runs  eagerly  like  a  rabbit,  bidder 
und  thidder,  und  no  vare  in  particular," 

Togedder  mit  his  vife,  hand  in  hand, 
followed  py  der  cat  und  der  leedle 
Goosedippers,  der  brafe  commutineer 
took  a  parting  valk  among  his  house- 
hold. 

It  vas  a  touching  sight  to  see  dem. 

Und  ven  his  emotion  ofercamed  him, 
und  he  stepped  unmeaningly  on  der 
cat,  der  scene  vas  too  unkind  for  vords. 

Den  mit  a  sob  Goosedipper  grabbed 
his  lunch  box  und  vas  gone. 

Der  cruel  suburban  railway  system 
closed  ofer  him  und  der  leedle  house  at 
Insomniahurst  resounded  no  more  to 
der  moosic  of  his  heels  on  der  oil-clot'. 

Poor  vife!  bitter  vas  der  tears  she 
shed  ofer  dare  clean  but  ineggspensive 
table  clot'. 

Und  her  name  vas  Maud ! 

*  *  4c  «  4c  ]^ 

Der  days,  der  veeks,  der  mont's  vent 
speeding  by,  und  vun  efening,  late  for 
supper,  he  came  back. 

"I  caught  a  train  many  years  ago,  but 

ve  hat  to  change  cars  at  Salt  Lake  City, 
47 


DINKELSPIEL'S     LETTERS    TO     LOOEY 

SO  I  came  home  py  der  vay  of  Bangor, 
Maine,"  vas  der  only  eggsplanation  he 
made. 

"Doan'd  apologize  yourself,  Claudi- 
us," set  der  luffing  vife.  "I  knew  you 
vould  be  home  some  day  if  you  hat  to 
vait  for  der  Panamama  Canal  to  get 
digged!" 

Such  is  der  simple  faith  of  der  com- 
mutineers. 

"Vare  is  Spartacus?"  said  Goosedip- 
per.  "Ven  I  left  you  he  vas  our  oldest 
son.  I  hope  no  change  has  happened 
to  him.  Doan'd  you  remember,  Maud? 
Der  day  before  I  vent  on  der  7 109  train 
leedle  Spartacus  put  on  his  fairst 
knicklebuckle  pants !    Vare  is  he,  yes  ?'* 

"Dot  vas  many  years  ago,"  sighed 
der  vife.  "Ven  Spartacus  growed  up 
old  enough  to  learn  der  shcedule  of  der 
time  table  he  svore  nefer  to  leave  home 
until  der  railroads  made  some  arrange- 
ments to  get  him  back  again,  und  so  he 
is  now  a  hermit." 

"A  hermit!"  inkvired  Goosedipper; 
"vot  is  a  hermit  ?" 

"A  hermit,"  answered  der  vife,  "a 
hermit  is  a  commutineer  dot  luffs  his 
home  too  veil  to  commute." 

"Und  leedle  Augustus  Appius,  vare 

48 


DINKELSRIEL'S     LETTERS    TO     LOOEY 

is  he?"  inkvired  der  husband  after  a 
vile. 

"Leedle  Augustus  Appius  has  growed 
up  und  deweloped  der  brain  of  a  deep 
thinker,"  set  der  vife.  "Mit  ten  years 
more  study  he  vill  be  able  to  think  deep 
enough  to  invent  a  suburban  train  dot 
vill  haf  der  sense  und  courage  to  keep 
on  going  until  it  reaches  der  place  vare 
it  started  for." 

"Yes,  Claudius,"  continuationed  der 
vife,  "our  leedle  Appius  is  a  scien- 
tificker.  Efery  time  he  reads  abouid  a 
new  idea  he  sits  down  und  invents  it. 
He  is  now  vorking  on  a  useless  pole  for 
der  vireless  telegraph." 

Der  husband  vent  ouid  on  a  thunder 
strike. 

"My,  my,  my!"  set  Goosedipper.  "I 
go  avay  on  der  G.  T.  &  S.  D.  R,  R., 
und  before  I  get  back  my  children  grow 
up  und  get  famous !  Such  is  der  subur- 
ban railroad  system!  Vare  is  leedle 
Gladiolus?  Ven  I  left  she  vas  der 
youngest.  I  hope  she  did  not  change 
her  mind  during  my  absence." 

"No,"  set  der  vife,  "but  she  has 
growed  up  to  be  a  car-shy  girl !" 

"Car-shy!"     echoed     her     husband. 

"Yes,"  responded  der  vife.    "Vunce 

49 


DINKELSPIEL'S     LETTERS    TO     LOOEY 

ven  she  vas  yust  a  leedle  child 
I  t'ought  I  heard  der  shriek  of  a  loco- 
motive, und  I  fainted  mit  surprise.  It 
vas  a  false  alarm,  because  der  shriek 
vas  made  py  der  patent  medicine  brew- 
ery ofer  behind  der  hill,  but  der  scene 
made  a  deep  impression  on  Gladiolus. 
Efer  since  dot  moment  she  throws  a  fit 
ven  anybody  mentions  a  railroad  train, 
because  she  doan'd  believe  dare  is  such 
a  ding  in  der  vorld.  But  I  haf  sad  und 
bitter  news  for  you,  Oaudius !  Dit  you 
remember  der  cat  dot  you  stepped  on 
dot  day  so  long  ago  ven  you  vent  avay 
to  vork  for  your  vages?  Veil,  it  died 
two  years  after  you  took  der  7:09  ac- 
commodation. It  vent  ouid  in  der  wil- 
lage  street  to  look  at  some  groceries. 
Der  groceries  belonged  to  der  family 
four  doors  below  us  in  der  next  field. 
So  dit  der  hammer  vich  killed  der  cat !" 

"Der  growler  vich  hung  on  der  vail  ?" 
vispered  Goosedipper. 

"I  haf  it  as  you  left  it,"  vispered 
back  der  vife. 

"Chase  it,"  vas  all  he  set. 

DER   END. 


w 


DINKELSPIEL'S     LETTERS    TO     LOOEY 

Dis  is  my  fairst  eggsperience  mit  a 
novel,  Looey,  so  you  vill  oxcoos  your 
father  if  he  ain't  so  stylish  und  so  nu- 
merous mit  his  lankvich  like  Bobbie 
Chambers,  und  Gillie  Parker,  und 
Roody  Kiplink  und  all  dem  udder  vord 
carpenters. 

Dis  novel  is  not  for  der  wulger  gaze 
of  der  crickick ;  it  is  only  for  home  con- 
sumption. 

Und  ven  your  mother  read  it  she 
nearly  consumed  it  all  by  vishing  to 
t'row  it  in  der  kitchen  stove. 

Your  mother  is  a  nice  voman,  Looey, 
but  she  has  not  got  a  artistic  tempera- 
ture. 

You  say  in  der  letter.  Looey,  dot  your 
intention  to  vent  to  Chicago  py  der 
Lakes  on  vun  of  dose  big  vale-backers, 
und  could  I  gif  you  some  adwice 
abouid  der  ettyket  of  steamboats. 

I  ain'd  no  aut'ority  on  such,  Looey, 
but  votefer  is  loose  in  my  mind  you 
vas  velcome  mit  it,  my  son. 

I  had  made  ouid  a  few  rules  abouid 
vot  you  should  not  do  on  a  big  ocean 
steamboat,  vich  can  also  be  used  for 
fresh  vater,  und  you  should  paste  dese 
in  your  hat. 


61 


DINKELSPIEL'S    LETTERS    TO    LOOEY 

You  should  commital  dem  to  memory 
in  case  der  hat  falls  ofer  der  larboard 
vatch  ahoy  und  leaves  you  ettyketless, 
yet. 

RULES  OF  DER  SEA. 

Rule  Fairst — Ven  in  doubt  lead 
trump. 

Rule  Second — In  case  of  sea-sickness 
go  back  home  und  begin  all  ofer. 

Rule  Next — A  passenger  should  nef- 
er  fall  oferboard  eggscept  at  his  own 
eggspense. 

Rule  Fort' — Remember  dot  all  der 
high  tides  ain'd  in  der  ocean,  vich  any 
bartender  can  prove. 

Rule  Fift' — If  you  doan'd  see  vot 
you  vant  ask  der  second  mate  und  you 
vill  get  it — goot  und  hart. 

Rule  Sigs — Passengers  vich  desire  to 
svim  in  der  ocean  vill  haf  to  furnish 
deir  own  beach. 

Rule  Sefen — If  dare  vas  no  sharks  in 
der  ocean  yust  sit  in  a  poker  game  und 
you  vill  see  dem. 

Rule  Eight — If  your  friends  refusal 
to  buy  you  a  drink  go  up  on  der  hurri- 
cane deck  und  get  blown  off. 

Rule  Nine — Der  rubber-neck  vagons 

62 


DINKELSPIEL'S     LETTERS    TO     LOOEY 

chenerally  leave  der  foot  of  der  stairs 
efery  half  hour  to  go  slumming  in  der 
steerage. 

Rule  Ten — Passengers  should  not 
tease  der  boiler,  because  it  is  liable  to 
get  sore  und  make  a  few  scalding  re- 
marks, mebbe. 

Rule  Elefen — Passengers  on  der 
large  ocean  steamboats  vill  find  der 
golf  links  yust  forvard  und  a  leedle  to 
der  starboard  of  der  place  vare  you 
splice  der  main  brace. 

Rule  Twelf — In  case  of  a  storm  at 
sea  you  vill  find  der  life  preserfers  in 
der  Captain's  safe,  und  you  should  put 
on  der  preserfers  in  dis  way :  Fairst 
you  take  your  life  in  your  hand  und  in- 
troduce it  to  der  preserfer.  Den  took 
both  ends  of  der  leather  strap  und  re- 
moof  der  buckle  mit  your  teet'.  Now 
borrow  a  match  und  see  vot  time  it  is. 
If  it  is  later  den  you  eggspected,  lift 
der  life  preserfer  ofer  der  left  shoulder 
so  dot  der  eggstreme  southern  end  of 
der  cross-section  is  supmerged.  Now 
unbutton  der  cosmopolitan  und  ignite 
der  gasoline,  being  eggstremely  careful 
to  keep  der  face  pointed  at  der  north. 
Valk  backvards  five  paces  und  fall  ofer- 
board.     If  you  float  you  vas  aces  up. 

53 


DINKELSPIEL'S    LETTERS    TO    LOOEY 

Uddervise  you  must  haf  put  der  life 
preserfer  on  wrong  side  ouid. 


Mebbe  dare  is  better  rules  of  ettyket, 
Looey,  but  dese  is  all  I  haf  to  help  you 
ofer  der  stormy  vaters  to-day. 


94 


IV. 

THE  SELECTION   OF  A  WIFE. 


M' 


Home.  To-day. 
^EIN  LIEBER  LOOEY— Ve 
haf  receifed  your  letter  from 
Atlantic  City,  und  ve  vas  glat 
to  hear  it  dot  pitzness  vas  goot  mit 
commercial  trafeling,  und  dot  your 
healt'  continuations  to  be  plausible. 

Your  mother  informations  me  dot 
twice  a  veek  regular  you  write  a  letter 
to  Bauerschmidt's  daughter,  Amelia. 

Such  is  a  nice  idea,  Looey,  und  I  sup- 
position dot  soonest  or  latest  you  vill 
took  Amelia  by  der  elbow  und  rush  mit 
her  up  to  a  minister. 

Neferderleast,  vile  ve  vas  on  dis  sup- 
checkt,  I  dink  your  father  should  gif 
you  some  advice  on  dese  matters,  yet. 

Nefer  fall  in  luff  in  a  hurry,  Looey, 
because,  like  der  inimitable  proverb  of 
der  ancient  Greeks,  "To  get  in  chail  is 
easy;  to  get  ouid  is  annoying." 

Und  before  comes  der  last  final  mo- 
ment, ven  der  vord  is  spoken  vich 
means  vedding  inwitations  or  a  suit  mit 
britches  of  promise,   you   should   stop 

55 


DINKELSPIEL'S     LETTERS    TO     LOOEY 

und  figure  it  ouid  haf  you  selectioned 
der  right  girl. 

Many  a  man  has  lost  all  dot  makes 
life  happy  und  sveet  und  choyous  be- 
cause he  married  mitouid  finding  ouid 
had  der  girl  enough  money  to  support 
both. 

Many  a  fair  young  man,  perhaps  der 
pride  und  choy  of  two  or  three  doteful 
parents,  has  chumped  into  der  sea  of 
matrimony  und  froze  to  his  death  in  its 
icy  vaters  vile  vaiting  for  a  check  from 
der  cruel  father-in-law. 

Ach,  Himmel !  Looey,  a  opstinate 
father-in-law  mit  a  padlock  on  his 
check-book  has  done  more  to  put  frost 
on  der  holy  bonds  of  matrimony  den  all 
der  udder  evils  compined. 

Day  after  day  bright  und  intelligent 
young  men  put  fair  und  luffly  young 
vimmen  in  borrowed  benzine  buggies 
und  rush  shrieking  avay  to  a  cheap  min- 
ister in  der  suburbs. 

Den  der  happy  cubble  sits  patiently 
in  der  parlor  of  der  village  tafern,  vait- 
ing for  papa's  telegram  vich  vill  say : 
"Come  home  at  vunce,  eferyding  is  for- 
gifen  und  ve  vill  all  valk  togedder  to 
der  Fairst  National  Bank  in  der  morn- 
ing." 

56 


DINKELSPIEL'S     LETTERS    TO     LOOEY 

But,  alas !  no  telegram  arrivals,  und 
der  veary  bridegroom  sits  dare  und  vill 
not  be  comforted  because  dare  is  nud- 
ding  in  sight  to  live  for  eggscept  vork, 
vork,  vork. 

Und  remember.  Looey,  alvays  marry 
a  voman  smaller  den  yourself,  because 
discretion  is  der  better  part  of  walor. 

Alvays  marry  a  voman  vich  knows  a 
goot  choke  ven  she  sees  it,  but  it  ain'd 
necessary  for  her  to  tell  you  whose 
choke  it  is  ven  you  make  it. 

Dot's  der  trouble  mit  some  peoples. 
You  make  a  fine  choke  und  dey  laugh 
uproarifiedly,  und  bimeby,  ven  dey  get 
deir  breathe  back,  but  still  holding  vun 
hand  on  deir  side,  dey  say:  "Chee! 
ain't  dot  funny  !  und  so  originality !  I 
alvays  liked  dot  choke  since  der  fairst 
time  I  read  it  in  Mark  Tvain's  book." 

Vy  not  laugh  und  let  it  go  at  dot  ? 

Annuder  ding,  Looey,  ven  you  marry 
a  voman  let  her  be  a  philosopheress,  be- 
cause if  you  should  happen  to  lose  your 
chob  dare  vas  nudding  so  nice  to  haf 
around  der  house  as  a  philosopheress. 

She  can  sit  dare  py  der  hour  und  tell 
you  vot  you  could  do  mit  your  money 
if  you  had  it. 

Alvays,  Looey,  alvays  marry  a  vom- 

57 


OPV    ■ 


DINKELSPIEL'S     LETTERS    TO     LOOEY 

an  mit  health  und  a  large,  broad  appe- 
tite. She  should  haf  charity  in  her 
heart  und  room  next  to  it  for  efery  dish 
dot  grows  in  der  kitchen. 

It  is  so  distressful  for  a  pleasant 
chentleman  to  sit  at  der  table  mit  a 
small,  timid  leedle  vife  und  haf  her 
throw  der  plate  of  hot  spaghetti  ouid 
der  dining-room  vindow  ven  least  eggs- 
pected  to. 

If  you  vas  ouid  valking,  Looey,  mit 
a  young  lady  und  you  should  slip  on  a, 
banana's  chacket,  vatch  her  closely. 

If  she  doan'd  giggle  marry  her  at 
vunce.    She  has  self-control. 

If  you  should  meet  up  mit  a  young 
lady  for  der  fairst  time  vich  refusals 
to  eat  ice  cream  ven  you  vas  villing  to 
buy  it,  marry  her  at  vunce.  She  is  a 
goot  ding. 

But,  Looey,  doan'd  misunterstoot 
your  father's  motives  und  dink  dot  I 
vish  you  to  marry  all  dese  vimmen. 

Far  be  it. 

Der  idea  is,  Looey,  to  find  a  girl  vich 
contains  as  many  of  dese  wirtues  as 
possible,  den  yell  for  a  minister. 

I  doan'd  know  vare  you  vill  find  such 
a  angel,  but  nit  disperado,  as  der  an- 
cient Romans  used  to  make  it. 

68 


IF  YOU  VA9  OCID  VALKING,  LOOEY,  MIT  A  TOTNG  LADY  UND 
YOU  8HOULD  SLIP  ON  A  BANANA'S  CHACKET,  VATCH  HKR 

CLOSELY. 

Page  5S. 


DINKELSPIEL'S     LETTERS    TO     LOOEY 

Mebbe  Bauerschmidt's  daughter  has 
dese  qualificationments. 

Mebbe  she  ain't. 

Der  only  vay  to  find  ouid  is  to  save 
up  your  money  und  marry  her. 

You  haf  my  wilHngness. 

Ve  haf  receifed  your  postal  card 
from  der  seashore  vich  eggsposes  to 
view  der  young  lady  valking  on  der 
beach  mit  a  nervous  lobster  clinging  to 
each  arm. 

It  says  in  printing  untemeath  der 
picture :    "Loretta  in  her  bathing  suit.'* 

Veil,  vy  doan'd  she  vear  it? 

If  she  has  a  bathing  suit  vy  doan'd 
she  put  it  on? 

I  bet  four  dollars  if  it  vas  my  beach 
Loretta  could  not  valk  it  mit  nudding 
between  her  und  der  ocean  breezes 
eggscept  a  mosquito-netting  shirt-vaist 
und  a  Chapanese  lantern  skirt. 

Und,  Looey,  dot  lobster  on  der  left 
looks  familiar — it  ain't  you,  is  it? 

I  haf  not  breathed  dis  suspicion  to 
your  mother,  because  she,  mit  her 
mother's  luff  for  her  boy,  might  not  see 
der  resemblings,  und  it  is  alretty  varm 
enough  at  dis  season  of  der  year  yet 
mitouid  hafing  der  house  full  mit  hot 
vords  from  a  family  argument. 

59 


DINKELSPIEL'S    LETTERS    TO     LOOEY 

You  ask  me  in  der  letter.  Looey, 
could  I  suchchest  some  light  conwersa- 
tioning  vile  speaking  mit  a  strange  lady 
for  der  fairst  time  at  der  seashore. 

Because  you  vas  my  son,  Looey,  und 
you  may  haf  to  rush  suttenly  into  So- 
ciety some  day,  I  haf  darefore  author- 
shipped  a  short  cattlekism  vich  vill  car- 
ry you  through  der  angry  skurf  vich 
beats  forefer  on  der  social  shore. 

Let  us  supposition  dot  it  is  now  after 
dinner  und  you  vas  ouid  on  der  pizazza 
mit  a  strange  but  sveet  young  lady. 

Let  us  supposition  now,  Looey,  dot 
she  vas  gracefully  seated  in  a  low-neck 
chair  on  der  pizazza  vile  you  vas  lean- 
ing artistically  against  der  upright  vich 
supports  der  roof  und  also  a  sign  vich 
says  "Vet  Paint." 

From  time  to  time  you  should  gaze 
ouid  across  der  blue  vaters  of  der  ocean, 
und  den,  turning  your  eyes  on  her  mit 
infinite  manliness,  firmly  but  surely 
push  ofer  in  her  face  a  large  bunch  of 
cigaroot  smoke  vich  you  haf  no  furder 
use  for. 

Dis  establishments  vot  der  Svedes 
call  der  ententy  cordial,  but  doan'd  let 
her  see  dot  you  vas  leaning  against  der 


PINKELSPIEL'S     LETTERS    TO     LOOEY 

vet  paint,  because  it  ain'd  time  yet  to 
hand  her  a  laugh. 

Now  you  should  slide  into  a  rocking' 
chair  und,  as  you  do  so,  treat  der  at- 
mosphere to  annuder  ouidburst  of  ciga- 
root  smoke. 

For  a  leedle  vile  your  two  chairs  vill 
rock  chently  to  und  fro  in  unionsome, 
den  you  vill  pause  und  say:  "Oxcoos, 
please !" 

Den  you  vill  raise  der  right  hand  at  a 
angle  of  fourteen  centimeters,  mit  der 
palm  ouidstretched,  and  you  vill  sut- 
tenly  bring  it  down  on  der  lady's  wrist, 
eggsclaiming  bitterly:  "I  got  him  dot 
time  \" 

Dis  is  called  der  mosquito  gambit,  or 
opening  move,  at  der  seashore. 

Den  you  vill  look  ouid  at  der  eggs- 
pensive  ocean  und  say :  "It  vas  a  beau- 
tiful night  to-night,  ain't  it,  yes  ?" 

Der  young  lady  vich  has  py  dis  time 
remoofed  der  deceased  mosquito  from 
her  bracelet  vill  say :  "Yes,  t'ank  you ; 
und  so  vas  last  night,  yes !" 

Comes  silence. 

Den  der  young  lady  vill  sigh  und 
speak  at  you  dus :  "Is  your  healt'  im- 
provemented  here  or  do  you  intention 
to  took  der  mud  baths  ?" 

61 


DINKELSPIEL'S     LETTERS    TO     LOOEY 

You  vill  annoy  der  ashes  on  your 
cigaroot  und  response:  "No,  t'ank 
you.  I  haf  been  on  der  vater  vagon 
for  ofer  a  veek,  so  I  doan'd  need  to  go 
to  Hot  Springs." 

Comes  silence. 

Two  puffs  und  a  svallow  from  der 
cigaroot  und  you  say :  "Vas  you  going 
to  haf  a  new  divorce  dis  Fall  or  vill  you 
use  last  Summer's?" 

Den  der  young  lady  vill  gaze  moon- 
vardly  und  response:  "My  husband 
gets  home  so  late  at  night  dot  ve  haf 
hat  no  chance  to  talk  it  ofer." 

Comes  silence. 

Den  mit  a  flutter  of  her  eggspensive 
lace  hankumchief  at  der  Chune  bugs 
der  young  lady  svitches  der  conversa- 
tioning  to  literature,  und  she  says: 
"Name  der  five  best  books  in  der  vorld." 

Vunce  more  you  annoy  der  ashes  on 
your  cigaroot  und  reply  languidly: 
"Der  five  best  books  vas  Bank-book, 
Check-book,  Pocketbook,  Mileage-book, 
und  Cook-book." 

Comes  silence. 

After  dis  you  vill  small  talk  yourselfs 
in  dis  fashion: 

You — It  vas  a  beautiful  day  to-day, 
ain'd  it,  yes? 

62 


PINKELSPIEL'8    LETTERS    TO    LOOEY 

She — Yes,  thank  you;  and  so  is  to- 
morrow maybe. 

You — Vich  dit  you  like  best,  der 
ocean  or  der  seashore  ? 

She — I  haf  no  preference,  but  if  any- 
ding,  I  like  der  mountains. 

You — Dit  you  go  to  Europe  last 
Summer  ? 

She — No;  der  steamer  vouldn't  call 
for  my  trunks. 

You — Does  your  husband  like  Bar 
Harbor  ? 

She — No;  he  says  home-made  bars 
vas  goot  enough  for  him. 

You — Vas  you  fond  of  pickled  ice 
cream  ? 

She — No,  thank  you ;  a  high  ball  vill 
'do  nicely. 

You — Do  you  play  golf  mit  der 
Scotch  or  English  accentuation  ? 

She — I  prefer  bridge  vist,  because  I 
vin  two  dollars  at  it  yesterday. 

You — Do  you  vear  your  chewing 
gum  on  der  starboard  or  der  port  side  ? 

She — No,  but  I  vill  puff  a  cigaroot 
mit  you  if  dare  vas  nobody  looking. 

You — Vas  you  fond  of  literature  ? 

She — It  depends  on  who  is  der  letter 
{tool 


DINKELSPIEL'S    LETTERS    TO     LOOEY 

You — Who  vas  your  favorite  author  ? 

She— Der  Mint. 

After  dis  you  should  change  der  sub- 
ject, Looey,  und  show  her  how  much 
paint  you  haf  removed  mit  your  flannel 
shirt. 

Dis  is  alvays  goot  for  a  laugh  at  dis 
season  of  der  year. 

Ve  notice  vot  you  say  in  der  letter 
abouid  getting  retty  to  vent  to  a  Society 
punkshun. 

Dot  vas  right.  Looey. 

Nefer  neglection  pitzness  for  pleas- 
ure, but  ven  you  get  through  mit  pitz- 
ness it  vas  a  goot  idea  to  pleasure  your- 
self such  as  der  t'eater  or  a  Society 
punkshun. 

Personality,  I  haf  hat  much  eggspe- 
rience  mit  dese  Society  punkshuns, 
Looey,  und  my  advice  on  dese  matters 
ivas  eggstremely  conclusive. 

I  dink  I  should  gif  you  my  rules  vich 
vill  tell  you  how  to  act  at  dese  punk- 
shuns. 

After  you  learn  dese,  Looey,  den  ven 
it  comes  to  shining  in  Society  you  vill 
be  der  biggest  shine  in  it,  yet. 

Listen,  Looey!  Ven  entering  So- 
ciety alvays  valk  mit  der  feet  pointing 
to  der  northvest;  und  ven  you  mingle 

64 


DINKELSPIEL'S     LETTERS    TO     LOOEY 

mit  der  t'rong  alvays  keep  der  left  hand 
on  der  pocketbook,  vile  you  throw  der 
right  hand  carelessly  ofer  der  diamond 
scarfpin  in  der  corsage.  Dis  delays 
suspicion.  Ven  leaving  Society  alvays 
bow  tvice  in  der  direction  of  der  dining- 
room,  den  valk  backwards  und  trust  to 
luck. 

Listen,  Looey!  Ven  der  hostess  in- 
troductions you  to  a  lady  alvays  inkvire 
politefully  vot  is  her  age.  If  she  says 
it  in  small  figures,  raise  der  eyebrows 
mit  a  slight  doubt.  If  she  doan^d  an- 
swer she  is  no  lady. 

Listen,  Looey!  Ven  at  a  Society 
pimkshun  alvays  smoke  cigarettes  mit 
your  initials  on  dem.  Der  idea  of  dese 
initials  is  a  happy  vun,  und  preven- 
tions much  confusion  should  you  vish 
to  resume  smoking  after  der  cigaroot 
has  became  a  butt.  If  anyvun  else 
should  lay  claim  to  your  cigaroot  you 
can  mit  a  flash  of  der  eye  point  to  der 
initials  und  eggsclaim  "Ha!"  mit  der 
rising  inflection  on  der  last  syllabus. 

Listen,  Looey !  Nefer  reach  ofer  und 
stab  a  hunk  of  bread  mit  your  oster 
fork  ven  dare  vas  a  bigger  fork  on  der 
table. 

Listen,  Looey!    Nefer  eat  fresh-laid 

66 


DINKELSPIEL'S     LETTERS    TO     LOOEY 

pickles  mit  a  spoon.  Dis  is  vun  of  der 
most  pitiful  mistakes  vich  a  chent  could 
make  in  Society.  Use  der  tumb  und 
der  leedle  finger,  sqveezing  der  victim 
slightly  until  it  is  still  und  motionless. 
Den  bite  it  mitouid  fear. 

Listen,  Looey!  You  can  alvays  tell 
a  Edam  from  a  Camembert  py  der  kind 
of  stories  he  tells. 

Listen,  Looey !  Ven  you  haf  placed 
your  napkin  arount  der  neck  yust  be- 
fore dinner,  nefer  ask  for  a  safety  pin. 
Stick  der  fork  through  it  und  vade  in. 

Listen,  Looey!  If  you  doan'd  like 
der  cherry  in  your  cocktail  doan'd  t'row 
it  at  your  host.  Mebbe  he  doan'd  know 
how  to  take  a  choke. 

Listen,  Looey!  Ven  dinner  is  ofer 
nefer  ask  der  hostess  vot  is  for  break- 
fast. It  is  unrefined  to  be  so  appetite- 
ful  in  puplic. 

Listen,  Looey!  Vile  vaiting  at  der 
table  for  der  demmy  tash  nefer  arise  at 
der  table  to  make  a  recitation  or  try  to 
sing  der  Star  Sprinkled  Banner. 

Doan'd  start  anyding.  Looey. 

Let  dot  be  your  vatchvord  alvays— 
doan'd  start  anyding. 

I  haf  several  udder  rules.  Looey,  but 


66 


DINKELSPIEL'S    LETTERS    TO     LOOEY 

sufficient  unto  der  dining-room  is  der 
menu  dareof. 

Above  all  dings,  Looey,  get  your 
ettyket  vorking  in  fairst-class  order, 
den  you  vill  nefer  make  a  fox  pass  at  a 
Society  punkshun. 

Your  mother  und  me  vas  also  at  der 
seashore,  und  ve  yust  got  back,  poorer, 
thinner,  und  mit  a  vistful  look  in  our 
eyes. 

Abouid  two  veeks  ago  I  set  to  your 
mother  at  home  vun  efening:  "My 
dear,  it  is  such  a  hotness  in  der  humid- 
ity of  der  atmosphericals,  darefore,  half 
ve  no  friends  in  Atlantic  City  to  vich 
ve  owe  a  wisit  ?  Remember,  our  honor 
is  at  stake,  because  ve  should  pay  our 
debts  alvays.  Try  hard  to  recollection 
some  vun  ve  owe  a  wisit  to !" 

Your  mother  set:  "Dare  vas  der 
Picklesauers  on  Kentucky  Afenue.  I 
entertained  Mrs.  Picklesauer  und  her 
daughter,  Harmonica,  at  a  luncheon 
vun  day.  I  met  dem  in  a  compartment 
store,  und  ve  hat  some  shredded  cante- 
loupe  and  prunes  passepartout.  She 
inwited  me  to  call  on  her  ven  I  vas  in 
Atlantic  City — perhaps  ve  owe  her, 
yes!" 


67 


DINKELSPIEL'S    LETTERS    TO    LOOEY 

"Does  der  Picklesauers  lif  near  der 
Boardvalk  vare  ve  can  sit  in  der  parlor 
vindow  und  can  see  der  wisions  of  fair 
vimmen  und  brafe  mens  mit  shapes  on 
dem  like  a  Spanish  mackerel  as  dey 
emerge  from  der  briny  billows?"  I  in- 
kvired. 

"No,  der  Boardvalk  is  some  distance 
und  quite  unseeable  from  der  Pickle- 
sauer  house,"  your  mother  responded. 

"Gif  yourself  a  receipt  for  dot  debt; 
it  is  paid,"  I  vispered.  "Try  now  to 
pay  someding  near  der  Boardvalk. 
Vot  is  der  use  to  meet  a  social  obliga- 
tion unless  ve  get  a  rebate  ?" 

"Dare  vas  Mr.  und  Mrs.  Shauer- 
bath,"  set  your  mother.  "Dey  keep  a 
boarding-house  near  der  ocean,  und  I 
entertained  dem  vunce  on  a  Broadvay 
car  by  having  a  dispute  mit  der  con- 
ductor abouid  my  fare.  Mebbe  now 
is  der  appointed  time  to  pay  such  a  so- 
cial obligation,  yes." 

Mit  a  burning  desire  in  our  hearts  to 
be  honest  before  der  vorld  und  pay  dis 
wisit  vich  ve  owed  so  long  und  so  un- 
chustly  ve  packed  up  a  few  hand  bag- 
gages und  rushed  to  Atlantic  City. 

Ve  soon  found  der  Shauerbath  board- 
ing-house,   und    der    Shauerbaths    re- 

68 


DINKELSPIEL'S    LETTERS    TO    LOOEY 

ceifed  us  mit  open  arms,  open  faces, 
und  open  pocketbooks. 

Dey  immediately  took  down  all  der 
social  bars  und  put  us  at  our  ease  by 
charging  us  fifteen  dollars  a  day  for 
vun  room  ofer  a  bathing  pavilion,  und 
ven  ve  eggsplained  mit  tears  in  our  eyes 
dot  ve  vas  on  a  pilgrimage  to  pay  our 
honest  debts  mit  a  long-forgotten  wisit, 
dey  smiled  feverishly  und  set  dey  vould 
radder  ve  owed  dem  der  wisit  forefer 
if  ve  vould  pay  dem  der  cash  for  der 
room. 

Und  dis  is  how  it  came  abouid  dot 
your  mother  und  I  had  to  put  on  patent 
eye-glasses  so  ve  could  see  eferyding 
double  und  try  to  get  our  money's 
vorth  at  Atlantic  City. 

Much  could  be  said  abouid  der  sights 
ve  saw,  und  some  day  ven  my  pocket- 
book  loses  its  hectic  flush  mebbe  I  vill 
say  it,  but  not  now,  Looey ;  not  now. 

Among  some  of  der  eggscitement 
vich  your  mother  dragged  me  into  vas 
a  very  svell  ball  vich  vas  gifen  on  vun 
of  der  piers  ouid  ofer  der  boozum  of 
der  ocean. 

Smart  Setters  und  leaders  of  local 
Four  Hundreds  from  Plainfield,  N.  J.; 
Dover,  Del. ;  East  Saginaw,  Mich. ;  Eau 

89 


DINKELSPIEL'S    LETTERS    TO    LOQEY 

Claire,  Wis.;  Havre  de  Grace,  Md. ; 
Painted  Post,  N.  Y. ;  Kalamazoo, 
Mich.,  und  udder  spots  on  der  map  vas 
present  in  large  numbers,  und  diamond 
tararas  burst  fort'  from  chentle  boozums 
mit  all  der  eggscitement  und  glitter  of 
a  gas  bill. 

Nefer  before  dit  I  see  such  a  vunder- 
ful  collection  of  fair  vimmens,  dressed 
mit  all  der  stylishness  dot  money  can 
buy,  und  brafe  men  vich  vas  der  very 
fountain  heads  of  svell  society. 

I  hat  often  noticed  dot  der  easiest  vay 
to  become  a  famousness  is  to  plaster 
der  hair  down  tight  ofer  a  qvick  fore- 
head, peel  der  coat  sleeves  back  so  der 
vite  cuffs  vill  show,  den  smile  loosely 
und  enter  society. 

I  vould  like  to  mention  der  names  of 
a  few  of  dose  I  met  at  dis  ocean  Ball, 
fund  vot  dey  vore,  yust  to  show  you, 
Looey,  dot  my  powers  of  opservation- 
ment  vas  no  slouch,  alretty. 

Among  der  Smart  Setters  mit  vich 
we  minkled  vas  dese,  as  following: 
Mr.  und  Mrs.  Leopold  Pigglesouse, 
Mr.  und  Mrs.  Heiney  Ganderkurds, 
Und  deir  daughter,  Concertina ;  Mr.  und 
Mrs.  Beanlifter,  und  deir  son,  Pinochle ; 
Mr.  und  Mrs.  Gust  Schmittpiggle,  und 

70 


DINKELSPIEL'S     LETTERS    TO     LOOEY 

deir  two  daughters,  Panatella  und  Per- 
fect©; Mr.  und  Mrs.  Oscar  Hoffbrew, 
und  deir  niece,  Mercedes  Cauliflower, 
und  many  udders  too  notable  to  men- 
tion. 

Mrs.  Pigglesouse  vore  heavy  blue 
satin  appliqued  across  der  corsage  mit 
four  per  cent.  Gufferment  bonds  und 
trimmed  mit  vite  chiffon.  She  vore 
abouid  eight  volts  of  alternating  dia- 
monds. 

Mrs.  Ganderkurds  looked  lufHy  in  a 
creation  in  three  acts  literally  translated 
from  der  French  und  cut  bias  efery- 
vare  eggscept  der  bill.  She  vore 
enough  pearls  to  short-circuit  abouid 
nine  volts  of  diamonds. 

Miss  Concertina  Ganderkurds  vore  a 
charming  confectionery  of  taffy-col- 
ored bombasine  hand-painted  mit 
Standard  Oil  stock  across  der  bodice 
und  trimmed  mit  magenta  moire  an- 
tique mit  Colorado  madura  lace.  She 
vore  vun  arc  light  at  der  apex  of  der 
t'roat. 

Mrs.  Oscar  Hoffbrew  vore  a  home- 
made gown  of  purple  und  green  silk 
trimmed  mit  horseradish  chiffon  ofer  a 
corsage  of  chinchilla  welvet,  spangled 
mit  imitation  mixed  pickles.    Ofer  der 

71 


DINKELSPIEL'S    LETTERS    TO     LOOEY 

vishbone  she  vore  a  necklace  of  incan- 
descent diamonds  of  abouid  ten  am- 
peres. 

Miss  Panatella  Schmittpiggle  vore  a 
crepe  de  chene  bodice  mit  a  scrambled 
egg  eflfect  in  vite  tulle,  und  to  show  dot 
she  lived  in  Williamsburg,  und  vas 
proud  of  it,  she  had  der  skirt  trimmed 
mit  pink  transfers. 

Miss  Mercedes  Cauliflower  vore  a 
hand-stitched  gown  of  blue  corduroy 
cut  low  on  der  applique,  mit  a  Brussels 
sprouts  effect  on  der  bodice.  She  vore 
a  bunch  of  diamonds  on  der  chest,  vich 
vas  trained  to  gif  a  imitation  of  a  camp 
fire. 

Der  Ball  vas  a  big  success,  but  ve  left 
early  because.  Looey,  vot  is  der  use  to 
pay  fifteen  dollars  a  day  for  a  room  ven 
you  ain'd  in  it? 


72 


V. 

THE    WAY    A    KING    SHOULD 
REIGN. 

Home.     Now. 

MEIN  LIEBER  SON  LOOEY— 
Ve  haf  receifed  your  letter 
from  Harrisburg,  Pa.,  und 
your  mother  und  me  vas  glat  dot  pitz- 
ness  still  keeps  up  moneymakingly  on 
.der  road. 

I  notice  vot  you  say  in  your  letter 
abouid  meeting  a  Roosian  refugeezer 
in  Harrisburg. 

I  vas  glad  to  learn  dot  dis  political 
refugeezer  tolt  you  all  abouid  der  new 
Roosian  parliament  vich  is  called  der 
Duma,  in  honor  of  Alexander  Duma, 
und  also  abouid  der  members  of  parlia- 
ment, vich  vas  called  Dummies,  in  hon- 
or of  our  United  States  Senate. 

Der  next  time  you  meet  up  mit  dis 
Roosian  refugeezer,  I  vish  you  vould 
show  him  der  following  letter  vich  I 
wrote  to  der  Sar  of  all  der  Roosians 
some  time  ago. 

73 


DINKELSPIEL'S     LETTERS    TO     LOOEY 

Der  letter  has  nefer  been  answered, 
so  I  doan'd  know  vedder  dit  der  Sar 
get  it  or  vedder  it  go  to  some  station 
vare  dey  vas  holding  a  massacre,  und 
by  dis  means  get  in  der  dead-letter  of- 
fice. 

Anyvay,  I  vish,  Looey,  you  vould 
show  it  to  your  Roosian  friend,  der  po- 
litical refugeezer,  und  haf  him  tell  you 
vot  he  dinks  abouid  it. 

Dis  is  it,  yet : 

New  York.    Yesterday. 

Mein  Lieber  Sar  of  All  der  Roosians : 
Good  morning!  How  is  your  Duma 
dis  morning? 

I  haf  been  reading  in  der  cablegraphs 
all  abouid  der  meeting  of  your  new 
Parliament,  und  vile  I  can,  mithouid 
any  inconveniencys,  conceal  my  admi- 
ration for  its  christening  name,  still  I 
dink  der  idea  a  goot  vun. 

You  know  der  olt  proverb,  Nicholas, 
"Better  late  den  seldom." 
-  Vy  do  dey  call  it  der  Duma,  Nicho- 
las? 

Is  dis  a  nickname  gifen  by  you,  Nick? 

I  fear  me  not,  Nicholas,  because  from 
der  vay  I  size  up  der  sitivation  in  St. 
Petersburg  der  truth  is  dot  der  Leedle 
Father  vas  crawling  a  leedle   farther 

74 


DINKELSPIEL'S     LETTERS    TO     LOOEY 

into  der  tall  grass  efery  time  der  vord 
Liberty  vas  mentioned. 

Mein  lieber  Nick,  if  you  vas  a  fairst- 
class  Kink  vy  do  you  gif  such  a  good 
imitation  of  der  four-spot? 

My  idea  of  a  Kink  is  a  man  mit  a 
firm  und  unsquinchable  heart,  like  der 
conductor  of  a  street  car  vich  vorks 
ouid  in  der  darkness  all  alone  until  he 
gets  der  trolley  on  vunce  more  und  re- 
stores der  light  to  his  luffing  subjects. 

You  know,  Nicholas,  yust  because 
your  family  name  happens  to  be  Roam- 
ingoff  dot  is  no  goot  reason  vy  you 
should  pick  ouid  "Back  to  der  voods" 
to  be  your  vatchvord  venefer  a  crisis 
calls  you  up  on  der  tellyfone. 

Nick,  listen  a  leedle  by  your  olt  col- 
lege chump,  Dinky.  Gif  dem  bum  rel- 
atives of  yours  der  frozen  eye,  und 
make  dem  all  go  to  vork  for  a  living  in- 
stead of  sitting  around  der  dining-room 
at  der  Palace  hanging  medals  on  deir 
boozums  for  breaking  der  vorld's  long- 
distance record  in  der  matter  of  eating 
caviare  samviches. 

Do  a  Siberian  side-step  avay  from 
der  Grand  Dooks,  Nickie,  und  listen  a 
leedle  to  Vox  Populi. 

After  all  vas  said  und  done,  Nick,  it 

75 


DINKELSPIEL'S    LETTERS    TO    LOOEY 

vas  olt  Vox  Populi  dot  has  to  dig  down 
in  der  jeans  ven  your  salary  days  rolls 
around,  und  if  you  keep  on  gifing  him 
der  royal  elbow,  sooner  or  later  Vox 
vill  step  up  to  der  feet  of  der  throne 
und  hand  you  a  complete  lesson  in  Jap- 
anese Jewish  jitsu. 

My  idea  of  a  Kink  is  to  see  him  on 
der  throne,  mit  der  skepter  in  his  right 
hand,  mit  der  crown  hanging  rakishly 
ofer  der  left  ear,  mit  a  sveet  smile  on 
der  Kinkly  lips  und  luff  und  compas- 
sion in  der  Kinkly  heart  for  eferybody 
in  der  vorld  eggscept  der  dramatic  crit- 
ics. 

It  vas  impossible  for  me  to  imagine  a 
real  Kink  mit  a  red  sveater  ofer  his 
embonpoint  und  mit  ball-bearing  snow- 
shoes  on  der  feets  hiking  down  der 
Neva  Prospeckt  Parkski,  on  und  avay 
und  avay  across  der  barren  steppes,  yust 
because  Tomovitch  Smithski  und  Pe- 
teski  Jonesoff  called  at  der  family  en- 
trance to  der  Palace  to  present  His 
Metchesty  mit  a  kick  against  der  gas 
company. 

Remember,  Nick,  vot  it  says  in  der 
olt  Greek  proverb,  "A  Kink  in  der 
throne  is  vorth  two  in  der  cellar,"  so 


DINKELSPIEL'8    LETTERS    TO     LOOEY 

come  on  ouid  und  begin  to  cut  a  leedle 
ice. 

Go  on  down  to  der  morning  session 
of  der  Duma  und  let  Senator  Tillmano- 
vitch  call  you  a  liar  in  der  goot  olt 
Democratic  vay. 

If  you  treat  your  luffing  subjects  mit 
consideration,  Nick,  dey  vill  soon  learn 
not  to  try  to  treat  you  mit  dynamite 
efery  time  your  buckboardski  appears 
on  der  Speedvayovitch. 

If  you  lead  dem  ofer  to  der  chentle 
paths  of  fair  play,  der  bushy-viskered 
brigade  vill  not  be  so  eager  to  lead  you 
ofer  to  der  third  rail  und  set  fire  to 
your  spark  arrester. 

Der  poet  vas  right,  Nick,  ven  he  set 
it,  "Kind  hearts  vas  more  den  coroners, 
und  simple  faith  den  drawing  blood." 

You  cannot  eggspectation  your  luff- 
ing subjects  to  be  full  mit  enthusinism 
ofer  your  Kinkly  firevorks  und  shout 
^'Sissovitch !  Boomovitch !  Ahski !" 
vile  a  red-viskered  Cossack  is  picking 
flaws  in  deir  short  ribs  mit  a  bayonet. 

A  Kink  mit  a  perpetual  grouch  soon 
finds  himself  in  der  discard,  but  a  Kink 
mit  a  glat  heart  is  aces. 

Dink  it  ofer,  Nick,  und  write  me  ven 
you  get  near  a  post  office. 

77 


DINKELSPIEL'S     LETTERS    TO     LOOEY 

Please,  Looey,  ven  you  see  your 
friend,  der  Roosian  refugeezer,  ask  him 
vy  der  Sar  doan'd  answer  my  letter. 

Ve  vas  glat  dot  you  vas  doing  so 
veil  on  der  road  mit  your  drummering 
pitzness,  und  I  hope  dese  lines  vill  find 
you  enchoying  many  such  blessings  as 
hidderto. 

Ve  vas  all  veil  at  home  mit  der  eggs- 
ception  dot  your  mother  has  fallen  a 
wictim  of  der  fanatic  spelling. 

For  veeks  und  veeks  she  has  been 
reading  in  der  newspapers  about  dis 
terrible  disease,  und  day  before  yester- 
day she  threw  up  both  hands  und  com- 
plained of  a  pain  in  her  syllables. 

Der  disease  den  attacked  her  adjec- 
tifs,  und  an  hour  later  she  vas  down  und 
ouid  mit  congestion  of  der  adverbs,  vile 
her  syntax  seemed  to  be  suffering  mit 
a  high  fever. 

You  know,  Looey,  your  mother  has 
a  very  artistic  temperature  vich  makes 
her  eggstremely  perceptible  to  dese 
modern  diseases. 

I  see  by  your  letter,  Looey,  dot  you 
haf  not  yet  been  wictimized  by  dis  fa- 
natic spelling,  eggscept  in  der  case  of 
a  big  vord  ven  you  meet  it  suddenly. 

But  efer  since  you  vas  a  leedle  fellow 

78 


DINKELSPIEL'S    LETTERS    TO     LOOEY 

at  school,  Looey,  I  haf  alvays  noticed 
dot  you  vould  insult  a  big  vord  und 
treat  it  like  a  fanatic. 

Howefer,  ve  vill  let  bygones  be  has 
beens  und  return  to  der  supcheckt  of 
fanatic  spelling,  vich  is  now  der  loosest 
topic  of  conversationing  in  der  news- 
papers at  der  present  moment,  yet. 

Andrew  Carnegie,  der  Hoot  Mon,  is 
der  papa  of  fanatic  spelling. 

Und  dis  is  how  it  came  abouid :  An- 
drew vas  sitting  at  his  desk  vun  day, 
feeling  at  peace  mit  all  der  vorld  eggs- 
cept  a  small  town  in  Indiana  vich  hat 
refused  vun  of  his  libraries. 

"Vot  could  I  do  to  make  der  vorld 
happier,  I  vunder?"  soliquidized  An- 
drew, ven  yust  den  his  secretary  valked 
in  und  set :  "Excoos  me,  Andy,  but  in 
dot  letter  you  yust  dictationed  how 
should  I  spell  der  vord  flivver?" 

"Der  k  is  silent,"  eggsplained  An- 
drew, lighting  his  seegar  mit  eggstreme 
carelessfulness. 

"Pardon,  Andy,"  der  secretary  in- 
sistified,  "but  how  could  der  pronoun 
flivver  contain  der  vowel  k,  please  ?" 

"According  to  der  rule  of  der  hy- 
pothenuse  vich  silences  any  letter  be- 


DINKELSPIEL'S     LETTERS    TO     LOOEY 

ginning  mit  a  dipthong,"  eggsplained 
Andrew,  smiling  beardedly. 

"Ah!"  set  der  secretary;  "quite  so; 
but  I  vas  using  der  vord  flivver  in  its 
financial  sense.  I  vish  to  call  your  at- 
tention to  der  fact  dot  two  V's  vas  equal 
to  a  ten-spot;  so  I  ask  you,  vy  should 
ve  be  so  eggstravagant  ?" 

"Your  economy  t'rills  me,"  set  An- 
drew; "spell  der  vord  flivver  mit  vun  v 
und  put  der  udder  v  back  in  der  safe. 
Because  I  haf  many  v's  is  no  reason  I 
should  be  a  spendtrift.  Der  vord  fliv- 
ver mit  one  v,  please !" 

Und  dus,  Looey,  vas  started  der  idea 
of  fanatic  spelling,  und  dis  same  fanatic 
spelling  has  now  cast  its  bitter  spell 
ofer  your  mother. 

She  wrote  a  note  last  week  to  Mrs. 
Bauerschmidt,  asking  her  to  come  to 
dinner  vun  efening  ven  I  vas  avay,  but 
dare  vas  so  much  fanatic  spelling  in  it 
dot  Mrs.  Bauerschmidt  came  to  break- 
fast on  Monday  und  stayed  until  last 
Vednesday  efening. 

Your  mother  also  wrote  a  fanatic 
spelling  letter  to  der  plumber  to  ask 
him  to  fix  der  sink  in  der  kitchen,  und 
ven  der  plumber  read  it  he  t'ought  ve 
vas  making  fun  of  him  und  lemonizing 

80 


"rOCR  ECONOMY  T'RILLS  ME,"  SET  ANDREW;  "SPELL  DER 
VORD  FLIVVER  MIT  VUN  V  UND  Pl'T  DER  UDDER  V  BACK 
IN   DER   SAFE." 

Page  80. 


DINKELSPIEL'S     LETTERS    TO     LOOEY 

him  abouid  his  loose  education,  so  he 
grabbed  a  hatchet  und  a  piece  of  lead 
pipe  und  spoiled  sigsty  dollars'  vorth 
of  our  furniture  before  ve  could  eggs- 
plaination  our  innocence. 

I  dink  in  my  heart,  Looey,  dot  fa- 
natic spelling  vas  a  goot  idea  for  dose 
vich  haf  chills  und  fever  efery  time  dey 
meet  a  long,  busy  vord. 

But  to  a  goot  speller  like  myself  nud- 
dings  looks  so  veil  as  English  pure  and 
undefied. 

We  notice  in  your  letter  vare  you  ob- 
serf  dot  you  haf  formally  opened  der 
t'eatrical  season  of  dis  year  by  venting 
to  see  a  play  called  "Uncle  Tom's  Cab- 
in," vich  you  vitnessed  for  der  fairst 
time. 

It  is  a  nice  idea.  Looey,  to  go  to  der 
t'eater  und  get  eggsercise  for  der  men- 
talities, eggspecially  der  vorks  of 
Shakespeare  such  as  dis  "Uncle  Tom's 
Cabin,"  vich  you  mention. 

For  many  yars  I  haf  not  vitnessed 
"Uncle  Tom's  Cabin,"  but  as  I  recollec- 
tion it  now  it  vas  a  play  full  mit  a  hap- 
py combination  of  tears,  pat'os,  laugh- 
ter und  misplaced  ferry  tickets. 

Your  mother  spoke  to  me  abouid  it, 
dit  I  efer  see  der  play,  und  she  vas 

81 


DINKELSPIEL'S    LETTERS    TO    LOOEY 

much  obliged  ven  I  recitationed  to  her 
all  dot  I  could  remembrance  abouid  it. 

I  enclose  to  you  my  memory  of  "Un- 
cle Tom's  Cabin"  in  dese  vords,  as  fol- 
lowing, to  vit,  Looey : 

ACT  FAIRST. 

Der  scene  baffles  my  description,  so 
der  act  vill  haf  to  begin  mit  der  speech- 
ifiers. 

"Uncle  Tom!" 

"Veil,  leedle  Eva,  vot  is  it,  yes !" 

"Vas  dare  any  vun  night  stands  in 
heafen,  Uncle  Tom?" 

"Not  yet,  because  only  veek-stand 
actors  efer  get  dare!" 

"Uncle  Tom !" 

"Veil,  leedle  Eva,  vot  is  it,  yes  I" 

"Haf  you  counted  der  house  ?" 

"Not  yet,  but  I  vill — ein,  zwei,  drei, 
vier,  funf,  sechs — das  ist  alles !" 

"Uncle  Tom!" 

"Veil,  leedle  Eva,  vot  is  it,  yes !" 

"Is  it  only  sigs  audiences  in  der  house 
to-night?" 

"Only  und  less,  because  two  is  not 
audiences.  Dey  vas  criticals,  und  dey 
came  in  on  passes." 

"Vich  leaves  but  four  audiences,  und 
vot  is  der  scales  on  der  prices  ?" 

82 


DINKELSPIEL'S     LETTERS    TO     LOOEY 

"Ten-twen-thirt,  leedle  Eva !" 

Den  der  orchestra  gets  up  und  he 

plays  a  cubble  of  slow  chords. 

Der  moonlight  blisters  der  outside  of 

der  Ohio  River  und  makes  a  climax. 

ACT  SECOND. 

"Uncle  Tom !" 

"Veil,  leedle  Eva,  vot  is  it,  yes?" 

"Let  us  hope  dey  vent  der  limit  und 
paid  thirty  cents  vich  g^fs  us  $1.20, 
yes !" 

"You  forget  der  house  gets  a  rake- 
off!" 

"Vot  vill  ve  get  ouid  of  it,  Uncle 
Tom?" 

"I  luff  you  too  veil,  leedle  Eva,  to 
mention  such  a  sour  sum  of  money." 

"Uncle  Tom!" 

"Veil,  leedle  Eva,  vot  is  it,  yes !" 

"Vot  is  a  shine  ?" 

"A  shine,  leedle  Eva,  is  a  large  audi- 
ence vich  remains  avay  from  der  thea- 
ter !" 

"Nefer  mind,  Uncle  Tom ;  ve  can  go 
in  der  fruit  pitzness  if  dey  hand  us 
enough  lemons !" 

Der  two  bleedhounds  now  approach 
der  property  man  near  der  calf  of  der 
leg,  vich  makes  a  climax. 

83 


DINKELSPIEL'S     LETTERS    TO     LOOEY 

ACT  THIRD. 

"Stood  back,  Simon  Legree!" 

"Dis,  tome?" 

"You  may  vip  dis  olt  black  skin,  but 
my  heart  is  more  vhite  den  yours,  Si- 
mon Legree!" 

"It  should  be — you  hat  a  glass  of 
milk  for  dinner !" 

"Simon,  cease  to  vhip  me  vile  I  ask 
you,  vare  do  ve  go  from  here?" 

"If  I  vas  a  mind-reader  I  would  not 
be  in  dis  pitzness,  Uncle  Tom !" 

Den  Eliza  rushes  into  der  Ohio  River 
und  starts  for  der  udder  shore,  but  der 
ice  is  nailed  to  der  floor  und  refuses  to 
be  a  ferry-boat.    Dis  makes  a  climax. 

ACT  FOUR. 

"Uncle  Tom  r 

"Veil,  leedle  Eva,  vot  is  it,  yes?" 

"Vas  dere  a  bad  place  to  vent  to  ven 
ve  die?" 

"Belief  me,  dare  is,  leedle  Eva,  but 
it  is  closed  during  der  t'eatrical  sea- 
son." 

"Vy,  Uncle  Tom?" 

"So  dot  der  party  dot  runs  it  can 


DINKELSPIEL'S     LETTERS    TO     LOOEY 

took  a  trip  around  der  vun-night  stands 
und  get  some  new  ideas  how  to  make  it 
hot  for  us." 

"Uncle  Tom!" 

"Veil,  leedle  Eva,  vot  is  it,  yes  ?" 

"I  dink  I  hear  der  bleedhounds  bay- 
ing. " 
mg. 

"No,  leedle  Eva,  it  is  not  so  much 
baying  as  it  is  indichestion.  Der  bleed- 
hounds  haf  yust  eaten  up  der  scenery 
for  der  last  act." 

Den  der  manager  steps  ouid  und  in- 
formations der  audience  dot  der  dogs 
haf  consolidated  mit  der  scenery.  If 
der  audience  vants  its  money  back  dey 
can  get  it  from  der  bleedhounds,  vich 
vill  be  untied.  Dis  makes  der  most 
t'rilling  climax  of  der  show,  und  der 
audience  falls  ouid  der  vindow  und  goes 
home,  eggscited,  but  happy. 

(CURTAIN.) 

Vas  dis  anyding  like  der  vay  dey 
played  it,  Looey? 

Maybe  it  is  dot  my  memory  is  getting 
deflective,  yet. 

You  know.  Looey,  ven  Shakespeare 
fairst  adaptationed  "Uncle  Tom's  Cab- 
in" from  der  French,  it  vas  his  idea  to 
play  it  only  in  der  large  cities. 


1 

DINKELSPIEL'S     LETTERS    TO     LOOEY 

But  Shakespeare  dit  not  lif  long 
enough  to  protect  his  vork  by  der  copy- 
right law,  und  here  ve  see  it,  going  to 
der  dogs,  scene  by  scene,  und  climax  by 
cHmax. 

Alas!  ven  der  finish  comes  ve  may 
eggsclaim  mit  dis  same  poet,  "A  nose 
by  any  udder  name  vill  vin  a  horse 
race." 

Ve  vas  enchoying  nice  healt'  at  home, 
mit  der  eggception  dot  your  mother  is 
der  wictim  of  an  attack  of  obesity  in 
her  avoirdupause. 

Some  kind  friend  told  your  mother 
dot  obesity  in  der  avoirdupause  is  easy 
to  cure  if  you  go  abouid  it  right,  und 
dot  no  voman  need  go  through  dis  vorld 
leading  a  double  chin. 

Veil,  Looey,  your  mother  vent  after 
dot  obesity  in  her  avoirdupause,  und 
for  a  veek  our  vunce  peaceful  home 
has  looked  like  der  orichinal  rough 
house. 

Fairst,  Mrs.  Bauerschmidt,  vich 
Veighs  abouid  231,  tolt  your  mother  dot 
she  kept  her  veight  down  mit  eggser- 
cise,  so  I  hat  to  rush  to  der  store  und 
buy  a  rowing  machine,  a  cubble  of  In- 
chun  clubs,  und  a  bunch  of  deaf  und 
dumb  bells. 

86 


PINKELSPIEL'S    LETTERS    TO     LOOEY 

Der  next  morning,  abouid  five  o'clock 
in  der  daylight,  your  mother  chumped 
on  board  der  rowing  machine  urid  twre 
avay  to  der  northvest,  mit  a  strong  ebb 
tide  on  der  port  bow. 

She  was  abouid  four  miles  up  der 
river  und  going  hard  ven  a  strap  broke, 
und  your  mother  vent  oferboard  mit  a 
splash  dot  upset  most  of  der  furniture 
in  der  room  und  knocked  der  manicure 
set  down  behind  der  bureau. 

Vun  of  der  oars  vent  up  in  der  air 
und  landed  on  der  bridge  of  my  nose, 
because  my  face  happened  to  be  in  der 
vay  ven  der  oar  came  down. 

Ven  luffing  hands  pulled  your  mother 
ouid  of  der  interior  of  a  rocking  chair 
ve  found  dot,  mit  der  help  of  der  row- 
ing machine,  she  hat  lost  nearly  two 
pounds  of  obesity,  mostly  off  der  end 
of  her  elbow. 

Der  next  day  Mrs.  Schmalz,  vich 
veighs  abouid  246,  tolt  your  mother  dot 
she  vas  not  using  der  best  kind  of  phys- 
ical torture,  so  I  vent  to  der  store  und 
bought  her  vun  of  dose  rubber  machin- 
eries vich  fastens  on  der  vail  und  you 
pull  it  mit  handles. 

Bright  und  early  der  next  morning 
your  mother  grabbed  der  handles  und 

87 


OINKELSPIEL'S     LETTERS    TO     LOOEY 

vas  getting  avay  from  her  obesity  at  der 
rate  of  an  ounce  an  hour,  ven  suttently 
vun  of  der  rubber  strings  broke  und 
someding  kicked  your  mother  just  vare 
a  goot  singer  gets  der  coloratura. 

Ven  your  mother  fell  vounded  on  der 
field  of  battle  efery  picture  on  der  vails 
fell  mit  her,  und  dare  vas  such  a  crash 
dot  der  cook  thought  der  end  of  der 
vorld  vas  cameing,  so  she  ran  scream- 
ing in  der  direction  of  Paterson,  New 
Chersey. 

A  dash  of  cold  vater  on  der  features 
of  her  face  brought  your  mother  to,  und 
she  found  dot  all  she  hat  lost  by  dis 
process  vas  her  breath  und  a  cubble  of 
side  combs  for  der  hair. 

Mrs.  Grossmeyer  dropped  in  dot  day 
und  tolt  your  mother  dot  der  only  goot 
vay  to  reduce  der  obesity  of  der  avoir- 
dupause  vas  to  took  a  long  valk,  so 
your  mother  picked  ouid  a  long  valk 
und  took  it. 

After  she  vas  gone  abouid  sigs  hours 
und  it  vas  getting  dark  she  called  me 
up  on  der  large-distance  telephone  und 
broke  der  news  to  me  dot  she  hat 
valked  abouid  fifteen  miles  und  hat 
been  so  eggstravagant  dot  she  hat  used 
up  all  der  valkability  und  she  vould  haf 


DINKELSPIEL'8     LETTERS    TO     LOOEY 

to  Stay  dare  in  a  foreign  land  alone  und 
among  udder  strangers  unless  I  sent  a 
cab  for  her. 

Ven  your  mother  got  home  dot  night 
she  found  dot  all  der  obesity  she  hat 
lost  vas  her  pocketbook  mit  ten  dollars 
in  it,  und  I  lost  abouid  ten  dollars  for 
der  cab  hire,  making  a  total  of  four 
pounds,  English  money. 

A  day  or  two  later  Mrs.  Weinberg, 
der  vife  of  Gus  Weinberg,  der  moosical 
plumber,  tolt  your  mother  dot  der  only 
sure  cure  for  obesity  und  fatty  regen- 
eration vas  to  took  electric  baths,  so  ve 
hat  vun  rigged  up  vich  vas  a  great 
shock  to  my  pocketbook. 

Der  fairst  morning  your  mother  vent 
inside  of  der  framevork  und  sat  among 
der  electric  lamps  mit  only  her  head 
ouid  in  der  atmosphere  for  abouid  two 
hours.  Den  she  came  ouid  smiling  und 
set  she  felt  fine,  und  dot  she  must  haf 
lost  abouid  ten  pounds.  I  peeped  in- 
side to  look  der  bath  ofer,  und  found 
dot  she  hat  forgot  to  turn  der  current 
on. 

Next  morning  ven  she  vent  after  der 
electric  bath  I  turned  der  current  on 
myself  to  make  it  sure,  und  ven  your 
mother  stepped  in  it  she  eggscidently 


DINKELSPIEL'8     LETTERS    TO     LOOEY 

put  her  foot  on  an  ohm  or  someding 
vich  tickled  her  so  dot  she  let  a  yell 
ouid  vich  froze  der  bleed  in  my  weins. 

Den  she  put  der  udder  foot  down, 
und  dot  landed  on  a  volt  or  an  ampere 
or  some  foolish  ding  vich  caused  your 
mother  to  become  a  short  circuit. 

Looey,  she  vas  der  shortest  circuit 
you  efer  vitnessed! 

For  a  cubble  of  minutes  dot  room 
looked  like  a  thunder  storm,  mit  your 
mother  playing  der  thunder. 

Van  I  got  der  current  turned  off  und 
all  der  live  wires  ouid  of  her  hair  she 
became  coUapseable  on  der  sofa  und 
she  eggsclaimed:  "Take  it  avay!  take 
it  avay !  Now  I  know  vot  a  hard  life 
der  third  rail  must  lead !" 

I  dink  der  electricsissity  has  cured 
your  mother.  Looey,  und  hereafter  she 
vill  be  satisfied  to  go  through  life  lead- 
ing der  double  chin  as  Nature  inten- 
tioned. 

I  vas  to-day  looking  ofer  dot  book 
vich  you  gafe  to  leedle  Max  for  his  last 
Christmas  stockings,  vich  is  called 
"Mother  Geese." 

You  know,  Looey,  books  haf  a  great 
mysteriousness  abouid  dem,  doan'd  dey, 
Looey? 

90 


DINKELSPIEL'S     LETTERS    TO     LOOEY 

Took  dis  "Mother  Geese,"  for  an  in- 
stance. Here  is  a  book  full  mit  nud- 
dings  but  nonsense,  und  yet  it  has  lived, 
yile  a  million  sensible  books  haf  died. 

Here  is  a  book  mitouid  a  plot  und 
mitouid  a  author,  und  yet  it  has  been 
a  success,  vile  plenty  of  books  mit  two 
plots  und  two  authors  hafen't  made 
enough  money  to  buy  a  ham  samvich. 

Here  is  a  book  mit  such  bum  rhym- 
ings  und  bad  poetry  in  it  dot  it  must 
haf  been  made  py  a  song  writer,  und 
yet  der  name  lives  to-day  in  many  a 
household,  vare  Goethe  ain'd  on  der 
wisiting  list,  und  Lord  Byron  vould  get 
der  door  slammed  in  his  face. 

It  seems  too  bad.  Looey,  ven  a  book 
is  such  a  success  as  "Mother  Geese" 
dot  it  ain'd  got  someding  in  it  vich 
vould  listen  veil  to  der  grown-uppers 
in  dis  day  und  cheneration. 

If  der  anominous  author  of  "Mother 
Geese"  hat  a  gas  bill  come  in  vun  efe- 
ning  yust  as  he  sat  down  to  slice  off  a 
few  slivers  from  his  immortal  cheese, 
yust  dink  vot  a  difference  it  vould  haf 
tnade  to  posterity,  yet. 

Ve  vould  read  it  den  in  "Mother 
Geese"  something  like  dis,  Looey: 

91 


DINKELSPIEL'S    LETTERS    TO     LOOEY 

Sing  a  song  of  suffocate, 

Gas  has  took  a  sneak, 
Plumbers  in  der  cellar  now 

Looking  for  der  leak. 
Sister's  gone  for  der  police, 

Brother's  took  a  trip; 
Cook  is  in  der  kitchen  yet, 

Packing  up  her  grip; 
Mama's  fainted  mit  her  head 

On  der  vindoiv  sill; 
Papa's  in  der  drawing-room 

Fighting  mit  der  bill. 

You  see  it,  Looey,  here  is  der  idea  of 
combinationing  pitzness  mit  pleasure, 
vich  der  anominous  author  of  "Mother 
Geese"  nefer  t'ought  of,  alretty.  Den, 
mit  tears  on  his  cheeks,  he  vould  look 
at  der  gas  bill  again,  und  dis  vould  be 
der  result: 

Leedle  Chock  Horner 

Sat  py  der  corner 
Vatching  der  meter  go  round! 

He  eggsclmmed  mit  a  squeak, 

"Dis  gas  it  vas  veak 
But  der  price  has  a  very  loud  sound!" 

Can  you  see  him,  Looey,  his  eyes  mit 
a  fine  frenchy  rolling,  vile  he  takes  an- 
nuder  peep  at  dot  hated  bill,  und  den 
bursts  forth  in  song  again  like  dis : 

92 


DINKELSPIEL'S    LETTERS    TO     LOOEY 

Chack  und  Chill 

Vent  up  der  hill 

To  get  a  tallow  candle, 

Because  der  hill 

For  gas  vas  still 

Too  large  for  dent  to  handle! 

Den,  Looey,  can  you  see  der  anomi- 

nous  author  of  "Mother  Geese,"  ven, 

after  hurling  dot  gas  bill   across   der 

room,  he  grabbed  his  pencil  und  paper 

und  committed  dese  lines  to  nefer-dy- 

ing  fame : 

Old  Mother  Hubbard 
She  vent  py  der  cubboard 

To  get  her  poor  doggie  a  bone; 
Der  gas  meter  dare 
Vas  asleep  in  its  lair, 

Und  der  doggie  he  started  it  goin*. 
Old  Mother  Hubbard 
She  flew  from  der  cubboard 

Mit  fright  und  mit  anger  as  veil; 
Vile  der  meter  smoked  up 
At  der  hark  of  der  pup — 

Und  so  der  poor  doggie  got  der  deifel! 

Ach,  veil.  Looey,  vot  is  der  use! 
"Avay,  avay,  mit  vain  aigrettes !"  as 
der  bird  set  ven  it  lost  its  tail-fedders. 

Kind  regards  to  Chon  Drew  vich 
likes  dis  leedle  choke,  yet. 


98 


VI. 

THE    GRAND    OLD    GAME    OF 
DRAW. 

Home.     To-day. 

MEIN  LIEBER  SON  LOOEY— 
I  haf  receifed  your  letter  from 
Chinchinnatti  vich  informa- 
tions me  dot  you  stayed  up  all  night 
T'ursday  playing  poker  und  only  lost 
a  dollar  sigsty. 

If  you  hat  to  play  poker,  Looey,  I 
am  glad  dot  you  stayed  up  all  night  at 
it.  Ven  you  fairst  mentioned  der  vord 
in  your  letter  I  vas  afraid  to  read 
furder  for  fear  I  vould  see  it  dot  at  12 
o'clock  you  got  a  kink  in  your  instep 
und  quit  four  dollars  vinner. 

If  you  play  der  game  play  it  like  a 
sport,  Looey,  und  vear  ofershoes  to 
keep  your  feets  varm. 

To  me.  Looey,  nuddings  vas  so  dis- 
gusting as  der  poker  player  dot  gets 
der  congestion  of  der  ankles  efery  time 

he  vins  two  dollars  ofer  his  car  fare. 
94 


DINKELSPIEL'S    LETTERS    TO     LOOEY 

Poker  players  vas  divided  into  two 
classes,  Looey,  der  Companions  of  der 
Cold  Feets,  und  der  Leedle  Brothers 
of  der  Boost. 

Der  Companions  of  der  Cold  Feets 
make  der  most  money;  but  der  Leedle 
Brothers  of  der  Boost  haf  all  der  fun ; 
und  dis  is  a  pretty  tough  old  vorld  if 
ve  doan'd  haf  a  leedle  fun  mit  each  ud- 
der, ain'd  it,  Looey? 

For  instant.  Looey,  took  your  Uncle 
Oscar  Schmittberger.  He  is  vun  of 
der  Companions  of  der  Cold  Feets. 

Uncle  Oscar  nefer  sat  in  a  game  of 
poker  in  his  life  mitouid  being  prepared 
to  haf  pneumonia  in  both  heels  der  mo- 
ment he  vas  ahead  of  der  game  sigs 
dollars'  vorth. 

Uncle  Oscar  plays  dem  close  to  his 
appendicitis.  Looey,  und  efery  time  he 
fills  a  four-flush  he  feels  an  awful 
draught  on  der  floor. 

He  has  his  feets  so  veil  trained  dot 
efery  time  deir  owner  rakes  in  a  pot 
mit  eight  blue  checks  in  it  dey  gif  him 
der  ice-house  signal  to  cease  firing  und 
cash  in  before  der  bank  eggsplodes. 

Ve  hat  a  leedle  poker  party  at  home 
last  Monday  night,  und  for  seferal  days 


DINKELSPIEL'8    LETTERS    TO     LOOEY 

aftervards  ve  enchoyed  der  money  left 
mit  us  by  our  luffing  neighbors. 

Dare  vas  your  mother,  und  Uncle 
Oscar  und  his  vife,  und  Ludwig  Beer- 
haben  und  his  vife  und  Gust  Schmalz 
and  myself,  yet. 

Ludwig  is  a  charter  member  of  der 
Leedle  Brothers  of  der  Boost,  und  he 
can  laugh  louder  und  mean  it  ven  he 
loses  two  dollars  den  any  man  I  efer 
met. 

But  Ludwigfs  wife  is  der  corre- 
sponding secretary  in  der  Woman's 
Annex  to  der  Companions  of  der  Cold 
Feets. 

She  runs  your  Uncle  Oscar  a  close 
second  for  getting  frappe  in  der  ped- 
als. 

Efery  time  Ludwig's  vife  is  sepa- 
rated from  fifty  cents  someding  in  her 
mind  seems  to  gif  avay  mit  a  crash. 

Ludwig's  vife  luffs  money  so  much 
dot  efery  time  she  bets  a  blue  chip  she 
shuts  her  eyes  und  pretends  it  vas  only 
a  vite  vun. 

Any  time  you  see  a  silver  dollar  mit 
all  der  tail-fedders  pulled  ouid  of  der 
eagle  you  can  bet  dot  bird  vunce  be- 
longed to  Ludwig's  vife  under  der  part- 
ing vas  a  bitter  vun. 

96 


DINKELSPIEL'S    LETTERS    TO     LOOEY 

Veil,  anyvay,  Looey,  I  opened  der 
fairst  chack-pot  last  Monday  efening 
und  eferybody  dropped  ouid  eggscept 
Ludwig's  vife  und  your  mother. 

You  know,  Looey,  I  like  your  moth- 
er. She  is  der  only  vife  I  efer  hat  und 
der  only  vun  I  efer  vish  to  haf,  und  so 
I  say  it  from  my  heart  dot  she  plays 
poker  like  a  Velch  rabbit,  vich  is  mit- 
ouid  form  und  full  of  dark  surprises. 

From  der  financial  point  of  view. 
Looey,  your  mother  is  der  best  fellow 
dot  efer  drew  cards,  but  mit  regards 
to  der  technicalities  of  der  game  she 
is  vot  der  ancient  Greeks  vould  call  a 
Patricia  Bolivar. 

Veil,  anyvay,  Looey,  to  make  a  long 
story  lose  its  cunning,  your  mother 
vaved  a  fond  farevell  after  losing  four 
dollars,  vich  vas  all  in  der  family  any- 
vay, but  Ludwig's  vife  bit  her  lips  und 
trailed  along  until  she  hat  sent  sefen  of 
Ludwig's  goot  dollars  to  der  Bad 
Lands,  den  she  called  me. 

Ven  I  laid  down  four  typewriters  she 
called  me  again,  but  I  vould  hate  to  tell 
you  how  und  vich. 

Nefer  before.  Looey,  in  der  history 
of  der  game  dit  vun  voman  get  so  mad 

97 


PINKELSPIEL'S     LETTERS    TO     LOOEV 

in  SO  many  different  places  at  der  same 
time. 

You  see.  Looey,  she  hat  four  deuces 
all  der  time  und  after  der  fairst  bet 
she  began  to  buy  a  new  dress.  After 
der  second  bet  she  hat  selectioned  der 
trimmings.  After  der  third  bet  she 
changed  der  material  und  took  some- 
ding  more  eggspensive.  After  der 
fourth  bet  she  decided  to  pick  ouid  a 
imported  dressmaker  on  Fifth  Afenue 
und  after  der  fifth  bet  she  felt  vealthy 
enough  to  go  dare  in  a  cab. 

Pretty  soon  came  der  awful  avaken- 
ing  und  she  hat  to  put  dot  dress  back 
in  der  store. 

I  doan'd  dink  Ludwig's  vife  vill  efer 
quite  recofer  from  der  shock.  She  vill 
be  a  saddened  voman  all  her  life  unless 
a  rich  relative  dies  somevare  und  leaves 
her  sefen  dollars. 

Und  to  make  matters  more  like  a 
life  insurance  inwestigation  abouid  ten 
minutes  later  Gust  Schmalz  stung  your 
Uncle  Oscar  for  five  dollars  and  sev- 
enty-five cents,  vich  caused  your  Uncle 
to  haf  an  internal  fit  vich  nearly  became 
epidimic  all  ofer  his  system. 

Und  dus  it  happened,  Looey,  dot  dese 
two  members  in  good  standing  in  der 

98 


DINKELSPIEL'S     LETTERS    TO     LOOEY 

ancient  order  of  der  Companions  of  der 
Cold  Feets  hat  to  sit  dare  all  der  efe- 
ning  und  play  dem  close  trying  to  get 
dare  money  back,  vich  dey  dittent. 

Der  mills  of  der  gods  grind  slow. 
Looey,  but  vunce  in  a  vile  dey  grind 
ouid  someding  vorth  vile. 

Play  poker,  if  you  must,  Looey,  but 
alvays  keep  your  rubbers  on. 

Dis  goes  fer  der  neck  as  veil  as  der 
feet. 

I  see  it  in  your  letter  vare  you  met 
up  mit  dot  young  fellow  Chilvio 
Heine,  und  played  pinochle  mit  him 
alretty. 

Chilvio's  pinochle  game  is  vot  is 
called  a  coaxer,  because  der  more  you 
play  mit  him  der  more  you  lose,  und 
der  more  you  lose  der  more  you  feel 
like  trying  to  vin  back  vot  you  lost  py 
losing  more  den  you  could  vin  if  you 
vun  ven  you  lost  instead  of  losing  so 
often  dot  ven  you  vin  sometimes  it  is 
so  seldom  dot  you  feel  like  you  haf  lost 
alvays. 

Ven  a  man  learns  der  game  of 
pinochle  so  veil  dot  he  can  meld  eighty 
Kings  mit  der  right  hand,  forty  Chacks 
mit  der  left  hand,  keep  der  score  mit 
his  left  foot  und  vissle  "Don't  Be  Vot 

99 


DINKELSPIEL'S     LETTERS    TO     LOOEY 

You  Ain't"  mit  his  teet',  all  at  vunce, 
den  I  say,  Bevarel 

Such  is  der  pinochleness  of  der  chent 
you  played  mit,  Looey. 

It  ain't  because  you  lost  der  eight 
dollars,  Looey,  because  mit  anybody 
dot  plays  mit  Chilvio  dot  vas  a  fore- 
gone confusion. 

But  it  is  because  you  belief  yourself 
to  be  a  fairst-class  pinochle  player, 
Looey,  ven  in  realities  your  mind  vas 
nuddings  but  a  cold  storage  place  to 
keep  der  frivolities  of  dis  vorld. 

To  be  a  goot  pinochle  player.  Looey, 
you  must  haf  a  mind  like  a  sponge. 

Your  memory,  Looey,  must  be  like 
a  porus  plaster  vich  absorbs  figures, 
und  your  heart  must  be  mitouid  mercy 
and  full  of  bitterness,  like  a  gateman 
on  der  Scrubvay. 

In  der  days  of  my  yout.  Looey,  I  vas 
connected  mit  der  reputation  of  being 
a  good  pinochleist,  but  in  dese  days 
der  march  of  progress  und  britch-vist 
has  oystersized  such  a  common  game 
as   pinochle. 

It  used  to  be  in  der  old  days,  Looey, 
dot  I  vould  valk  down  of  an  efening  to 
der  leedle  saloon  on  der  comer  und  sit 
at  der  leedle  round  table  mit  my  part- 

100 


DINKELSPIEL'S     LETTERS    TO     LOOEY 

ner  und  for  hours  ve  vould  shuffle  der 
greasy  cards  und  keep  der  score  on  a 
slate  mit  vite  chalk,  vile  all  around  us 
vould  float  der  perfume  from  der  pipe 
und  der  sawdust  on  der  floor,  und  der 
only  vord  dare  spoken  vas  der  whis- 
pered vord,  "Prosit!" 

In  dose  days,  Looey,  cards  vas  a 
recreation  for  der  men. 

In  dese  days,  Looey,  cards  is  a  occu- 
pation for  der  vimmen. 

In  der  old  days.  Looey,  to  pull  ouid 
a  pack  of  cards  in  der  sacred  presinks 
of  der  home  circle  und  play  for  stakes 
higher  den  sulphur  matches  or  a  horn 
button  vould  mean  dot  der  Deifel  vould 
be  tapping  at  der  vindow  pane  next 
minute,  und  all  concerned  vould  be 
candidates  for  a  choice  location  in  der 
bottomless  pit. 

But  in  dese  days,  Looey,  no  home  is 
complete  mitouid  a  britch-vist  factory 
in  der  parlor,  mit  printed  I.  O.  U.'s  on 
der  mantelpiece  und  a  list  of  preferred 
creditors  resting  on  der  self-made 
moosic  on  top  of  der  pianola. 

Der  sacred  presinks  of  der  home  cir- 
cle ain't  up  to  date  dese  days,  Looey, 
unless  Mama  und  der  t'ree  daughters 
entertain  at  britch  vunce  a  veek  und  set 

101 


DINKELSPIEL'S    LETTERS    TO    LOOEY 

Papa  back  abouid  $62,  not  inclusioning 
der  refreshments. 

Vunce  it  vas  in  der  olt  days,  Looey, 
dot  Mama  vould  entertain  vunce  a  veek 
und  der  vimmens  vould  all  sit  in  der 
parlor  und  svap  gossip  vile  dey  sewed 
undershirts  und  nighties  und  pajimmies 
und  udder  unforseen  garments  for  der 
heathen  in  der  Feechee  Islands. 

But  to-day,  Looey,  ven  Mama  sounds 
der  boogie  call  all  her  vimmen  friends 
rush  in  der  drawing-room  mit  a  check 
book  in  vun  hand,  a  britch  score  card 
in  der  udder  und  a  vild  desire  in  deir 
hearts  to  vin  from  each  udder  der  price 
of  a  trip  to  Europe. 

I  doan'd  know  vich  is  der  best  way 
to  entertain,  Looey,  but  I  dink  der  new 
vay  puts  a  lot  of  money  in  circulation 
ven  Papa  ain't  looking. 

In  dier  meantime,  Looey,  if  you  vish 
to  learn  der  game  of  pinochle  you 
should  teach  your  brain  to  become 
more  und  more  like  a  sponge. 

Ven  you  can  remember  vot  cards  vas 

played  ten  minutes  ago  und  vot  cards 

vill  likely  be  played  a  half  hour  from 

now,  den  you  can  tackle  Chilvio  again, 

and  mebbe  you  vill  vin  more  den  you 

lose  py  not  losing  someding  vich  you 
102 


DINKELSPIEL'S     LETTERS    TO     LOOEY 

could  haf  vun  py  playing  so  as  not  to 
lose  it. 

Ve  notice  vot  you  say  in  your  letter 
abouid  der  many  different  kinds  of 
street  cars  vich  you  meet  up  mit  in  your 
trafels,  but  I  dink  ve  haf  here  in  New 
York  a  bunch  of  street  cars  vich  for 
uncomfortableness  can  gif  any  ouidsid- 
ers  cards  und  spades  und  den  beat  dem 
ouid  by  a  four-flush. 

I  reference  to  dose  street  cars, 
Looey,  vich  vas  called  "Sqveezers." 

Our  "Sqveezer"  cars  consist  of  nine- 
ty people  trying  to  push  demselfs  into 
a  space  already  occupied  by  eighty-sigs 
peoples  vich  haf  paid  deir  fare  und 
sefen  children  vich  vas  under  age  vile 
der  conductor  is  present. 

Der  seats  in  der  "Sqveezers"  run 
sidevays ;  der  passengers  run  edgevays, 
und  der  life  insurance  agents  run  any 
old  vay  ven  dey  see  dese  cars  coming. 

Der  "Sqveezer"  is  der  best  chenteel 
imitation  of  a  rough-house  dot  you  efer 
vitnessed,  Looey. 

Ven  you  get  ouid  you  cannot  get  in, 
und  ven  you  get  in  you  cannot  get  ouid, 
because  you  hate  to  disturb  der  strange 
chentleman  dot  is  using  your  knee  to 
lean  ofer. 

103 


DINKELSPIEL'S     LETTERS    TO     LOOEY 

Between  der  seats  dare  is  a  space  of 
two  feets,  but  in  dot  space  you  vill  al- 
vays  find  four  feets  und  deir  owners, 
•unless  vun  of  dem  happens  to  haf  a 
vooden  leg. 

Unter  ortinary  circumstances  four 
into  two  doan'd  go,  but  ded  "Sqveezer" 
cars  defy  der  laws  of  gravitation, 

A  "Sqveezer"  car  conductor  can  put 
twenty-sigs  into  nine  unt  still  haf  four 
to  carry. 

You  know,  Looey,  ve  vas  a  very  nerf- 
ous  und  careless  peoples  here  in  dis 
city.  To  proof  how  careless  ve  vas  I 
vill  relate  der  instance  dot  Manhattan 
Island  is  called  after  a  cocktail. 

Dis  nerfousness  vas  our  undidding 
because  ve  vas  alvays  in  such  a  hurry 
to  get  somevare  dot  ve  vould  rather 
took  der  fairst  car  und  get  sqveezed 
into  flatness  den  vait  for  der  next  vich 
vould  likely  sqveeze  us  into  insensible- 
ness. 

Flatness  can  be  cured,  but  insensible- 
ness  vas  dangerous  mitouid  an  alarm 
clock. 

For  a  man  mit  a  small  dining-room 
der  "Sqveezer"  car  has  its  advantages, 
but  yen  a  stouid  man  rides  in  dem  he 


104 


DINKELSPIEL'S    LETTERS    TO    LOOEY 

finds  himself  supporting  a  lot  of 
strangers  he  nefer  met  before. 

Vun  morning  I  chumped  on  vun  of 
dose  "Sqveezers,"  feeling  yust  like  a 
zwei-year-olt,  full  of  healt'  und  der 
choy  of  lifing. 

During  der  fairst  sefen  blocks  t'ree 
men  fresh  from  a  distillery  grew  up  in 
front  of  me  und  removed  der  scenery. 

Vun  of  dem  hat  to  get  ouid  in  a  hur- 
ry, so  he  kicked  me  on  der  shins  to 
show  how  sorry  he  vas  to  leaf  me. 

Vun  of  der  udder  two  must  haf  been 
in  der  distillery  a  long  time,  because 
pretty  soon  he  neglected  to  use  his 
memory  und  sat  down  in  my  lap. 

Ven  I  remonsterated  mit  him  he  re- 
sponsed  dot  dis  is  a  free  country,  und 
if  he  vished  to  sit  down  I  hat  no  pitz- 
ness  to  stop  him. 

Den  his  friend  pulled  us  apart  und  I 
resumed  der  use  of  my  lap. 

During  der  next  tventy  blocks  I  hat 
vun  of  der  vorst  daylight  nightmares  I 
efer  rode  behind. 

Der  party  vich  hat  been  studying  der 
eggshibits  in  der  distillery  took  der  idea 
in  his  head  dot  my  foot  vas  der  loud 
pedal  on  a  piano  und  he  started  to  play 


10S 


DINKELSPIEL'S    LETTERS    TO    LOOEY 

"Die  Gotterdammerung"  from  Wag- 
ner. 

Dot  man  vas  such  a  hard  drinker  dot 
he  gafe  me  der  gout  yust  from  stooding 
on  my  feets. 

Den  I  chumped  off,  und  svore  off, 
tmd  svore  at,  und  valked  home. 

If  der  man  vot  inwentioned  der  idea 
of  stooding  up  between  der  seats  in  a 
"Sqveezer"  car  is  alive  he  should  haf 
a  medal. 

I  vould  villingly  wolunteer  to  be  der 
meddler  und  hand  him  vun. 

You  wrote  me  vunce  before,  Looey, 
abouid  vot  a  nice  idea  it  is  to  step  in  a 
clean  street  car  und  find  enough  room 
to  sit  down  midouid  getting  der  glance 
of  scorn  from  eighteen  strap-hangers 
und  a  fat  conductor. 

Such  is  an  idea  vich  ve  seldom  see 
in  New  York,  Looey,  because  ve  vas  a 
busy  peoples  here  und  ve  believe  dot  a 
strap  in  der  hand  is  vorth  two  on  der 
curbstone. 

It  ain'd  often  dot  I  drop  into  a  poet- 
ical, Looey,  but  after  I  chumped  off 
vun  of  dem  crowded  cars  der  udder 
night  I  felt  dot  I  must  get  some  re- 
wenge  for  der  vay  I  vas  obliterationed. 

Read  dese  werses  ofer  to  yourself, 
io« 


PINKELSPIEL'S     LETTERS    TO     LOOEY 

Looey,  some  day  ven  you  vas  smoothly 

street-earring  in  vun  of  dem  Vestern 

cities. 

Here  is  dem: 

T. 

Der  shades  of  night  vare  falling  fast 
As  tip  der  city's  street  dare  passed 
A  car  vich  bore  dis  strange  dewice 
"Der  puplic  it  doan'd  cut  no  ice! 
Moof  up  in  front!" 

II. 

Nine  fousand  souls  mitin  it  rode; 
Annuder  t'ousand  chained  der  load; 
Den  mit'  ten  t'ousand  souls  on  board 
Der  vide  conductor  vildly  roared: 
"Moof  up  in  front!" 

III. 

"Try  not  to  pass!"  an  olt  man  cried; 
"Get  off  my  feets!"  annuder  sighed; 
"Who  has  remoofed  my  breathe  from 

me?" 
A  lady  asked,  inkviringly. 
Moof  up  in  front! 

IV. 

"Conductor!"  set  a  lady  sveet, 
"Vy  do  you  stop  at  efery  street?'* 
"Ve  always  stop  ven  ve  was  full!" 
He  set,  und  gafe  der  bell  a  pull: 
Moof  up  in  front! 


107 


DINKELSPIEL'S     LETTERS    TO     LOOEY 
V. 

*'Vy  is  it  dot  an  empty  car 
Goes  much  und  many  miles  py  far 
Before  it  stops?"  der  lady  cried; 
Der  fat  conductor  yust  replied: 
"Moof  up  in  front!" 

VI. 

"My  healt',  my  veaW,  my  appetite 
Haf  gone!"  a  man  set  mit  a  fright. 
Der  fat  conductor  frowned  a  frown; 
"You  go  ctvay  hack  und  sit  down! 
Moof  up  in  front!" 

VII. 

"Oh!  pass  me,  please,  a  solid  strap; 
"Dis  vun  is  loose!"  observed  a  chap. 
Der  fat  conductor,  yiust  for  fun, 
Up  mit  his  fist  und  passed  him  vun-— 
Moof  up  in  front! 

VIII. 

Und  still  dey  came  py  t'ousands  till 
Dey  stood  up  on  der  inndozv  sill 
Der  fat  conductor  smiled  mit  glee; 
"Dare's  money  here  to-night  for  me— 
Moof  up   in  front!" 

IX. 

'Dey  skveesed  up  tight,  dey  skveesed  up 

Hat 
Till  no  vun  knew  vare  he  vas  at; 
As  milk  condensed  dey  stood,  each  man, 
Like  herrings  in  a  sardine  can — 
Moof  up  in  front! 

108 


DINKELSPIEL'S     LETTERS    TO     LOOEY 
X. 

Den  ven  der  rain  got  vet  und  poured 
Der  fat  conductor  sveetly  roared: 
"Dis  goes  no  furder  up!"  he  said, 
"Get  Quid  und  took  der  car  ahead — 
Moof  up  in  front!" 

You  speak  it  also  in  der  letter, 
Looey,  dot  your  firm  vill  spend  next 
year  someding  like  fife  hunnert  t'ou- 
sand  dollars  in  atwertising. 

Atwertising  is  der  incubator  vich 
hatches  der  golden  tg%,  Looey,  but  at 
der  same  time  I  hate  to  see  it  stuck, 
like  a  lot  of  second-hand  court  plaster, 
all  ofer  der  face  of  Nature. 

I  luff  to  read  der  atwertisements  in 
der  newspapers  und  der  magazines,  but 
I  also  luff  to  be  able  to  stop  reading 
dem  ven  der  supper  bell  rings,  vich  is 
not  der  case  dese  days  if  you  vas  trav- 
elling on  der  railroads. 

Nowadays  it  is,  Looey,  dot  someding 
vich  vunce  vas  a  beautiful  landscape 
has  been  eggschanged  for  a  board 
fence  vare  it  says :  "Eat  Eatem's  Eata- 
bility — Der  Most  Eatable  Eating  Efer 
Eated." 

I  dink  der  idea  of  changing  a  green 
hillside  into  a  lecture  on  indichestion, 
und  making  all  der  pretty  trees  along 

109 


DINKELSPIEL'S     LETTERS    TO     LOOEY 

der  roadside  point  deir  branches  in  der 
direction  of  a  drug  store,  vas  wrong, 
but  mebbe  I  haf  too  much  poeticness  in 
my  weins  und  not  enough  pitzness. 

I  took  a  leedle  trip  to  Phillymadel- 
phia  on  der  cars  last  veek  und  it  vas 
den  dot  dis  idea  struck  me  mit  such 
a  forcibleness  dot  I  hat  to  pull  down 
der  blind. 

I  began  to  look  ouid  der  vindow  to 
admire  all  der  geography  vich  vas  rush- 
^^S  Py  ""<^  before  I  could  see  two 
spruce  trees  und  abouid  eighteen  blades 
of  grass  a  large  sign  chumped  before 
my  eyes  und  set :  "Sawdust  Fritters — 
Der  New  Breakfast  Food — ^Vunce 
Svallowed,  Nefer  Forgotten." 

I  vinked  my  eyes  a  cubble  of  times 
und  took  annuder  look,  und  dare, 
spread  carelessly  ofer  der  map,  vas  a 
sign  vich  set :  "Blonde  Pills  For  Brainy 
Peoples — Try  Vun  Box  Und  You  Vill 
Nefer  Try  Annuder." 

I  dodged  my  eyes  back  into  der  car 
und  glanced  dem  cautiously  ouid  der 
vindow  on  der  under  side  of  der  car, 
und  dare  I  saw  it,  "Drink  Binglebauer's 
Viskey — All  Judges  Say  It  Makes 
Trade  Lively — Eggspecially  Der  Po- 
lice Judges." 

110 


DINKELSPIEL'S     LETTERS    TO     LOOEY 

For  ten  minutes  I  sat  dare  mit  my 
eyes  close-fitted,  und  den  I  took  a  lee- 
dle  peep  ouid  der  vindow,  vich  resulted 
in  a  sign  vich  set:  "Smoke  Yellow- 
finger's  Cigaroots — Und  Die  Lingering 
But  Dopey." 

Den  I  began  to  argue  der  matter  mit 
myself,  und  I  came  to  der  conclusion- 
ing  dot  der  train  vas  still  in  der  heart 
of  cifilization,  und  ven  ve  reached  der 
real  country  der  landscape  vould  assert 
its  rights  und  begin  to  happen. 

Den  I  counted  350  mit  my  eyes 
closed,  und  den,  remoofing  my  fingers 
slowly,  slowly,  slowly,  I  took  a  sly 
glance  oferboard. 

Vot  I  saw  vas  a  big  sign  saying  dese 
solemn  vords:  "Be  A  Good  Chooser 
Und  Chew  Chawington's  Choo-Choo— 
Der  Gum  Dot  Doan'd  Come  OS" 

"Surely,"  I  vispered  to  myself,  mit 
my  back  to  der  vindow,  "surely  dare 
vas  a  wisitation  of  Nature  here  at  vun 
time  vich  must  haf  left  some  landscape 
behind  it,  but  vare  is  it  now?" 

Dus  in  deep  t'ought,  mit  both  hands 
pressed  hard  ofer  my  eyes,  I  sat  dare 
for  abouid  half  an  hour,  und  den  mit 
der  swiftness  of  der  turtle  dove  I  threw 
both  glances  ouid  of  der  vindow. 
Ill 


DINKELSPIEL'S     LETTERS    TO     LOOEY 

Vas  it  landscape  pure  and  simple  vich 
met  dose  glances? 
Nein. 

Children,  dear,  in  any  case 
Doan'd  drive  nails  in  mother's  face  I 
If  you  do  und  she  should  scream, 
Try     Mike     Schmidt's     Complexion 
Cream! 

It  vas  a  sign  vich  set  dese  few  but 
bitter  vords. 

Now,  I  ask  you,  Looey,  is  it  possible 
for  a  olt-fashioned  man  to  lead  a  re-? 
fined  life  in  such  a  atmosphere  as  dese  ? 

I  ask  you.  Looey. 


112 


VII. 
THE  SAENGERFEST  PARTY. 

Home.    Lately. 

MEIN  LIEBER  SON,  LOOEY— 
I  haf  receifed  your  letter 
from  Kansas  City  und  I  vas 
glad  to  hear  dot  you  vas  enchoying  goot 
healt',  und  dot  you  vas  making  a  suc- 
cess of  your  chob  as  a  drummer  in  der 
commercial  traveller  pitzness. 

Go  after  dem,  my  son,  und  alvays 
speak  veil  of  yourself,  because  you 
know  in  dis  vorld,  Looey,  nuddings 
succeeds  like  our  own  success. 

Ve  vas  all  veil  at  home  mit  der  eggs- 
ception  dot  last  Thursday  night  your 
mudder  gafe  an  onion  saengerfest 
party. 

You  know  vot  is  it? 

An  onion  saengerfest  party  is  vare  a 
bunch  of  peoples  get  togedder  in  der 
efening  und  spill  a  lot  of  cheap  songs 
ofer  der  parlor  until  dey  vork  up  a 
appetite  for  eferyding  eatable  in  der 
wicinity. 

IIS 


DINKELSPIEL'S     LETTERS    TO     LOOEY 

I  doan'd  know  vare  der  onion  comes 
in,  Looey,  but  I  dink  dot  vas  meant  as 
a  term  of  reproach. 

Dare  vas  present  your  mudder  und 
your  married  sister,  Elsie,  und  her  hus- 
band, Fred  Hauptgarten,  vich  vas  here 
mit  us  on  a  wisit  from  Milvaukee ;  und 
your  Uncle  Oscar  Schmittberger  und 
his  second  vife ;  und  Ludvig  Beerhaben 
und  his  stationary  vife;  und  Gust 
Schmalz,  und  Lena  Bauer  und  her 
fader  by  her  fairst  marriage,  und  Mr. 
und  Mrs.  Goofberger,  of  Staten  Island, 
yet. 

Eferyding  started  off  all  right  mit 
der  eggsception  of  your  Uncle  Oscar, 
vich  insisted  upon  singing  der  svan 
song  from  Lohengrin,  but  his  idea  of 
a  svan  vas  so  much  like  a  turkey  gob- 
bler dot  much  misery  loved  our  com- 
pany. 

I  hat  to  use  up  two  cold  bottles  of 
Ruinart  on  your  Uncle  Oscar  before  ve 
could  coax  him  avay  from  der  piano, 
und  den  he  vent  ouid  in  der  dining- 
room  und  beg^n  to  recite  der  hardest 
day's  vork  Goethe  efer  put  in  at  der 
poetry  pitzness,  mit  der  result  dot  he 
vas  overheard  by  our  Irish  cook  in  der 
kitchen  vich  hat  been  so  kind  as  to  per- 

114 


DINKELSPIEL'S     LETTERS    TO     LOOEY 

mit  herself  to  lif  mit  us  for  nearly  vun 
consecutif  mont',  vareupon  she  became 
emotionally  insulted  und  after  scatter- 
ing a  new  chicken  salad  all  ofer  der 
butler's  pantry  as  a  keepsake  to  her 
memory,  she  grabbed  her  satchel  und 
rushed  ouid  of  our  lives  forefer.  Four 
dollars  vich  your  mother  hat  paid  her 
in  advance  also  rushed  ouid  of  our 
lives,  too. 

After  all  der  eggscitement  vas  ofer 
und  your  Uncle  Oscar  vas  sleeping  mit 
magnificent  noises  on  der  dining-room 
sofa,  your  sister,  Elsie,  vas  coaxed  to 
sing  Frosty's  "Goot  Pye." 

You  know,  I  luff  your  sister  because 
she  vas  alvays  a  goot  daughter  to  me, 
but  I  vas  afraid  dot  if  Mr.  Frosty  efer 
heard  her  sing  his  "Goot  Pye"  he  would 
say  "der  same  to  you,  und  here's  your 
hat." 

Before  Elsie  vas  married  she  owned 
in  her  possession  a  very  sveet  mezzo- 
concertina  woice,  but  she  has  been  so 
long  avay  helping  Fred  Hauptgarten  to 
make  Milvaukee  famous  dot  now  her 
top  notes  sound  someding  like  a  cuckoo 
clock  after  it  has  been  up  all  night. 

Mebbe,  Looey,  it  vas  wrong  for  me 
to  speak  dus  abouid  my  own  flesh  und 

115 


DINKELSPIEL'S     LETTERS    TO     LOOEY 

blood,  but  ven  a  married  voman  mit 
sigs  fine  children,  vun  of  dem  at  Yale 
College,  geets  up  in  front  of  der  piano 
und  begins  to  say  "Goot  pye,  summer ! 
goot  pye,  summer!"  yust  like  she  vas 
calling  der  dachshund  in  to  dinner,  I 
dink  it  vas  time  dot  she  declined  der 
nomination. 

I  say  dis,  Looey,  not  because  I  luff 
moosic  less  but  because  I  luff  Elsie 
more. 

Den  Ludvig  Beerhaben,  after  figur- 
ing it  all  ouid  dot  dare  vas  no  chance 
of  his  getting  arrested,  valked  up  to  der 
piano  und  made  a  few  statements  vich 
in  deir  orichinal  form  vas  a  Scotch 
ballad  py  der  name  of  "Loch  Loh- 
mond." 

You  know,  Looey,  Ludvig's  idea  of 
speaking  der  English  language  is  to 
say  as  much  of  a  vord  as  he  can  re- 
member mit  his  woice  und  der  rest  of  it 
mit  his  hands,  so  you  can  imagination 
vot  he  dit  to  a  song  vich  has  an  oat- 
meal foundation  such  as  "Loch  Loh- 
mond." 

Ven  Ludvig  barked  ouid  der  fairst 
sentence  vich  says:  "Py  yon  bonnie 
bank  und  py  yon  bonnie  brae,"  you  can 
belief  me.  Looey,  eferybody  in  der  room 

116 


DINKELSPIEL'S    LETTERS    TO     LOOEY 

began  to  dink  abouid  der  eruption  of 
Mount  Vesuvius  und  vished  dey  vas 
vare  der  suffering-  vas  more  videspread 
und  not  so  personal. 

Und  ven  Ludvig  reached  der  dark 
meat  in  der  song  vare  it  says,  "You 
take  der  high  road  und  I'll  take  der  low 
road,"  your  mudder  took  a  drink.  Gust 
Schmalz  took  an  oath  und  I  took  a 
valk. 

Nefer  in  my  life.  Looey,  haf  I  heard 
a  song  so  roughly  handled,  und  all  der 
vile  Ludvig's  vife  sat  dare,  mit  der  glad 
und  vinning  smile  of  a  catfish  on  her 
face,  listening  mit  a  heart  full  of  pride 
vile  Ludvig  chased  dot  helpless  song 
all  ofer  der  parlor  und  finally  left  it 
unconscious  unter  der  sofa. 

Much  more  happened  at  der  onion 
saengerfest.  Looey,  inclusioning  your 
Uncle  Oscar  vich  fell  off  der  sofa  ven 
lunch  vas  announced,  but  vy  incrimi- 
nate? 

Ve  hat  raw  roast  beef  samviches  mit 
a  fringe  of  sliced  onions  for  lunch,  so 
all  is  svell  dot  ends  svell. 

Ve  notice  vot  you  say  it  in  your 
letter.  Looey,  about  der  eggspensive- 
ness  of  der  hotels  on  der  road,  und  ve 
qvite   make  an  agreement  mit  you — 

117 


DINKELSPIEL'8    LETTERS    TO     LOOEY 

eggspensiveness  is  der  keynote  vich 
forms  der  basis  of  der  idle  rich. 

Last  Sunday  your  mother  read  it  in 
der  newspapers  abouid  der  ettyket  vich 
alvays  goes  mit  der  proper  vay  to  dine 
yourself  at  a  fashionable  hotel,  so  she 
set  py  me :  "Dinky,  I  haf  learned  der 
ettyket  of  der  bongtong,  und  to  proof 
it  I  vish  you  vould  took  me  in  to  New 
York  und  let  us  dine  ourselfs  at  dinner 
in  der  eggsclusive  Saint  Reachus  Hotel, 
vot?" 

Vot  is  impossible  is  useless,  so  vy 
should  a  man  argument  mit  his  vife  ? 

Ve  vent  to  der  Saint  Reachus. 

It  vas  surely  a  svell  choint.  Looey, 
und  der  faces  of  der  clerks  und  der 
clocks  show  dot  much  money  changed 
pocketbooks  vile  der  place  vas  build- 
ing. 

In  der  lobby  der  furniture  vas  cov- 
ered mit  men  abouid  town,  vich  sat 
around  mit  a  check-book  in  each  hand 
und  made  google-goggle  eyes  at  der 
vimmens. 

Bell-boys  mit  gold-plated  card  trays 
rushed  bidder  und  tidder,  und  der 
shrieks  of  der  eggshausted  cash  regis- 
ters vas  pitiful. 

It  vas  der  fairst  time  your  mother 

118 


DINKELSPIEL'S     LETTERS    TO     LOOEY 

und  I  hat  efer  been  in  such  an  eggspen- 
sive  atmosphere — und  ve  breathed  mit 
caution. 

I  took  a  peep  at  der  diamond-backed 
dining-room,  und  ven  I  saw  der  vaiters 
refusing  eferyding  but  certified  checks 
in  der  vay  of  a  tip  I  set  py  your  moth- 
er :    "Darling,  dis  is  no  place  for  us !" 

But  ven  a  voman  vunce  makes  up 
her  mind  dare  vas  no  man  living  dot 
can  untie  it. 

So  ve  vent  in  der  dining-room  of  der 
Saint  Reachus. 

A  very  polite  leflftenant  vaiter,  mit  a 
sergeant  vaiter  und  two  corporal  vait- 
ers, greeted  us,  und  ve  gafe  der  coun- 
tersign— "Abandon  vealth,  all  ye  dot 
entrance  here!" 

Den  der  lefftenant  vaiter  und  his 
army  corps  deployed  in  columns  of  four 
und  escorted  us  to  der  most  eggspen- 
sive-looking  trough  I  efer  saw  in  a  di- 
ning-room. 

"In  my  heart  I  feel  it  dot  ve  vill  haf 
to  file  a  petition  in  bankruptcy  ven  ve 
leave  dis  place,"  I  vispered  to  your 
mother  as  ve  sat  down  in  der  onyx 
chairs  und  picked  up  our  point  lace 
naj^ins. 


lit 


DINKELSPIEL'S     LETTERS    TO     LOOEY 

"Que  souhaitez-vous?"  set  der  vaiter, 
bowing  so  low  dot  I  could  feel  a  cold 
chill  running  through  my  leedle  bank 
account. 

"Ach,  Himmel!  sure  I  feel  veil,  und 
dis  is  a  friend  of  mine,"  I  responsed, 
pointing  der  fork  set  mit  amethysts  at 
your  mother. 

Der  vaiter  bowed  vunce  more  until  I 
could  hear  der  muscles  in  his  shoulder- 
blades  cracking  like  a  vip. 

Den  ven  he  arose  himself  he  set: 
"Je  suis  tout  a  voire  service!" 

"Does  he  mean  it  is  someding  wrong 
mit  my  pompadour?"  vispered  your 
mother. 

"Nein,"  I  set,  smiling  politefuUy,  "he 
vas  yust  asking  if  der  family  vas  all 
veil  at  home." 

Vunce  more  der  vaiter  chackknifed 
himself. 

"Vot  is  a  good  idea  to  order  for  a 
cubble  of  appetites  dot  vas  yust  ouid 
seeing  der  sights  ?"  I  inkvired.  "Could 
you  please  suchchest  someding  dot  eats 
veil,  but  is  not  too  eggspensive  to  keep 
down?" 

"Oui,  out!"  set  der  vaiter.  "Une 
diner  comfortable  doit  se  composer  de 
potage,  de    volaille    bouillie    ou    rotie, 

120 


DINKELSPIEL'S     LETTERS    TO     LOOEY 

chaude  ou  froide,  de  gibier,  de  plats 
rares  et  distingues,  de  poissons,  de 
sucries,  de  patisseries  et  de  fruits!" 

I  looked  at  your  mother,  she  looked 
at  me,  den  ve  both  looked  ouid  der 
vindow,  und  vished  ve  hat  nefer  been 
born. 

"I  belief  you  mit  all  my  soul,"  I  re- 
sponsed,  after  a  vile,  "but  unless  you 
talk  Cherman  my  vife  prefers  to  eat 
in  English.  Haf  you  such  a  ding  in  der 
pantry  as  some  beefsteak  choked  mit 
onions  ?" 

"Oui,  oui,"  eggsclaimed  der  vaiter. 

"How  much  vould  it  be  der  price  for 
enough  beefsteak  choked  mit  onions  to 
cover  two  very  polite  appetites  ?"  I  ink- 
vired. 

"Nine  dollars  und  tventy-sefen 
cents,"  responsed  der  vaiter.  "Der 
tventy-sefen  cents  is  vot  der  beef  und 
onions  costs,  und  der  nine  dollars  vill 
help  to  pay  for  der  Looey  der  Fifteenth 
furniture  in  der  bridal  chamber." 

"Nefer  mind,"  set  your  mother; 
"onions  alvays  rush  to  my  woice,  und 
if  I  eat  dem  my  gonversationing  vill 
be  too  loud  for  dis  society  atmosphere. 
Make  annuder  guess.  Fodder!" 

"How  vould  a  sliver  of  roast  beef 

121 


DINKELSPIEL'S     LETTERS    TO     LOOEY 

und  some  beaten  potatoes  do?"  I  such- 
chested  to  der  vaiter.  "Vot  vould  be 
der  price  on  such,  please?" 

"Three  dollars  und  forty-two  cents," 
responsed  der  vaiter.  "Forty-two  cents 
for  der  order  und  der  three  dollars  to 
help  some  mit  der  French  velvet  cur- 
tains in  der  style  of  Looey  der  Fif- 
teenth in  der  golden  suite  on  der  second 
floor." 

"Maybe  a  little  sissage  mit  potato 
salad  is  less  notorious,"  vispered  your 
mother. 

"You  vas  right,  my  darling,"  I  re- 
sponsed. "Der  trail  of  der  millionaire 
can  nefer  be  across  der  face  of  anyding 
so  cheap  as  sissage.  Vot,  vaiter,  vot  is 
der  net  price  of  a  pair  of  sissages,  mit 
a  slight  effect  of  potato  salad  on  der 
side,  please?" 

"Four  dollars  und  eight  cents,"  set 
der  vaiter.  "Eight  cents  for  der  sis- 
sage und  der  four  dollars  for  der  Looey 
der  Fifteenth  draperies  in  der  drawing- 
room." 

"Perhaps  you  haf  a  bargain  counter 
somevare  in  der  beanery?"  vispered 
your  mother  to  der  vaiter,  but  der 
vaiter  only  bowed  und  sighed  und 
looked  at  his  gold  vatch. 

122 


DINKELSPIEL'S    LETTERS    TO    LOOEY 

"My  dear,"  I  set  to  your  mother, 
"ve  haf  already  displaced  about  sigsty 
dollars'  vorth  of  space  in  dis  hunger 
factory,  und  darefore  ve  must  behave 
like  chentlemen  und  .  «der  someding, 
no  matter  vot  is  der  cost.  Vot  is  der 
savings  of  a  lifetime  comparisoned  mit 
our  honor?" 

Der  vaiter  unhooked  annuder  deep 
bow. 

"Bring  us,"  I  set,  "bring  us  an  oat- 
meal omelette  und  vun  dish  of  prunes." 

I  vaited  till  he  translationed  dis  into 
French,  und  den  I  set:  "Und  on  der 
side,  please,  two  glasses  of  vater  und 
a  cubble  of  teethpicks.  Haf  der  prunes 
fricasseed,  please;  vash  der  vater  on 
both  sides,  und  bring  der  teethpicks 
rare. 

Der  vaiter  bowed  again  und  rushed 
avay.  All  around  us  ve  could  hear 
money  talking  to  itself.  Bankers  und 
brokers  ran  all  around  der  place,  hand- 
ing ofer  deir  day's  vages  to  der  cash- 
iers. 

Fair  vimmen  sat  at  der  tables,  pick- 
ing dishes  ouid  of  der  bill  of  fare  vich 
brought  der  blush  of  sorrow  to  der 
faces  of  deir  escorts.  It  vas  a  vonder- 
ful  sight,  eggspecially  for  dose  dot  haf 

123 


DINKELSPIEL'8     LETTERS    TO     LOOEY 

a  nerfous  chill  efery  time  der  gas  bill 
comes  in. 

Ven  ve  ate  our  modest  leedle  dinner 
der  vaiter  gafe  me  a  ticket  vich  invited 
me  to  pay  him  two  dollars  und  t'irty- 
t'ree  cents. 

"Der  t'irty-t'ree  cents  is  for  vot  you 
ordered,  und  der  two  dollars  is  for  der 
French  hangings  in  der  style  of  Looey 
der  Fifteenth  in  der  parlor,"  he  vis- 
pered. 

"Chee  viz!"  I  eggsclaimed,  "dot  fel- 
low Looey  der  Fifteenth  has  been  do- 
ing a  lot  of  vork  around  here,  ain't 
he?" 

Der  vaiter  bowed  und  kept  his  eye 
on  my  money,  vich  made  me  so  reck-- 
less  dot  I  gafe  him  a  tip  consisting  of 
fifteen  cents. 

Der  vaiter  looked  at  der  fifteen  cents 
und  turned  pale.  Den  he  looked  at  me 
und  turned  paler.  Den  he  tried  to  thank 
me,  but  it  choked  him.  Den  he  took  an- 
nuder  look  at  der  fifteen  cents  und 
fainted  dead  avay. 

In  der  eggscitement  I  took  your 
mother  und  eggscaped. 

Der  only  time  ve  vill  efer  go  in  der 
Saint  Reachus  again  vill  be  yust  after 
ve  haf  eaten  a  hearty  dinner. 

124 


DINKELSPIEL'S    LETTERS    TO    LOOEY 

You  ask  me  in  your  letter,  Looey,  to 
tell  you  vunce  more  abouid  der  night 
I  took  a  trip  in  der  Pullman  cars  und 
drew  an  upper  berth  so  you  can  repeat 
it  to  a  friend  of  yours  for  laughing  pur- 
poses. 

Your  father  has  nefer  refused  you 
anyding,  Looey,  so  vy  should  I  hold 
back  der  laugh  vich  is  on  me? 

From  my  eggsperience  dot  night  I 
am  chased  to  der  conclusion  dot  der 
upper  berth  in  a  Pullman  car  is  der 
same  relation  to  comfort  as  a  carpet 
tack  is  to  a  bare  foots. 

Der  night  I  took  dot  memomorial 
trip  to  Pittsburg  der  sleeping  car  vas 
crowded  from  der  cellar  to  der  attic 
und  dare  vas  much  internal  svearing 
among  dose  present. 

Vile  der  porter  vas  cooking  up  my 
attack  of  insomnia  I  vent  ouid  in  der 
smoking-room  to  drown  my  sorrow, 
but  I  found  so  many  udder  drowners 
dare  ahead  of  me  dot  I  hat  to  hold  der 
comb  und  brush  in  my  lap  und  sit  up  on 
der  towel  rack  vile  I  took  a  leedle 
smoke. 

Dit  you  efer  notice  in  your  trafels, 
Looey,  der  peculiar  hog  on  der  trains 
dot  pays  two  dollars  for  a  berth  und 

125 


DINKELSPIEL'S    LETTERS    TO     LOOEY 

alvays  displaces  eight  dollars'  vorth  of 
space  in  der  smoking  car?  He  smokes 
not,  needer  does  he  move,  but  dare  he 
sits,  eternal  as  der  Spinx. 

If  efer  dare  is  a  statute  needed  of  der 
patriot  Buttinski,  I  vould  suchchest  der 
smokeless  smoker  dot  trafels  on  der 
smokeful  smoker  cars. 

Sefen  chents  vas  discussioning  life 
insurance  ven  I  squeezed  into  der 
smoker,  und  I  chudged  dot  dey  all  hat 
lower  berths,  uddervise  deir  minds 
vould  not  be  busy  mit  dark  und  per- 
sonal fears  of  der  future. 

I  listened  to  dem  for  abouid  ten  min- 
utes, but  yoost  den  der  towel  rack  fell 
mit  a  crash,  und  after  I  picked  up  der 
comb  und  brush  und  der  soap  und  my- 
self I  decisioned  I  vould  retire  to  my 
bracket  on  der  vail  und  try  to  sleep. 

Ven  I  left  der  smoker  der  smokeless 
hog  vas  occupying  two  und  a  half  seats 
und  vas  now  busy  breathing  in  some 
second-hand  cigaroot  smoke  vich  no- 
body else  seemed  to  care  for. 

"How  do  I  reach  my  Alpine  bunga- 
low ?"  I  set  to  der  colored  porter,  vare- 
upon  he  laughed' teethfuUy  und  hit  me 
on  der  shins  mit  a  stepladder. 

Der  chent  in  der  lower  berth  under- 

126 


DINKELSPIEL'S     LETTERS    TO     LOOEY 

neath  me  vas  sleeping  as  loud  as  possi- 
ble, und  ven  I  started  up  der  steplad- 
der  he  began  to  render  Mendelssohn's 
obligato  for  der  trombone  in  der  key 
of  Chee. 

Above  der  roar  of  der  train  avay  off 
from  lower  No.  2  I  could  hear  an  an- 
swering bugle  call. 

I  climbed  up  prepared  for  der  vorst, 
und  in  der  tvinkling  of  a  eyewinker  der 
porter  removed  der  stepladder  und 
dare  I  vas,  sitting  on  der  per'lous  edge 
of  my  pantry  shelf  mit  nuddings  to 
comfort  me  but  der  eggshaust  of  a  pro- 
fessional snorer. 

After  abouid  fife  minutes  devotioned 
to  a  parade  of  all  my  sins  I  began  to 
try  to  eggstract  my  personality  from 
my  coat,  but  ven  I  pushed  my  arm  up 
in  der  air  to  get  der  sleeve  loose  my 
kennuckles  struck  der  hardwood  finish, 
und  I  fell  backwards  on  der  cast-iron 
pillow,  breathing  horsefully  like  a  busy 
Chack-rabbit. 

I  vaited  abouid  ten  minutes  vile  my 
brain  vas  bobbing  back  und  forth  mit 
der  eggscitement  of  running  50  miles 
an  hour  ofer  a  careless  part  of  der 
country,  und  den  I  cautiously  tried  to 
approach  my  shoe  laces. 

127 


DINKELSPIEL'S     LETTERS    TO     LOOEY 

If,  Looey,  if  you  vas  a  stout  und 
avoirdupoisy  man,  veighing  256 
pounds,  mostly  all  of  vich  is  in  der 
equator,  you  vould  appreciate  vot  it 
means  to  lie  on  your  back  in  an  upper 
berth  und  try  to  get  your  shoes  off. 

Efery  time  I  reached  for  my  feets 
to  get  my  shoes  off  I  bumped  my  head 
off,  und  der  more  I  bumped  my  head 
off  der  less  I  got  my  shoes  off,  so  I  de- 
cisioned  dot  in  order  to  keep  my  head 
on  I  better  keep  my  shoes  on  also. 

Den  I  tried  to  divorce  my  suspenders 
from  my  shoulders,  but  yust  as  I  got 
der  suspender  haf  way  ofer  my  head 
I  struck  der  crazy  bone  of  my  elbow  on 
der  rafters  und  dare  I  vas,  suspendered 
between  heafen  and  earth  und  praying 
mit  all  my  heart  for  a  bottle  of  arnica. 

Den  I  decisioned  to  sleep  as  nature 
made  me,  mit  all  my  clothes  on,  inclu- 
ding my  rubbers.  So  I  stretched  ouid, 
but  yust  den  der  train  struck  a  curve, 
und  I  vent  up  in  der  air  till  der  ceiling 
hit  me,  und  den  I  bounced  ofer  to  der 
edge  of  der  precipice  und  hung  dare, 
trembling  on  der  werge. 

Below  me  all  was  dark  und  gloomy, 
und  only  py  der  hoarse  groans  of  der 


128 


DINKELSPIEL'S     LETTERS    TO     LOOEY 

snorers  could  I  tell  dot  der  Pullman 
Company  vas  still  making  money. 

But  luck  vas  mit  me,  for  yust  den 
der  train  struck  an  inshoot  curve  vich 
pushed  me  to  der  vail  und  I  bumped 
my  head  so  completely  dot  I  fell  asleep. 

Ven  I  voke  up  it  vas  daylighting,  so 
I  decisioned  to  descend  from  my  cup- 
board shelf  at  vunce.  I  peeped  ouid 
through  der  alumillum  curtains,  but 
dare  vas  no  sign  of  der  colored  porter 
und  der  stepladder  vas  unvisable  to  der 
naked  eye. 

Der  car  was  peaceful  now  mit  der 
eggsception  of  a  chent  in  lower  4  dot 
hat  a  strangle  hold  on  vun  of  Beet- 
hoven's sonatas  und  vas  beating  der 
cadenza  ouid  of  it. 

I  made  a  short  prayer  und  conclu- 
sioned  to  fall  ouid,  but  yust  den  von  of 
my  feets  rested  on  something  solid,  so  I 
put  both  feets  on  it  und  began  to  step 
down. 

But  der  moment  I  put  my  weight  on 
it  my  stepping  stone  gave  vay  und  I  fell 
oferboard  mit  a  splash. 

"How  dare  you  put  your  feets  on  my 
head?"  yelled  der  man  on  der  ground 
floor  of  my  bedroom. 


129 


DINKELSPIEL'S     LETTERS    TO     LOOEY 

"Oxcoose  me,  it  felt  like  someding 
vooden,"  I  vispered,  vile  I  dashed  mad- 
ly for  der  smoker. 

From  dot  day  to  dis,  Lxx)ey,  I  half 
nefer  been  able  to  look  a  Pullman  car 
in  der  face,  und  ven  anybody  mentions 
an  upper  berth  to  me  I  lose  enough  ap- 
petite to  keep  me  in  hunger  for  a  veek. 


130 


VIII. 
THE  KEROSENE  WAGON. 

Home.    Now. 

MEIN  LIEBER  LOOEY— Ve 
haf  receife'd  your  letter  from 
Qefeland,  und  ve  vas  glat  to 
hear  it  dot  your  healt'  is  enchoying  it- 
self. 

Ve  vas  all  veil  at  home  mit  der  eggs- 
ception  dot  your  mother  is  still  learning 
to  play  britch  vist,  only  not  so  eggspen- 
sively  as  ven  I  last  wrote  you. 

She  is  now  able  to  make  it  a  no- 
trumper  mitouid  screaming  for  her 
pocketbook  five  minutes  later. 

I  notice  vot  you  set  in  der  letter 
abouid  nearly  getting  runned  ofer  py  a 
automobubble  in  Main  Street  in  Eau 
Claire,  Wis. 

Ach,  Himmel!  It  vas  pitiful  abouid 
der  eppydemic  of  automobilious  fever 
dot  is  now  dewastating  dis  fair  land. 

Eferybody  dot  efer  sqveezed  toged- 
<der  two  dollars,  und  held  on  to  dem 
after  der  grocer's  bill  vas  paid,  is  now 

131 


DINKELSPIEL'S     LETTERS    TO     LOOEY 

roaring  through  der  streets  in  some 
kind  of  a  fooHsh-vagon. 

It  vas  impossibility  any  more  to  look 
ouid  der  vindow  mitouid  seeing  der 
cheneral  public  scurrying  avay  from  a 
benzine  buggy  like  chickens  chased  py 
a  puppy  dog,  yet. 

Efery  day  you  read  it  in  der  news- 
papers how  der  valking  public  vas 
chased  und  persecutioned,  und  beaten, 
und  chumped  upon,  und  bruised,  und 
battered,  und  vipt,  und  slapped  in  der 
face  py  der  treacherous  devil  vagons. 

Like  der  skellington  in  der  closet,  like 
der  shadow  at  der  feast,  der  naughty- 
mobile  stands  between  der  valking  pup- 
lie  und  der  enchoyment  of  life. 

A  has  der  crazy  cart,  und  conspuez 
der  chuffer! 

I  haf  a  friend  py  der  name  of  Daniel 
Arthurhauser,  und  der  vay  der  auto- 
mobilious  fever  broke  ouid  in  him 
makes  der  pestilence  look  like  a  mild 
case  of  measles. 

I  t'ink  dot  you  know  Daniel  Arthur- 
hauser, yet. 

He  is  a  relative  py  marriage  mit  der 
celebrationary  stage  actress,  Mary 
Apenta,  owing  to  der  fact  dot  he  is  her 
husband,  alretty. 

132 


DINKELSPIEL'S     LETTERS    TO     LOOEY 

In  puplic  life  Daniel  is  a  manager, 
but  in  private  life  und  avay  from  der 
glare  of  der  feetlights  he  is  known  as 
Danapenta. 

Formerly  Dan  vas  a  chentle-man- 
nered  chent  mit  a  pleasing  woice  vich 
came  ouid  only  ven  spoken  to. 

But  since  Dan  vas  soaked  py  der 
automobilious  fever  he  seems  to  have 
ball-bearing  lungs  und  his  wocabulary 
stays  ouid  doors  all  day  long. 

His  conversationing  vas  now  as  fre- 
quent as  a  gas  meter,  und  der  trail  of 
der  horselessness  vas  ofer  it  all. 

At  der  breakfast  table  formerly  he 
vould  say  pleasantly  py  his  vife: 
"Mary,  my  dear,  vill  you  gif  me  a 
leedle  more  shredded  sawdust  und 
anudder  cup  of  coffee?" 

But  since  der  automobilious  fever 
grabbed  him  Daniel  now  says  it  at  der 
breakfast  table:  "My  dear,  turn  der 
accelerator  into  der  incendiary  vare  der 
spark-coil  abrogates  der  cornucopia 
und  let  me  haf  anudder  cup  of  gaso- 
lene !" 

I  vent  up-town  in  New  York  mit  him 
vun  day  to  a  garbage. 

Der  garbage,  you  know,  Looey,   is 


133 


DINKELSPIEL'S     LETTERS    TO     LOOEY 

der  place  vare  der  automobubbles  is 
kept  in  captifity. 

Ve  peeped  in  der  d(X)r,  und  dare, 
snorting  mit  der  smell  of  battle  in  deir 
nostrils,  stood  "Der  Red  Devil,"  "Der 
Crimson  Crusher,"  "Der  Blue  Death," 
"Der  Undertaker's  Delight,"  "Der 
Heliotrope  Homicide,"  "Der  Grave- 
digger's  Choy,"  "Der  Pink  Peril,"  und 
"Der  Rainbow  Roughhouse." 

It  vas  a  spectacle  to  stir  der  blood 
to  see  dem  machines  full  mit  gasolene 
und  panting  like  human  beings  in  deir 
eagerness  to  be  up  und  doing  some- 
pody. 

Arthurhauser  yust  vanted  to  hang 
arount  dot  garbage  all  day  und  vatch 
dem  mankillers  get  fed. 

Poor  Daniel !  he  has  now  der  busy 
barouche  on  der  brain. 

He  said  py  me  vun  day  lately: 
"Dinky,  I  haf  yust  bought  a  new  auto- 
mobuzzle.  It  is  a  runabouid.  To-mor- 
row I  vill  took  it  ouid  for  der  fairst 
time.  Vill  you  be  my  guest  in  der  run- 
abouid?" 

"No,  Daniel,"  I  set;  "but  I  vill  be 
your  guest  in  a  runabouid  of  my  own." 

Den  I  left  him  und  I  run  abouid  two 
miles  mitouid  stopping. 

134 


DINKELSPIEL'S     LETTERS    TO     LOOEY 

Ven  I  vish  to  commit  a  suicide  it  vill 
not  be  from  der  qvarterdeck  of  a  fool- 
ish vagon. 

Der  next  day  I  vas  stooding  on  der 
street  talking  mit  my  olt  college 
chumps,  Chilvio  Hein  und  Chene 
Cowlesbauer. 

Yust  den  der  fire  alarm  bell  started 
to  ring  der  velkin.  Der  steam  vissle  at 
der  lobster  factory  vare  der  dudes  come 
from  also  made  a  screech  of  alarm. 

"Vot  is  it?"  I  set,  mit  an  amazing- 
ment  in  my  woice. 

Chilvio  stood  dare  Hke  a  statue  of  ice 
cream.     He  vas  frost-bited  mit  terror/ 

"Run  for  your  life,  und  also  run  a 
leedle  for  mine !"  Chene  Cowlesbauer 
vispered.  "Der  terror  of  der  streets  is 
loose  again  !  Doan'd  you  hear  der  vam- 
ing  bells  ?  Look !  Look !  Der  puplic 
is  chumping  in  der  cyclone  cellars! 
Annuder  naughtymobile  horselessness 
is  ouid  seeking  whom  it  may  devour! 
Run  for  your  life,  und  run  a  leedle  for 
mine  also  on  der  side !" 

Den  my  two  friends  fell  ofer  der 
wall  into  a  stranger's  lawn  mitouid  a 
introduction,  und  I  stood  dare  vaiting 
to  see  vot  vould  happen  next. 

Suttently  it  happened. 

136 


DINKELSPIEL'S     LETTERS    TO     LOOEY 

Arount  der  corner  rushed  an  auto- 
mobuckboard,  utterly  beyond  all  human 
help.  It  vas  snapping  und  biting  at 
eferyding  in  its  pathvay. 

Seated  at  der  throttle  vas  Daniel 
Arthurhauser,  mit  a  horse  look  in  his 
eyes  like  vot  der  ancient  martyrs  used 
to  vear. 

Also  he  hat  four  dollars  in  his  left 
hand  as  a  revard  to  anyvun  dot  vould 
save  his  life  from  der  mad  machinery. 

After  der  automobuzzard  pushed 
down  four  lamp  posts  und  two  street 
cars,  und  chewed  der  shoulder  straps 
off  a  policeman,  it  vas  captured  py  a 
newspoy  und  killed. 

Den  Daniel  crawled  ouid  from  under 
der  grocer's  vagon  vare  he  landed  dur- 
ing der  eggscitement  und  began  to 
eggsplanation  dot  der  eccentric  had 
buckled  mit  her  parallelograms,  vich 
threw  der  hyperdermic  into  der  macera- 
tor,  und,  darefore 

But  der  eggspression  of  hate  und 
windictiffness  on  der  face  of  der  pant- 
ing automobusy  vas  too  much  for  me, 
und  I  fled  der  spot  yust  as  Chilvio  und 
Chene  vas  cameing  up  ofer  der  garten 
vail. 

Omar    Khayyam   vas    right,    Looey, 

136 


DINKELSPIEL'S    LETTERS    TO     LOOEY 

ven  he  set  it  dot  der  automobubble  is 
der  rich  man's  booze  und  der  poor 
man's  chaser. 

Yesterday,  Looey,  for  der  fairst  time 
in  dis  my  mortal  Ufe,  I  vent  ouid  speed- 
limiting  in  a  automobuzzer. 

Der  sensation  of  riding  in  a  automo- 
buzzer is  der  same  idea  as  falling  half 
vay  downstairs  und  den  changing  your 
mind  und  chumping  back. 

It  vas  at  der  inwitationment  of  my 
olt  college  chump,  Ferdinand  Hausen- 
bauer,  dot  I  took  dis  ride  in  der  auto- 
mobuzzer mit  him,  und  nefer  to  der 
end  of  my  dying  days  vill  I  forget  how 
much  I  stayed  up  in  der  air  und  how 
leedle  I  used  der  cushion. 

Ferdinand  keeps  der  delicatessen 
shop  on  Columbus  Afenue  near  der 
Circle,  und  he  is  his  own  chuffer. 

Dis  vord  chuffer  vas  removed  from 
der  French  to  description  a  man  dot 
runs  a  automobuzzer. 

Der  reason  dot  der  vord  vas  pinched 
from  der  French  is  dot  eferybody  ofer 
here  vas  busy  eider  learning  to  run  ma- 
chines or  learning  to  dodge  dem,  so  ve 
hat  to  borrow  chuffer. 

"Der  idea  is  to  remain  ouidvardly 
calm  und  indifference   in  der  face  of 

137 


DINKELSPIEL'S     LETTERS    TO     LOOEY 

danger,"  vispered  Ferdinand  as  ve 
rushed  into  der  boozum  of  a  flock  of 
cows. 

I  could  feel  der  finish  cameing. 

"Bet  you  a  pretzel  I  doan'd  touch 
dem !"  set  Ferdinand ;  den  mit  a  slight 
turn  of  der  wrist  he  chumped  der  auto- 
mobuzzer  across  der  road,  und  all  I 
could  feel  vas  der  short,  sharp  svish 
of  an  olt  cow's  tail  across  my  cheek  as 
ve  rushed  on  ouid  of  her  life  forefer. 

A  automobuzzer  flies  different  from 
a  hen,  because  a  hen  is  seldom  loose 
enough  to  get  ofer  a  fence.  To  a  auto- 
mobuzzer a  fence  is  merely  a  slight 
laughing  matter  vich  it  alvays  rises  su- 
perior to. 

"How  vas  business?"  I  inkvired,  und 
yust  den  der  machine  struck  a  stone 
und  I  vent  up  in  der  air. 

"Unsettled,"  set  Ferdinand  ven  I  got 
back,  und  I  bit  my  teeth  mit  embarrass- 
ments. 

A  automobuzzer  is  more  like  a  eagle 
in  its  flight,  only  it  doan'd  stop  for 
meals. 

To  hold  a  polite  conversationing  on 
a  automobuzzer  in  full  retreat  is  der 
same  idea  as  to  repeat  der  Declaration 
of  Independence  vile  falling  ouid  of  de 

138 


DINKELSPIEL'S     LETTERS    TO     LOOEY 

seventh-Story  vindow.  Der  adverbs 
growl  back  at  you  und  der  adjectives 
get  dizzy  und  fall  ouid  of  der  buggy. 

"How  much  dit  you  vin  on  der  races 
dis  year,  Ferdinand?"  I  inkvired  as  ve 
reached  der  top  of  a  steep  hill. 

Yust  den  my  stomach  refused  to  ac- 
company me  any  furder,  so  I  knew  ve 
hat  started  down  der  hill.  Ven  I  re- 
cofered  consciousness  der  hill  vas  many 
miles  behind  us,  still  vundering  vot  had 
struck  it. 

In  all  probabilities  a  automobuzzer  is 
more  like  a  tornado,  only  it  doan'd  get 
in  der  newspapers  so  often. 

Down  der  road  ahead  of  us  a  man 
und  his  vife  vas  quarreling.  Dey  vas 
so  busy  mit  deir  anger  dot  dey  did  not 
hear  us  sneaking  up  on  rubber  tires. 

Yust  as  ve  drew  near  dem  Ferdinand 
made  der  horn  become  der  author  of  a 
loud  "toot !  toot !" 

Der  voman  threw  up  both  hands  und 
leaped  for  der  man.  Der  man  threw 
up  both  feet  und  leaped  for  der  fence. 
Der  last  ve  saw  of  dem  dey  vas  enter- 
ing deir  modest  horne,  neck  und  neck, 
und  der  divorce  court  lost  a  bet. 

I  doan'd  know  how  dit  I  get  home, 
but  I  dit,  und  den  mit  dot  wanity  vich 

139 


DINKELSPIEL'S     LETTERS    TO     LOOEY 

is  der  curse  of  mankind  I  began  to  tell 
your  mother  vot  a  fine  time  I  hat  und 
vot  a  skinch  it  is  to  run  a  automo- 
buzzer. 

"Could  you  run  it  yourself  alone 
yet?"  inkvired  your  mother. 

"Vy,  mitouid  der  conclusion  of  a 
doubt!"  I  responsed,  und,  Looey,  vot 
do  you  dink? 

Your  mother  telephoned  for  der  lend- 
ing of  his  machine  to  Ferdinand,  und 
he  dit  it! 

Chee  viz !  vot  a  predicklement ! 

But  I  vas  game — you  know  your  fa- 
ther, Looey! 

Mit  your  mother  sitting  in  der  lim- 
burgerine  end  of  der  Coal-Oil  Coupe  I 
chumped  in  und  receifed  my  final  in- 
structionment  from  Ferdinand. 

"Now,  Dinky,"  he  set,  "grab  der  veel 
vich  is  in  front  of  you  firmly  mit  both 
hands  und  put  vun  foot  on  der  accelera- 
tor. Now  put  der  udder  foot  on  der 
rheostat  und  let  der  left  elbow  chently 
touch  der  deodizer.  Keep  der  blow- 
pipe connecting  mit  der  automatic  fog- 
vissle  closely  between  der  teeth,  und  let 
der  right  elbow  be  in  touch  mit  der 
quadruplex,  vile  der  apex  of  der  left 


140 


PINKELSPIEL'S    LETTERS    TO     LOOEY 

knee  vas  pressed  against  der  spark- 
coil." 

"Vy  doan'd  you  put  my  left  shoul- 
der to  work?  It  vas  der  only  part  of 
my  antimony  dot  ain'd  got  a  chob,"  I 
vispered. 

Ferdinand  vas  very  serious  abouid  it. 

"Now,  den,"  he  set,  "keep  both  eyes 
on  der  road  in  front  of  you  und  der 
rest  of  your  face  in  der  vagon.  Start 
der  driving  veels,  repeat  slowly  der 
name  of  your  favorite  Coroner,  und 
leave  der  rest  to  fate." 

Dus  ve  started  ouid  in  der  Busy 
Barouche. 

Abouid  half  a  mile  from  home  der 
machine  began  to  breathe  fast,  und  den 
all  of  a  sudden  it  choked  up  und 
stopped. 

"Vas  ve  shipwrecked  ?"  vispered  your 
mother  in  pleading  accents. 

"No;  I  dink  it  vas  der  cosmopolitan 
has  buckled  mit  der  condenser,"  I  set, 
und  den,  mit  a  monkey  wrench,  I 
crawled  under  der  machine  to  see  vare 
it  had  der  appendicitis. 

As  soon  as  I  crawled  under  der  bull- 
vorks  I  took  a  dislike  to  a  brass  valve 
und  began  to  knock  it  mit  der  monkey 
wrench,  und  der  valve  got  mad  at  me 

141 


DINKELSPIEL'S    LETTERS    TO     LOOEY 

und  spilled  abouid  a  pint  of  retired 
salad  oil  all  ofer  my  features. 

Ven  I  recofered  consciousness  der 
machine  vas  breathing  again,  so  I 
chumped  to  der  helm,  pointed  der  bow 
at  Yonkers,  und  avay  ve  vent. 

Now  it  seemed  dot  der  demon  of  un- 
rest vas  in  der  weins  of  dot  automo- 
buzzer,  for  it  began  to  chump  and  skip 
through  der  suburban  highvays  like  a 
antelope. 

I  patted  it  on  der  back  und  spoke 
soodingly,  but  it  vas  no  use. 

Your  mother  pleaded  mit  me  to  keep 
in  near  der  shore,  because  she  vas  get- 
ting seasick,  but  her  tears  vare  in  wain. 

Yust  den  someding  snapped  in  der 
boozum  of  der  machine,  und  it  started 
for  Halifax,  Nova  Scotia,  on  der  basis 
of  2,000,000  miles  a  minute. 

Your  mother  threw  her  arms  around 
my  neck,  und  I  threw  my  neck  around 
der  lever,  und  der  lever  threw  me 
down,  und  ve  both  threw  a  fit. 

A  man  vas  coming  tovards  us  on  a 
bisoocle,  but  ven  ve  met  him  he  seemed 
to  change  his  mind,  und  vent  over  in  a 
cornfield  und  tried  to  change  der  scen- 
ery mit  his  forehead. 


142 


PINKELSPIEL'S    LETTERS    TO     LOOEY 

Ve  kept  his  bisoocle  on  our  smoke- 
stack for  a  souvenir. 

Yust  den  der  machine  began  to  climb 
a  telegraph  pole,  und  as  it  ran  down 
der  udder  side  your  mother  vanted  to 
know  for  der  tenth  und  last  time  if  ve 
hat  stopped  off  at  a  powder  mill  during 
a  eggsplosion. 

"How  dit  Ferdinand  tolt  you  to  tame 
it?"  yelled  your  mother,  as  the  machine 
bit  its  way  through  a  stone  fence  and 
began  to  dance  over  a  strange  man's 
lawn. 

"Der  only  way  to  tame  it  is  to  get  a 
ax,"  I  yelled,  as  ve  struck  der  main 
road  again, 

"Ach,  Himmel!  let  me  ouid!  let  me 
ouid !"  shrieked  your  mother,  und  der 
machine  heard  her  und  made  good. 

I  found  ouid  aftervards  dot  in  order 
to  oblige  der  lady  der  machine  chumped 
up  in  der  air  und  turned  a  double  hand- 
spring, during  vich  ve  fell  ouid  and 
landed  in  vun  of  der  most  chenerous 
mud  puddles  I  efer  encountered. 

Den  der  automobuzzer  turned  around 
und  barked  at  us,  und  mit  a  visk  of  its 
tail  scooted  ouid  of  our  lives  forefer. 

Since  dot  awful  day  Ferdinand  hates 
dis  household  mit  all  der  bitterness  of  a 

143 


DINKELSPIEL'S     LETTERS    TO     LOOEY 

chuffer  for  his  fairst-born  automobuz- 
2er. 

Your  mother  is  now  so  nerfous  dot 
ven  any  vun  mentions  a  automobilious 
vagon  she  goes  in  der  butler's  pantry 
und  throws  dishes  at  der  butler. 


144 


IX. 

THE  WEDDING  PRESENT. 

Home.     Dis  Veek. 

MEIN  LIEBER  LOOEY— Ve 
haf  receifed  your  letter  from 
Spookane,  und  ve  vas  glat  dot 
your  healt*  continuations  to  be  com- 
fortable und  uneggscited. 

Eferyding  vas  quiet  und  peaceful  mit 
us  here  at  home  mit  der  eggsception 
dot  your  cousin,  Charles  Hausenbauer, 
vill  get  marriaged  to  Laura  Schmittzen- 
meyer  next  Chewsday  at  der  home  of 
der  bride's  parents,  vich  is  a  flat  ouid 
•Momingside  vay  mit  sigs  rooms,  four 
children  und  a  bath. 

Charles  is  a  nice  young  man  abouid 
der  23  age,  mit  a  slender  forehead  und 
a  chob  at  twelve  dollars  per  in  der  deli- 
catessen kept  by  Rudolph  Sauerface. 

Charles  has  vorked  for  old  man 
Sauerface  dese  last  sefen  years,  und 
der  boy  hat  great  eggspectations  from 
der  Boss. 

MS 


DINKELSPIEL'S     LETTERS    TO     LOOEY 

Charles  vent  py  him  und  set :  "Boss, 
I  going  to  get  marriaged,  mebbe,  yes !" 

Rudolph  looked  at  him  ofer  his 
glasses  und  set:  "Perhaps  you  vas, 
yes  !    Is  it  my  fault,  mebbe  ?" 

Charles  dug  der  end  of  his  shoe  in 
der  floor  und  responsed:  "Could  you 
holiday  me,  yes,  so  I  can  get  mar- 
riaged ?" 

"Dit  I  haf  a  holiday  ven  I  got  mar- 
riaged?" inkvired  Rudolph. 

"I  am  searchable,"  vispered  Charles. 

"I  vas  marriaged  during  der  dinner 
hour  und  vas  back  to  vork  before  der 
vissle  blowed,"  set  Rudolph. 

"I  can  unterstoot  all  dot — I  haf  seen 
your  vife,"  set  Charles,  more  in  pity 
den  in  sorrow. 

"Vot  prospectifs  haf  you  to  get  mar- 
riaged on?"  set  Rudolph. 

"I  t'ought,  mebbe,  you  vould  make 
my  vages  longer  to  spend  because  many 
years,  alretty,  haf  I  vorked  for  less, 
und  now  is  cameing  der  time  ven  two 
mouths  haf  more  appetite  den  vun,  und 
such  should  be  der  revard  vot  I  get, 
mebbe." 

"I  pay  you  now  twelve  dollars  per 
der  veek,  ain'd  it?"  set  Rudolph. 

"It  is  it,"  set  Charles. 

14« 


DINKELSPIEL'S    LETTERS    TO     LOOEY 

"Twelve  dollars  per  der  veek  is  a 
nice  bunch  of  money,  yet,"  set  Rudolph. 

"It  is,"  set  Charles,  "but  it  doan'd 
scatter  enough  ven  two  begins  to  live 
on  it." 

"Veil,"  set  Rudolph,  "ven  I  got  mar- 
riaged  I  lived  on  eight  dollars  per  der 
veek." 

"Yes,  but  my  vife  has  got  der  habit 
to  eat  at  least  tvice  a  day,  und  I  hate  to 
break  her  of  it,"  set  Charles. 

"Eggstravagance  is  der  root  of  much 
annoyance,"  set  Rudolph. 

"Den  I  doan't  get  der  vages  raised 
to  more  of  a  bunch  ?"  inkvired  Charles. 

"Vot  you  haf  got  you  get,"  set  Ru- 
dolph. 

Poor  Charles  bited  deep  on  his  t'umb 
und  valked  avay,  crestfallingly. 

"Vait,  Charles !"  set  Rudolph ;  "it  is 
dot  your  vages  keeps  stationary,  but  I 
vill  gif  you  some  adwice  vich  vill  safe 
you  abouid  nine  dollars  per  der  veek 
ven  you  get  marriaged,  mebbe.  I  haf 
been  dese  many  years  in  der  delicates- 
sen pitzness,  und  I  haf,  darefore,  fig- 
ured ouid  many  vays  to  eat  cheap,  und 
dareby  safe  your  money.  In  der  morn- 
ing, Charles,  let  me  gif  you  dis  idea 
abouid  breakfast,  vich  could  be  Mock 

147 


DINKELSPIEL'S     LETTERS    TO     LOOEY 

Ham  imd  Eggs,  und  vich  you  make 
dis  vay:  Place  der  vite  of  a  newspa- 
per in  der  frying  pan,  und  den  cofer  der 
center  mit  an  Italian  sunset  picked 
fresh  from  a  magazine  picture.  Dis 
forms  der  basis  of  der  egg,  und  it 
tastes  very  realistic.  Be  sure  to  get  a 
fresh  newspaper  und  a  fresh  maga- 
zine, uddervise  der  imitation  egg  vill 
be  dull  und  insipid.  Now  add  a  few 
slices  of  pickled  linoleum  und  fry  care- 
lessly for  twenty  minutes.  Serve  hot 
mit  imitation  salt  und  pepper  on  der 
side.  Dis  is  a  daylight  dish,  because 
der  sunset  effect  is  lost  if  cooked  after 
dark." 

Charles  looked  hard  at  Rudolph  vich 
prearranged  his  glasses  und  vent  on. 

"Now,  den,  Charles,  for  der  luncheon 
you  could  haf  Imitation  Sausages,  vich 
is  made  py  dis  leedle  processes,  yet: 
Coax  a  few  feet  of  garden  hose  into 
der  kitchen  und  den  kidnap  it.  Ven  it 
is  finally  subdued,  chop  it  into  sections 
und  stuff  it  mit  odds  und  ends.  Nice 
fresh  odds  und  ends  may  be  bought 
py  der  wholesale  at  any  fairst-class 
chunk  shop.  Place  der  result  in  a 
saucepan  mitouid  adding  any  vater,  be- 
cause if  you  put  vater  in  mit  der  gar- 

148 


DINKELSPIEL'S     LETTERS    TO     LOOEY 

den  hose  it  vill  get  up  und  go  ouid  on 
der  lawn.  Now  let  it  sizzle.  Ven  der 
imitation  clock  points  to  an  hour  und  a 
half  der  sausage  is  done.  Serve  hot 
mit  a  lawn  mower  to  cut  der  hose." 

Charles  vas  on  der  werge  of  a  col- 
lapse, but  he  changed  his  mind  und 
moved  over  near  der  door  vile  Rudolph 
vent  on  spending  his  adwice  like  a 
spendt'rift. 

"Now,  Charles,  for  der  dinner  you 
could  haf  fairst  of  all  some  Imitation 
Mock  Turtle  Soup,  vich  is  made  dis 
vay :  Go  ouid  in  der  garden  und  catch 
a  young  mock.  Remove  der  pin  fed- 
ders  und  place  der  mock  in  a  skillet. 
Catch  an  onion  ven  it  is  not  looking 
und  push  it  in  der  skillet.  Add  vater 
und  let  it  sizzle.  Add  more  vater.  Al- 
vays  boil  der  vater  before  adding,  und 
alvays  vash  der  vater  before  boiling. 
Let  it  sizzle.  Now  upset  der  skillet  into 
der  soup  tureen  und  add  imitation  to- 
bascum  sauce.  Nice  tobascum  sauce 
can  be  made  from  pickled  firecrackers. 
Serve  hot  und  keep  der  lips  closed 
firmly  vile  eating  it  from  der  left-hand 
side  of  der  spoon." 

Charles  vas  now  close  py  der  door, 


149 


DINKELSPIEL'S    LETTERS    TO    LOOEY 

praying  mit  both  hands  for  a  police- 
man, but  Rudolph  vent  right  on. 

"Now  den,  Charles,  comes  my  idea 
of  a  cheap  dinner  vich  you  could  haf 
Imitation  Roast  Beef,  as  following: 
Draw  from  memory  der  ouidlines  of  a 
cow  und  remove  der  forequarter.  Place 
der  forequarter  on  der  gridiron  und  let 
it  sizzle.  Now  brown  der  veats  und 
draw  vun.  Add  boiling  vater  und  stir 
chently  mit  a  imitation  spoon.  After 
cooking  two  hours,  try  it  mit  der  can 
opener.  If  it  breaks  der  can  opener,  it 
is  not  done.  Let  it  sizzle.  Ven  der 
supper  bell  rings  serve  hot,  mit  imita- 
tion pickles  on  der  side.  Nice  pickles 
can  be  made  from  green  trading 
stamps,  but  be  careful  to  squeeze  ouid 
all  der  premiums  from  der  green 
stamps  before  using." 

Py  dis  time  Charles  hat  fell  back- 
yards ouid  of  der  delicatessen,  und  he 
nefer  stopped  running  until  he  valked 
breat'lessly  into  der  presence  of  his  af- 
fianced bride. 

Ven  he  tolt  her  der  vedding  present 
dot  der  Boss  gifed  him  Laura  made 
him  rush  ouid  und  get  annuder  chob. 

Vich   he   dit — at   fourteen   per   der 


150 


DINKELSPIEL'S     LETTERS    TO     LOOEY 

veek,  und  I  dink  dey  vill  lif  happy  efer 
after,  mebbe. 

Last  efening  yo.ur  mother  und  me  ve 
vent  down  to  your  Uncle  Oscar 
Schmittberger's  for  a  sHght  game  of 
pinochle  vich  resulted  unconsciously, 
because  ve  found  your  Uncle  entertain- 
ing a  Cherman  nobility  py  der  name  of 
der  Count  Cheese  von  Cheese. 

Der  count  is  traveling  in  dis  country 
incogveels. 

Incogveels  is  a  vord  vich  means  dot 
his  majority  is  here  but  he  has  left  his 
plurality  at  home. 

In  udder  vords,  Looey,  ven  a  man 
trafels  incogveels  he  leaves  his  own 
name  at  home  in  der  safe  und  uses  a 
simpler  name  vich  fits  him  looser 
around  der  neck. 

Der  Count  Cheese  von  Cheese  vas 
introduced  to  me  as  yust  plain  Herr 
Bungstarter,  from  Berlin,  but  your 
Uncle  Oscar  vispered  to  me  in  der  but- 
ler's pantry  der  real  truth  abouid  de 
Count  incogveels. 

From  vot  your  Uncle  Oscar  insini- 
vated  I  chudge  dot  der  Count  Cheese 
von  Cheese  is  ofer  here  to  pick  ouid  a 
heiress  und  fall  in  luff  mit  her  because 
he  needs  der  money. 

161 


DINKELSPIEL'S     LETTERS    TO     LOOEY 

Efery  steamer  brings  dem  ofer, 
Looey,  some  incogveels,  some  in  dress 
suits,  und  some  in  hoc  signo  quinces, 
but  all  of  dem  able  to  pick  ouid  a  lady 
mit  a  bank  account  at  fifty  paces. 

It  is  getting  so  now.  Looey,  dot  a 
open-face,  stem-vinding  American  has 
to  kick  four  Dukes,  eight  Earls,  sefen 
Counts  und  a  cubble  of  Princes  off  der 
front  steps  efery  time  he  goes  to  call 
on  his  millionheiress  sveetheart. 

Ven  I  go  down  into  Vail  Street, 
Looey,  I  find  rich  men  mit  der  tears 
streaming  down  deir  faces  vile  dey  vas 
calling  up  on  der  tellyfone  to  see  if  deir 
daughter,  Cornicopia,  is  still  safe  at 
home  vare  dey  left  her  in  der  morning 
early  abouid  half  an  hour  ago. 

Ven  I  valk  through  der  audacious 
palaces  of  der  rich  on  Fifth  Afenue  I 
find  proud  mothers  bowed  mit  a  great 
grief  und  holding  on  to  a  rope  vich  is 
tied  to  deir  daughter's  ankle  so  she  is 
unable  to  run  ouid  on  der  front  pizazza 
und  throw  kisses  at  der  titled  foreign- 
ers. 

You  find  dem  eferyvare.  Looey,  rush- 
ing bidder  und  tidder,  und  sniffing  der 
air  for  der  odor  of  burning  money. 

Der  streets  cars  vas  full  mit  Earls 

152 


DINKELSPIEL'S    LETTERS    TO     LOOEY 

und  Baronets  und  young  Dukines  all 
trafeling  incog^eels  und  on  transfers. 
Dare  dey  vas,  Looey,  reading  der  pa- 
pers und  sitting  in  der  best  seats  in  der 
street  cars  until  an  heiress  chumps 
aboard  und  hands  dem  der  address  mit 
a  copy  of  her  papa's  bank  book.  Den 
dey  arise  demselfs  mit  a  true  nobility 
of  motion  und  inkvire  how  soon  vill  be 
der  vedding,  because  I  luff  you. 

Vy  should  it  be  dus,  Looey? 

Ve  haf  laws  in  dis  country  to  pro- 
tection der  birds  und  der  trees  und  der 
deer  und  der  squirrels  und  all  animals 
eggscept  dem  dot  can  be  reached  py  an 
automobile,  but  vy  doan'd  ve  haf  a  law 
to  protection  der  heiress  ? 

Vy  is  it  dese  titled  chents  borrow  car 
fare  to  come  ofer  here  und  give  dis  fair 
land  a  fit  of  indigestion?  Vy  do  dey 
set  deir  proud  feets  on  der  soil  on  vich 
our  forefathers  fought  und  bled  for 
deir  country,  und  for  vich  some  of  us 
vas  still  fighting  und  bleeding  der  coun- 
try?   Vy? 

Vy  do  dey  come  ofer  here  mit  a  sil- 
ver cigaroot  case  und  a  society  direc- 
tory und  make  efery  rich  man  in  der 
country  fasten  a  burglar  alarm  to  his 
check  book? 

188 


DINKELSPIEL'8    LETTERS    TO    LOOEY 

Find  Quid,  Looey. 

A  few  days  ago,  Looey,  vun  of  dese 
Counts  chumped  off  der  ocean  dachs- 
hund liner,  und  immediately  der  price 
of  padlocks  und  der  vages  of  private  de- 
tectives rose  to  der  highest  point  efer 
known  on  der  Stock  Exchange. 

All  ofer  der  country  rich  men  mit 
romantic  daughters  rushed  to  und  fro 
und  den  rushed  back  again.  Dey  vas 
up  against  vun  of  dem  crisises. 

If  you  vish  to  spend  abouid  three 
dollars  on  der  long-distance  tellyfone. 
Looey,  you  can  hear  dem  rich  fellows 
shrieking  der  battle  cry:  "To  arms! 
der  foe!  der  foe!  he  comes  mid  nud- 
dings  but  a  full  dress  suit  und  a  blank 
marriage  license !    To  arms !  to  arms !" 

Der  tellygraf  vires  vas  also  sizzling 
mit  der  eggscitement.  I  haf  seen  some 
of  der  dispatches  vich  dey  vould  make 
your  blood  curdle  mit  angvish  und  sor- 
row for  der  rich.  Dis  is  some  of  der 
dispatches : 

"Glens  Falls.    To-day. 

"At  ten-thirty  dis  morning  Rudolph 
Oscar  Puflfenlotz,  der  millionaire  stone- 
breaker,  read  der  startling  news  dot  a 
foreign  Count  had  yust  landed  in  New 
York.     His  emotion  vas  patetic.     His 

154 


DINKELSPIEL'S    LETTERS    TO     LOOEY     > 

daughter,  Gasolene  Panatella,  who  vill 
inherit  $19,000,000,  mostly  in  bonds, 
stocks  und  newspaper  talk,  vas  avay 
from  home  at  der  dental  parlor  ven  der 
blow  fell.  Calling  his  household  abouid 
him,  Mr.  Puffenlotz  rushed  into  der 
dental  parlor,  beat  der  dentist  down  mit 
his  bill,  dragged  Gasolene  Panatella 
home  und  locked  her  up  in  der  rear 
cupboard  of  der  spare  bedroom  in  der 
annex.  Her  teeth  suffered  some,  but, 
t'ank  Heafen!  her  money  vill  remain 
in  dis  country.  Der  community  breathes 
easier,  but  all  der  incoming  trains  vas 
being  vatched." 

Dare  you  see  it,  Looey,  to  vot  a  con- 
tingency ve  vas  cameing.  It  vill  be 
soon  dot  der  heiresses  vill  be  locked  up 
in  der  safety  deposit  waults  mit  papa's 
bank  book. 

Here  is  annuder  telegram  dispatch  in 
der  newspapers,  Looey.  Read  how  un- 
happy it  is,  yet: 

"Long  Island  City.     Lately. 

"Pinchenhauser  Shortface,  der  mil- 
lionaire, who  made  a  fortune  by  in- 
wenting  a  vay  to  open  clams  py  steam, 
has  determined  dot  no  foreign  Count 
vill  marry  his  daughter,  Sudsetta.  She 
vill  inherit  abouid  $193,000,000  in  se- 

155 


DINKELSPIEL'S     LETTERS    TO     LOOEY 

curities,  abouid  $i8  of  vich  is  loose 
enough  to  spend.  Der  unhappy  father 
is  building  a  spite  fence  around  his 
mansion  abouid  twenty-two  feet  tall, 
und  all  der  unmarried  millionaires  mit- 
ouid  daughters  vill  contribution  broken 
Ruinart  bottles  to  put  on  top  of  der 
fence.  If  der  Count  gets  Sudsetta  he 
is  more  of  a  sparrow  den  her  father 
dinks  he  is." 

You  see  it,  Looey? 

All  ofer  der  country  rich  men  vas 
dropping  deir  beloved  daughters  in  der 
cyclone  cellars,  und  hiding  mama's 
stocking  mit  der  money  in  it  ouid  in 
der  hayloft. 

I  vas  glat.  Looey,  dot  I  am  not  a  rich 
man  mit  a  daughter  dot  vas  eating  her 
heart  ouid  for  a  title  und  a  castle  on 
der  Rhinevine. 

No  female  child  of  mine  should  efer 
marry  a  tall  chent  mit  a  valet  sam- 
wiched  in  between  two  valises  und  a 
literary  education  vich  seldom  gets  be- 
yond I  O  U. 

See  vot  you  can  do  to  stop  it,  Looey, 
please. 


ise 


X. 

THE  MICROBE  CRAZE. 


M' 


Home.  Now. 
•EIN  LIBBER  SON  LOOEY— 
Ve  ha£  receifed  your  letter 
from  Harrisburg,  Pa.,  und 
ve  vas  glat  to  hear  dot  soon  you  vill  haf 
a  wacationment  from  your  duties  on  der 
road,  drummering. 

Ve  also  notice  der  leedle  choke  vot 
you  say  in  your  letter  abouid  der  rail- 
road samviches  going  on  a  strike  be- 
cause dey  haf  been  insulted  by  der 
Beef  Trust. 

But  dare  vas  vun  ding  for  vich  I 
haf  alvays  admirationed  der  railroad 
samvich,  Looey,  und  dot  is  its  modesty. 
It  has  nefer  claimed  to  be  someding 
vich  it  ain't.  You  nefer  heard  of  a  rail- 
road samvich  getting  sticked  on  itself 
und  eggsclaiming :  "I  am  der  brother 
to  der  ox,  und  der  best  juice  of  der 
beef  runs  in  my  veins !" 

Nefer,  Looey. 

Alvays  you  vill  find  it,  Looey,  going 

157 


DINKELSPIEL'S     LETTERS    TO     LOOEY 

modestly  und  smilingly  from  customer 
to  customer  und  being  only  vot  a  luff- 
ing nature  intentioned  it  should  be,  yust 
plain  sliced  boot  heels  set  in  gluten 
bread  from  der  Glue  Tree. 

Dis  recollections  me,  Looey,  dot  ve 
gafe  a  leedle  dinner  at  our  house  last 
T'ursday  efening  in  honor  of  Doctor 
Goosehauser,  vich  is  wisiting  here  from 
Chinchinnati. 

Among  dose  also  eating  vas  your 
Uncle  Oscar  Schmittberger  und  your 
Aunt  Weezie;  Ludwig  Truckenmuller 
und  his  daughter  Griselda;  Max  Beer- 
haben  und  Gust  Schmalz,  both  of  vich 
haf  fiancee  ideas  abouid  Griselda. 

You  know,  Looey,  Doctor  Goose- 
hauser is  vot  der  modem  school  of  med- 
icine vould  call  a  food  eggspert,  und 
eferyding  he  eats  has  to  gif  der  coun- 
tersign und  den  go  through  a  written 
eggsamination. 

Veil,  anyhow,  ven  der  festifities 
opened  Doctor  Goosehauser  picked  up 
a  trembling  leedle  neck  clam  on  der  end 
of  his  fork  und  gave  it  der  third  de- 
gree. 

"I  see  here  sympsons  of  sallysillic 
acid  mid  borax  phosphates  yust  vare 
der  leedle  neck  choins  der  shoulders," 

1M 


DINKELSPIEL'S    LETTERS    TO     LOOEY 

set  der  doctor,  vile  your  mother's  face 
got  red  und  I  hid  behind  a  glass  of 
vater. 

"Put  tobascum  sauce  on  it,"  advised 
Max  Beerhaben. 

"Have  a  lemon,"  set  Ludwig  Truck- 
enmuller;  "squeeze  it  ofer  der  clams 
und  make  a  vish." 

Der  doctor  set  no  more,  but  disap- 
peared der  clams, 

Ven  der  soup  came  on  der  doctor  up- 
lifted a  spoonful  and  sloshed  it  slowly 
back  into  der  plate. 

"Dot  is  Bull  Run  soup,  doctor!"  I 
eggsplained  it. 

"Booyon,  booyon  soup,"  set  your 
mother,  kicking  my  shins  unter  der 
table. 

"Here,"  set  der  doctor ;  "here  ve  haf 
traces  of  antiseptics  und  abouid  ten  per 
cent,  philharmonic  acid." 

"I  doan'd  belief  I  care  for  soup,"  said 
Ludwig,  paling  his  cheeks. 

"I  nefer  eat  soup,"  eggsclaimed  Gust 
Schmalz,  "because  it  removes  der  ap- 
petite too  soon." 

Der  doctor  set  nuddings,  but  disap- 
peared der  soup. 

Ven  der  fish  vas  brought  on  der  doc- 
tor danced  ofer  his  plate  mit  der  fork 

159 


DINKELSPIEL'S     LETTERS    TO     LOOEY 

und  set:  "Hydrostatic  acid  mit  here 
und  dare  sympsons  of  manganese 
cherms  und  a  few  sulphide  microbes." 

"I  promised  my  late  vife  nefer  to 
eat  fish,"  set  Ludwig,  mit  a  sigh  vich 
vas  pitiful  to  hear. 

Your  mother  vas  now  so  nerfous  dot 
der  hand  shook  like  an  ashpen,  but  der 
doctor  set  nuddings  und  disappeared 
der  fish. 

Den  ve  hat  some  chicken  in  der 
Maryland  style,  Cherman  fried  pota- 
toes, sliced  cowcumbers  und  lettuce 
salad. 

When  Ludwig  saw  all  dis  his  face 
broke  a  smile  ouid  und  ve  could  see  his 
appetite  roll  up  its  sleeves. 

"Here,"  set  der  doctor,  balancing  a 
chicken  ving  on  his  fork,  "here  is  a 
cold  storage  hen  vich  has  been  treated 
mit  corrosive  sublimity  to  keep  it  shiv- 
ering." 

"Pardon  me,  doctor,"  eggsclaimed 
your  mother,  "but  dis  is  not  a  cold 
storage  chicken,  because  I  bought  it 
from  Mrs.  Riley  dis  morning." 

"Possibly,  Mrs.  Dinkelspiel,"  set  der 
doctor,  "possibly  my  hurried  diagnosis 
vas  at  fault,  but  here  on  der  elbow  of 
der  ving  I   find  traces  of  pneumatic 

160 


PINKELSPIEL'S     LETTERS    TO     LOOEY 

poison  mit  sympsons  of  calisthenic  acid 
ofer  der  membranes." 

"No,  t'ank  you,  I  nefer  eat  chicken, 
it  makes  me  bilious,"  set  Ludwig,  mit 
such  hunger  in  his  woice  as  I  hope 
nefer  to  hear  again. 

Most  of  us  only  nibbled,  but  der  doc- 
tor disappeared  two  helpings. 

"Could  I  haf  some  Cherman  fried 
potatoes?"  vispered  Ludwig,  ven  der 
pangs  of  hunger  ofercame  him. 

"Here  ve  find,"  set  der  doctor,  hoist- 
ing a  sliver  of  Cherman  fried  high  up 
on  his  fork ;  "here  ve  find  der  bitterest 
effect  of  food  adulterationment.  Dis 
potato  vas  vashed  in  alum  vater  to  gif 
it  der  appearance  of  being  modern,  vile 
its  eyes  haf  been  treated  mit  belladonna 
to  make  dem  bright  und  snappy." 

Ludwig  groaned  pat'etically  und  der 
rest  of  us  tried  to  look  interested,  but 
only  succeeded  in  looking  seasick. 

Ven  der  ice  cream  und  cake  vas 
brought  on  Doctor  Goosehauser  drove 
his  spoon  down  deep  into  his  chocolate 
und  wanila  mixed,  und  set:  "Here  is 
a  most  pitiless  eggsposay  of  vot  trades- 
men vill  do  for  der  sake  of  money. 
Here  ve  find  dot  some  of  dis  cream  vas 
pale  originally  und  it  vas  treated  mit 

161 


DINKELSPIEL'S     LETTERS    TO     LOOEY 

aniline  dye  to  gif  it  dis  chocolate  eflfect 
und  den  baked  in  der  sun  to  deceive  der 
eye.  On  der  udder  hand,  ve  find  dis 
wanila  vas  originally  dark  und  forbid- 
ding, but  has  been  treated  mit  peroxide 
to  make  it  more  of  a  blonde." 

"Pardon,  doctor,"  eggsclaimed  your 
mother,  mit  her  teeth  chattering  toged- 
der  mit  nerfousness,  "but  dis  ice  cream 
vas  made  in  our  own  kitchen,  by  our 
own  cook,  Dora,  mit  cream  from  Mrs. 
Riley's  own  cow,  und  ve  nefer  use  ani- 
line dye  eggscept  at  Easter  on  der  eggs, 
yet." 

"Ah!"  set  der  doctor,  "den  in  dot 
case  it  is  traces  of  thanatopsis  vich  I 
see,  und  der  evidence  is  plain  dot  much 
artificial  frappay  has  been  used,  nefer- 
derleast." 

"No,  t'anks,"  set  Ludwig,  "I  nefer 
eat  ice  cream,  because  it  seems  to  go 
to  my  head  und  make  me  cold  to  my 
friends." 

"Took  dis  coffee,  for  instance,"  set 
der  doctor,  chuggling  a  spoonful  mit 
der  left  hand  und  four  lumps  of  sugar 
mit  der  right;  "here  you  vill  find  cop- 
per salts,  iodide  of  horseshoe  nails,  und 
fragments  of  kerosene  oil." 


1«2 


DINKELSPIEL'S     LETTERS    TO     LOOEY 

"No,  t'ank  you,"  set  Ludwig,  "I  nef- 
er  drink  coffee ;  it  makes  me  too  sleepy 
yust  abouid  bed  time." 

After  der  dinner  vas  ofer  Ludwig 
took  me  outside  and  vispered :  "Dinky, 
for  Gott's  sake,  der  next  time  you  gif  a 
dinner  party  cut  ouid  der  doctor  or  let 
me  vear  ear-muffs." 

Your  mother  has  not  spoken  a  sen- 
sible vord  since  dot  bitter  efening. 

Ve  vas  all  veil  at  home  mit  der  eggs- 
ception  dot  your  mother  is  got  vun  of 
her  cousins  from  Milvaukee  stopping 
at  our  house  py  der  name  of  Oscar 
Stottlebauer. 

Mebbe  it  is.  Looey,  you  doan'd  heerd 
your  mother  speak  much  abouid  dis 
Oscar  because  he  is  a  cousin  vunce  re- 
moved mit  also  long  bunches  of  trained 
hair  flowing  chently  ofer  der  shoulders 
from  der  apex  of  der  noodle  down- 
vards. 

Your  mother's  cousin  is  a  moosician 
und  he  has  came  to  New  York  from 
Milvaukee  mit  a  opera  vich  is  only 
slightly  concealed  in  public. 

Efer  since  Oscar  arrivaled  der  at- 
mosphere of  our  vunce  peaceful  home 
is  full  mit  shrieking  C-sharps  und  der 
trail  of  der  cadenza  is  ofer  it  all. 

163 


DINKELSPIEL'S    LETTERS    TO    LOOEY 

You  remembrance  dot  leedle  open- 
face  piano  vich  vas  in  der  sitting-room. 
Looey? 

Veil,  it  has  came  upon  bitter  days, 
poor  t'ing! 

Oscar  has  rattled  its  teet'  und 
tramped  on  its  pedals  so  much  dot  I 
doan'd  t'ink  it  vill  efer  be  quite  der 
same  piano  again. 

You  know,  Looey,  our  leedle  piano 
has  nefer  been  supcheckted  to  der  hard- 
ships of  a  two-handed  performer,  be- 
cause your  mother  only  uses  it  to  pick 
ouid  "Columbia,  der  Germ  of  der 
Ocean"  mit  der  t'umb  und  fairst  finger, 
und  vunce  in  a  great  vile  I  sit  at  it  und 
by  pressing  my  kennuckles  on  der  black 
keys  I  can  sqveeze  from  dem  der  tune 
called  "Should  Old  Acqvaintances  Be 
Forgetted !" 

You  can  darefore  unterstoot  it. 
Looey,  vot  a  shock  it  must  be  to  a  shy, 
timid,  home-luffing  leedle  piano  to  haf 
a  strange  man  mit  uncouth  hair  chump 
at  it  suttenly  und  begin  to  beat  opening 
choruses  und  ensembles  ouid  of  it  mit 
his  two  cast-iron  t'umbs  und  eight 
aluminus  fingers  all  vorking  at  vunce. 

Abouid    der    moosic    vich    Oscar's 


164 


DINKELSPIEL'S    LETTERS    TO    LOOEV 

cheenus  has  gathered  up  in  bunches  I 
haf  nuddings  to  say. 

Sometimes  it  sounds  like  Richard 
Wagner,  sometimes  Uke  Sebastian 
Bach,  und  sometimes  like  Helen  Blazes 
— ^mostly  like  Helen. 

Anyvay,  I  doan'd  see  how  Oscar  can 
be  such  a  goot  moosician,  because  he 
has  such  a  poor  memory. 

He  vas  eggsplaining  to  me  der  ud- 
der day  abouid  dis  inflictionment. 

"Vot  vould  you  suchchest,  Dinky," 
he  set.  "Mit  faces  I  haf  a  memory,  but 
mit  names  I  haf  a  forgettery.  Now 
here  is  in  New  York  a  young  lady  vicK 
I  vish  to  sing  der  sopranoess  moosic  in 
my  opera  py  der  name  of  Miss  Chris- 
topher, but  yust  der  moment  vot  I  step 
in  her  presence  her  name  vill  become 
omitted  from  my  mind  und  I  vill  begin 
to  shiver  from  pit  to  dome  mit  embar- 
rassings." 

"Vot  is  der  lady's  name  ?"  I  inkvired. 

"Miss  Christopher,"  he  set.  "You 
see  I  can  remembrance  it  all  right  till 
I  meet  her,  but  der  moment  she  speaks 
at  me  my  memory  gets  up  und  leaves 
der  room." 

"Miss  Christopher,"  I  set.    "For  der 


165 


DINKELSPIEL'S    LETTERS    TO    LOOEY 

improvement  of  der  memory  dit  you 
efer  try  der  assassination  of  ideas  ?" 

"No,"  set  Oscar,  "I  doan'd  much  be- 
lieve in  patent  medicine." 

"Dis  ain't  medicine,"  I  eggsplained. 
"Dis  is  fizzyolog^es.  Der  assassination 
of  ideas  is  vare  you  take  someding  vich 
you  alvays  forget  und  choin  it  to  some- 
ding  vich  you  alvays  memorize;  den 
ven  you  begin  to  forget  it  der  memory 
of  der  udder  idea  begins  to  short-cir- 
cuit der  brain  cells  und  der  result  is 
knowledge." 

"Dot  grows  plausible,"  set  Oscar. 

"Let  us  took  der  case  of  Miss  Chris- 
topher," I  went  on,  "Vot  is  der  assassi- 
nation of  ideas  mit  Miss  Giristopher  ?" 

"Der  center  of  der  stage,  der  star 
dressing-room  und  much  vages  veek- 
ly,"  set  Oscar. 

"Better  yet,"  I  set,  "better  yet  for 
dis  purpose  if  ve  take  a  ferry-house  for 
der  assassination  of  ideas  mit  Miss 
Christopher.  If  you  cannot  remem- 
brance Miss  Christopher,  you  can  rec- 
ollection Christopher  ferry,  can't  you, 
Oscar?" 

"Sure,"  he  set. 

"Veil,  dare  is  it,"  I  responded. 
"Dare  is  der  assassination  of  ideas  vich 

166 


1 

DINKELSPIEL'S    LETTERS    TO     LOOEY      ■ 

cures  der  memory.  All  der  vay  up  in 
der  cars  to  her  house  you  say  to  your- 
self, 'der  ferry-house !  der  ferry-house  I* 
Den  ven  you  meet  her  you  say  vunce 
more  to  yourself  internally:  'Der 
ferry-house!'  und  eggsternally  comes 
forth  from  der  assassination  of  ideas 
der  vords :  'Pleased  to  meet  you  Miss 
Christopher !' " 

Und  der  next  day  Oscar  called  on 
der  lady  und  eggsclaimed:  "Wie 
gehts,  Miss  Cortlandt !" 

But  vot  can  ve  eggspect  from  a  man 
dot  uses  up  all  der  inside  of  his  head 
as  an  anchorage  for  his  hair  ? 

Ve  vas  all  veil  at  home  mit  der  eggs- 
ception  dot  Aunt  Elsie  is  wisiting  mit 
us  from  Plainfield,  N.  J. 

Aunt  Elsie  vas  your  mother's  aunt, 
Looey,  but  chee  viz! 

You  haf  read,  Looey,  dot  book  by 
Olifer  Vandell  Holmes  called  der  "Au- 
tocrank  of  der  Breakfast  Table,"  ain't 
you? 

Veil,  such  is  Aunt  Elsie,  only  more 
so,  including  der  lunch  table,  der  din- 
ner table  und  der  glass  of  beer  table 
yust  before  bedtime. 

Your  Aunt  Elsie  believes  dot  con- 
versationing  vas  inwentioned  for  her 

1«7 


DINKELSPIEL'S     LETTERS    TO     LOOEY 

eggsclusive  use,  und  she  uses  it  eggs- 
clusively  to  der  eggsclusion  of  all  ud- 
ders in  der  room. 

Language  is  der  same  to  your  Aunt 
Elsie  as  seltzer  is  to  a  highball — ^vun 
of  der  necesseraries  of  life. 

I  luff  to  sit  around  der  parlor,  Looey, 
und  listen  at  any  person  discussioning 
der  topics  of  der  day,  und  if  vunce  in 
a  vile  dey  permission  me  to  come  in  mil 
"Ja"  or  "Nein"  I  feel  dot  life  vas  vorth 
lifing. 

But  no  human  being  efer  got  a 
chance  to  say  "J^"  or  "Nein"  vile  your 
Aunt  Elsie  vas  talking. 

Much  easier  is  it  for  a  camel  to  go. 
through  der  eye  of  a  noodle. 

You  vill  recollection,  Looey,  dot  your 
Aunt  Elsie's  husband,  vich  vas  called 
Uncle  Gustave  Shauerbath,  left  dis 
vorld  so  suttenly  dot  der  coroner  hat  to 
hold  a  post-morbid  eggsamination. 

Der  post-morbid  found  dot  Uncle 
Gustave  hat  died  from  a  rush  of  vords 
to  der  sarahbellum. 

Der  coroner  found  upon  eggsamina- 
tion dot  all  of  dese  vords  formerly  be- 
longed to  your  Aunt  Elsie,  mit  der 
eggsception  of  a  few  vich  vas  vunce  der 


168 


DINKELSPIEL'S     LETTERS    TO     LOOEY 

property  of  your  Uncle  Gustave's  fa- 
vorite bartender. 

Der  coroner  never  tolt  your  Aunt 
Elsie  der  painful  truth.  He  vas  afraid 
she  might  hand  him  a  fatal  rush. 

But  yesterday,  Looey,  ve  enchoyed 
much  amusement  at  der  hands  of  your 
Aunt  Elsie. 

Heafen  forgif  me  for  indulging  in 
dis  gossip,  Looey,  but  since  it  vas  all  in 
der  family  it  ain'd  such  a  harm. 

At  der  breakfast  table  your  Aunt 
Elsie  found  a  vedding  inwitation  vich 
vas  mailed  to  her  from  Plainfield,  und 
much  eggscitement  vas  der  result. 

Aunt  Elsie  read  der  inwitation. 
"Mr.  und  Mrs.  Rudolph  Ganderkurds 
request  der  honor  of  your  presence  at 
der  marriage  of  deir  daughter,  Ver- 
bena, to  Galahad  Schmalzenberger,  at 
der  home  of  der  bride's  parents,  Plain- 
field,  N.  J.,  October  First.  R.  S.  V.  P." 

"Veil,"  set  Aunt  Elsie,  "I  know  der 
Ganderkurds  und  I  know  deir  daugh- 
ter, Verbena,  und  I  know  Galahad 
Schmalzenberger;  he  is  a  floorwalker 
in  Bauerhaupt's  grocery  store,  but  I 
doan'd  know  vot  is  dot  R.  S.  V.  P., 
yet!" 

I  kicked  your  mother's  instep  unter 

169 


DINKELSPIEL'S     LETTERS    TO     LOOEY 

der  table  und  set  to  Aunt  Elsie :  "Veil, 
dot  is  a  new  vun  on  me  also.  Vas  you 
sure  it  ain'd  B.  &  O.,  or  C.  R.  R.  of 
N.  J.?  Dem  is  a  cubble  of  railroads, 
but  I  nefer  heard  of  der  R.  S.  V.  P." 

For  der  fairst  time  in  her  life  since 
she  vas  old  enough  to  g^ab  a  sentence 
between  her  teeth  und  shake  der  pro- 
nouns ouid  of  it  Aunt  Elsie  vas  dumb- 
pounded. 

She  kept  looking  at  der  inwitation 
und  saying  to  herself:  "R.  S.  V.  P.! 
vot  is  it?  I  know  der  honor  of  your 
presence;  I  know  der  bride's  parents, 
but  I  doan'd  know  R.  S.  V.  P." 

All  dot  day  your  Aunt  Elsie  van- 
dered  through  der  house  muttering  to 
herself:  "R.  S.  V.  P.!  vot  is  it?  Is 
it  some  secret  between  der  bride  und 
groom?  R.  S.  V.  P.!  It  ain't  my 
initials,  because  dey  begin  mit  E.  S. 
Vot  is  dot  R.  S.  V.  P.?  Vot  is  it? 
Vot  is  it?" 

Dot  efening  ve  vas  all  at  der  dinner 
table  ven  Aunt  Elsie  rushed  in  mit  a 
cry  of  choy.  "I  got  it !"  she  set ;  "I  haf 
untied  der  meaning  of  dot  R,  S.  V.  P. 
It  means  Real  Silver  Vedding  Presents 
— ain'd  dot  an  up  to  dateness  ?" 

I  vas  just  abouid  to  glass  of  vaten 

170 


DINKELSPIEL'S    LETTERS    TO    LOOEY 

myself  at  der  time,  but  I  changed  my 
mind  und  nearly  choked  to  death ;  your 
mother  tried  to  say  someding  vich  re- 
sulted only  in  a  gurgle  in  her  t'roat, 
vile  her  face  sunsetted  itself  mit  inter- 
nal laughter;  der  Svede  servant  girl 
rushed  ouid  in  der  kitchen  und  broke  a 
cubble  of  dishes  und  your  leedle  Max 
fell  off  his  chair  backvards  on  der  cat 
vich  nefer  dit  him  any  harm. 

Vile  all  dis  vas  happening  your  Aunt 
Elsie  recofered  her  voice  und  she  nefer 
let  go  of  her  recofery  until  bedtime. 

Ve  eggspect  dot  your  Aunt  Elsie's 
wisit  vill  subside  abouid  next  Vednes- 
day  und  den  vunce  more  der  duff  of 
peace  vill  make  its  nest  in  our  leedle 
home. 


171 


XI. 
THE   PHILOSOPHER. 

Home.    To-day. 

MEIN  LIEBER  SON  LOOEY— 
Your  letter  from  Syracuse 
vas  receifed  und  ve  vas  all 
glat  at  home  dot  your  fairst  trip  ouid 
has  been  such  a  successfulness. 

Ve  vas  glat  because  you  vas  glat  und 
ve  all  be  glat  togedder. 

Ingrowing  happiness  ain*d  no  goot 
only  for  der  selfish. 

Ven  a  man  keeps  his  happiness  for 
his  own  personal  use  he  soon  makes 
himself  tired. 

Let  der  face  be  open  und  aboveboard 
und  cover  it  mit  a  smile. 

A  sour  man  is  like  vinegar  to  der 
eyesight,  but  a  happy  eggspression  is  a 
ice-cutter  alvays. 

If  your  father  gifs  you  a  leedle  lec- 
ture in  dis  letter,  Looey,  it  vas  yust  be- 
cause news  vas  as  shy  as  der  man  dot 
plays  poker  mit  a  pants  button. 

172 


DINKELSPIEL'S     LETTERS    TO     LOOEY 

Besides,  Looey,  dis  vas  a  private  let- 
ter from  father  to  son,  und  if  it  should 
fall  into  der  hands  of  der  puplic  dey 
doan't  haf  to  pay  anyding  for  admis- 
sion, yet. 

I  see  it  in  your  letter.  Looey,  dot  you 
spent  two  dollars  und  t'irty  cents  to 
hold  up  your  end  even  ven  you  was 
only  drinking  chincher  ale. 

Dot's  right.  Looey,  be  a  goot  fellow, 
but  doan'd  be  a  goot  ding. 

It  vas  better  to  be  too  chenerous  den 
too  stingy,  because  a  stingy  man  is  his 
own  vorst  punishment. 

A  mean  man  has  all  he  makes,  but  he 
makes  no  difference. 

A  chenerous  man  gifs  eferyding  avay 
und  manufactures  happiness. 

A  stingy  man  only  gifs  himself  avay, 
und  nobody  vants  him. 

Ve  vas  all  glat.  Looey,  dot  you  like 
your  chob  as  a  drummer. 

Contentment  vas  vun  of  der  finest 
sensations  dot  efer  crept  into  a  man's 
mind  und  vanted  to  stay  dere. 

Your  lot  may  be  lowly,  but  happiness 
is  not  alvays  in  der  high  places. 

Look  at  der  Sar  of  all  der  Roosians. 
On  der  retreat  from  St.  Petersburg  der 
only   ding   he   touched   vas   der  high 

173 


DINKELSPIEL'S    LETTERS    TO    LOOEY 

places,  und  he  dittent  haf  time  to  stop 
to  tie  his  left  shoe. 

Be  satisfied  mit  vot  you  haf,  but 
doan'd  let  dis  prewent  you  from  try- 
ing to  get  a  leedle  more. 

Remember  dot  many  a  man  dot  nefer 
hat  his  name  in  der  newspapers  on  dis 
eart'  vill  be  famous  in  Heafen. 

Cheerfulness  vas  annuder  nice  idea, 
Looey,  because  it  gifs  der  laugh  to  hard 
luck. 

Speak  alvays  der  pleasant  vord  of 
cheer  to  der  veary  pilgrim  by  your 
feetside,  but  doan'd  vorry  him  too  much 
or  he  may  dink  you  vas  a  bunkum 
steerer. 

Remember,  a  pleasant  vord  in  der 
3voice  is  vorth  two  in  der  mind. 

Und  be  an  independence,  Looey. 

Independence  used  mit  der  proper 
accent  vas  always  a  vinner. 

It  vas  for  independence  dot  our  fore- 
fathers fought  und  bled  deir  country 
at  Bunker  Hill  und  mapped  ouid  der 
city  of  Boston  so  Tom  Lawson  could 
use  it  to  have  his  frenzies  in. 

Independence  mit  a  nice  mixture  of 
common  sense  is  vot  efery  man  should 
haf. 

If  der  vorld  knows  dot  you  vas  a  man 

174 


DINKELSPIEL'S     LETTERS    TO     LOOEY 

mit  veak  knees  it  vill  gif  you  a  chance 
to  use  dem. 

Your  mother  says  she  vill  send  you 
a  bottle  of  home-made  chow  chow  by 
mail  to  Harrisburg. 

She  says  you  can  eat  it  in  der  dining 
car  on  der  train  und  make  der  udder, 
passengers  chealous. 

I  haf  been  reading  dot  book  vich  you 
made  me  at  Christmas  vich  is  called 
"Omar  Khayyam." 

I  haf  heerd  before  many  peoples 
speak  abouid  der  beauties  of  Omie's 
philosophy  und  I  vas  glat  to  see  it. 

To  me  Omie's  philososophy  is  like 
vun  of  his  own  Persian  rugs — beautiful 
to  look  at  but  eggspensive  to  valk  on. 

It  seems  too  bad,  Looey,  dot  some 
of  dose  great  philososphers  ain'd  living 
in  dese  days  ven  ve  haf  so  many  dings 
to  use  philososify  for. 

I  vas  making  a  leedle  philososify 
myself  dis  morning  und  I  vould  vish 
you  to  glance  it  ofer  carelessly  to  see 
haf  I  got  Omie  stunged. 

Visper!  Ouid  in  der  vildemess  mit 
a  loaf  of  bread,  a  flask  of  vine,  a  book 
of  werse  und  dow,  vas  a  nice  idea  if  you 
know  der  vay  home  again. 

Efery  rose  has  its  t'om,  but  ven  a 

175 


DINKELSPIEL'S    LETTERS    TO    LOOEY 

smart  man  sits  vunce  on  a  tack  efer 
after  does  he  look  at  der  chair  fairst. 

Visdom  may  be  food  for  der  vise, 
but  der  chump  prefers  coffee  und  sink- 
ers. 

Visper!  No  vurm  efer  turned  ven 
trodded  upon  if  der  trodder  vas  on  his 
chob. 

Men  haf  ofercame  mountains,  but  no 
man  can  ofercame  a  skinch. 

Efery  successful  man  began  at  der 
bottom  und  nailed  der  ladder  before  he 
started  to  climb. 

Visper!  Ven  a  man  begins  at  der 
top  look  ouid  for  a  goot  hart  bump ! 

Truth  is  stranger  den  fiction,  but  fic- 
tion vill  keep  you  guessing  longer. 

Visper!  A  house  divided  against  it- 
self falls,  but  vile  it  is  dividing  der  vise 
man  gets  der  dividends. 

It  is  easy  to  call  a  hypocrite  a  goot 
fellow,  but  der  trouble  is  you  doan'd 
"belief  yourself. 

Visper !  Der  man  dot  sows  der  most 
vild  oats  in  his  youth  is  der  same  man 
dot  has  to  eat  der  most  cracked  oats 
in  his  age. 

A  man  must  grow  olt  to  haf  a  mem- 
ory; der  young  haf  none. 

Visper !  A  mind  mitouid  a  conscience 

176 


DINKELSPIEL'S     LETTERS    TO     LOOEY 

is  like  a  rudder  mitouid  a  ship.  It  can 
steer  all  right,  but  dare  is  nudding  to 
steer. 

Der  human  butterfly  loafs  among  der 
sveet  flowers  of  praise,  but  der  ice- 
cutter  goes  from  his  office  to  der  bank 
und  is  content. 

A  great  man  can  make  any  business 
greater,  but  a  small  oyster  cannot  do 
much  mit  a  big  stew! 

Visper !  Der  vay  of  der  transgressor 
is  hard  on  his  family. 

In  politics  no  man  is  a  transgressor 
until  he  is  found  ouid — den  he  is  a  slob. 

Between  two  evils  choose  der  vun 
least  likely  to  be  talked  abouid. 

Visper!  I  have  seen  much  und  I 
haf  heerd  much,  but  I  haf  spoke  less 
den  I  seen,  und  talked  less  den  I  heerd. 
It  is  a  vise  tongue  dot  knows  der  right 
listener. 

Your  mother  says  it  dot  I  should  gif 
you  in  dis  letter  all  der  home  news,  vich 
I  vill  dit  it. 

All  vas  quiet  at  home  mit  der  eggs- 
ception  dot  burglars  broke  in  our  house 
Vednesday  night  und  stole  half  a  dozen 
knives,  but  dey  showed  vot  bad  table 
manners  dey  hat  by  forgetting  to  took 
der  forks  also.    I  tolt  der  police  abouid 

177 


DINKELSPIEL'S    LETTERS    TO     LOOEY 

it,  but  dey  set  der  choke  vas  on  der 
burglars,  because  to  took  anyding 
sharp  Hke  a  knife  mituoid  leaving  a 
penny  for  it  cuts  friendship. 

All  vas  quiet  here  at  home  mit  der 
eggsception  dot  der  t'ermometer  got 
tired  der  udder  night  und  vent  down  to 
free  degrees  below  keno,  vich  bursted 
der  vater  pipes,  und  for  two  days  ve 
hat  an  attack  of  plumbers  in  our  midst, 
vich  is  vun  of  der  most  eggspensive  dis- 
eases in  all  der  history  of  nux  vomica. 

Ve  vas  all  veil  und  happy  at  home 
mit  der  eggsception  dot  burglars  broke 
into  our  house  last  Tuestay  und  stole 
two  vases  from  der  mantelpiece  und 
four  octaves  from  der  piano.  I  tolt  der 
police  abouid  it  und  der  police  smiled 
furiously. 

All  vas  cheerful  here  at  home  mit  der 
eggsception  dot  your  Uncle  Herman 
Splevin  is  wisiting  us  from  Paterson, 
N.  Chay.,  und  he  has  brought  mit  him 
an  attack  of  nervous  procrastination, 
vich  forces  him  to  took  a  glass  of  viskey 
efery  half  hour  py  der  doctor's  orders, 
vich  includes  in  der  prescription  dot  I 
must  pay  for  der  viskey.  Der  only  sat- 
isfaction abouid  it  is  dot  Herman  vas 
on  his  vay  to  der  Zoo  ven  he  arrived 
178 


DINKELSPIEL'S    LETTERS    TO    LOOEY 

mit  us,  und  now  it  is  only  a  qvestion  of 
a  few  more  half  hours  before  his  col- 
lection of  vite  mice  und  pink  center- 
pedes  vill  be  complete. 

Ve  vas  all  veil  at  home  und  efery- 
ding  vas  peaceful  mit  der  eggsception 
of  your  mother,  vich  concluded  vunce 
more  dot  she  vas  getting  too  fat,  so  she 
secured  annuder  passion  for  physical 
torture  to  tease  herself  thinner.  Last 
night  abouid  twelve  o'clock  she  hat  an 
attack  of  Indian  clubs,  vun  of  vich  vas 
contagious,  because  it  settled  on  my 
chest  und  spoiled  my  singing  woice. 
Den  she  became  attached  to  a  pair  of 
dumbbells  and  struggled  mit  dem  for 
five  minutes,  until  vun  of  dem  left  her 
und  vent  ouid  through  der  bedroom 
vindow,  vich  caused  a  rush  of  police- 
men to  der  scene.  For  my  part,  I  dink 
fatness  is  no  crime,  but  an  angry  dumb- 
bell in  der  hands  of  a  veak  voman  is 
der  gatevay  vich  leads  ouid  on  der  road 
to  ruin. 

All  vas  quiet  und  peaceful  at  home 
mit  der  eggsception  dot  burglars  broke 
into  our  house  T'urstay  night  und  stole 
der  alarm  clock.  Dis  comes  as  a  great 
blow  to  me,  because  now  I  vill  not  be 
able  to  know  ven  to  vake  up  ven  der 

179 


DINKELSPIEL'8    LETTERS    TO     LOOEY 

next  burglars  come  around.  I  tolt  der 
police  abouid  it,  but  dey  set  dot  time 
vas  flying  und  how  could  dey  catch  a 
tempus  fugit  burglar  mitouid  a  airship ! 

Ve  vas  all  veil  at  home  mit  der  eggs- 
ception  dot  your  leedle  brother  Max 
has  an  attack  of  Indian  fever,  vich 
caused  him  to  took  der  carving  knife 
und  enter  der  parlor  stealthfully,  vara 
he  climbed  up  in  a  chair  und  scalped  a 
painting  of  Chorge  Vashington  Cross- 
ing der  Delavare.  He  removed 
Qiorge's  vig  from  der  right  ear  to  a 
point  abouid  sigs  inches  from  der 
Chersey  shore,  und  ven  your  mother 
found  him  he  hat  moved  der  chair  ofer 
unter  a  painting  of  Frederick  der 
Grosse  und  hat  separated  Frederick 
from  all  of  his  buttons  und  part  of  der 
Imperial  chin.  After  seferal  doses  of 
your  mother's  slipper  der  Indian  fever 
has  supsided,  und  leedle  Max  is  so  busy 
trying  to  figure  ouid  ven  he  vill  be  able 
to  sit  down  again  dot  he  has  no  time 
for  udder  eggsploits. 

Ve  vas  all  veil  at  home  mit  der  eggs- 
ception  dot  your  mother  has  begun  der 
Sprink  housecleaning,  und  ven  I  ain'd 
busy  falling  ofer  a  roll  of  carpet  some- 
vare  I  vas  cherierally  to  be  found  in  a 

180 


DINKELSPIEL'S     LETTERS    TO     LOOEY 

death  struggle  unter  der  stairs  mit  der 
carpet-sveeper  or  der  hallrack,  vich  has 
crept  upon  me  unavares  und  gafe  me 
der  Jewish  jitsu. 

Ach,  Looey,  how  I  luflf  dis  idea  of 
housecleaning  ven  comes  der  chentle 
Sprink ! 

You  know,  Looey,  your  mother  has 
a  bitter  wendetta  against  der  microbe 
family,  und  to  efery  cherm  she  is  a  spe- 
cial meeting  of  der  Black  Hand. 

All  ofer  der  house.  Looey,  dare  vas 
nudding  but  eggscitement  und  soap- 
suds. 

All  der  day  long  der  brooms  und  der 
fedder  dusters  vas  flying  ofer  der 
household,  und  many  a  insect  vich 
t'ought  he  hat  a  Summer  residence  und 
a  meal  ticket  for  life  unter  our  carpet 
is  now  a  ouidcast  und  a  homeless  van- 
derer. 

All  der  pictures  in  der  parlor  haf 
been  cofered  mit  cheesecloth  so  der 
flies  doan'd  use  dem  for  autograph  al- 
bums dis  Summer. 

You  know  dot  preferred  steel  en- 
graving of  "Chorge  Vashington  Cross- 
ing Der  Delavare"  vich  alvays  hung  py 
der  door  of  der  sitting  room,  Looey  ? 

Veil,  it  ain'd  dare  no  more. 

181 


DINKELSPIEL'S     LETTERS    TO     LOOEY 

To  help  mit  der  housecleaning  your 
mother  encaged  a  girl  vich  upon  close 
eggsamination  proved  to  be  a  Svede 
mitouid  any  knowledge  of  der  Enklish 
lankvich  beyond  such  preliminary  vords 
as  "Prosit !"  und  "Gesundheit !" 

Der  full  name  of  der  girl  vas  Helga, 
but  alvays  in  our  hearts  she  vill  live  py 
der  fairst  syllabus  of  der  name. 

Anyhow,  Looey,  after  your  mother 
hat  made  signs  mit  der  fingers  und 
shouted  at  Helga  for  five  minutes,  der 
girl  finally  vent  up  der  stepladder  to 
bring  down  der  picture  of  Chorge  so 
she  could  get  der  dust  off  der  river  und 
make  der  ice  look  cool  und  refreshing 
for  der  Summer. 

Helga  vas  eggstremely  superstitious 
mit  regards  to  der  stepladder,  und  she 
approached  it  mit  der  same  confidence 
in  it  dot  a  Russian  Cheneral  has  in  a 
bum-chell. 

Up  she  vent  mit  all  der  enthusinism 
of  a  sleepy  snail,  und  yust  ven  Helga 
reached  ouid  to  get  Chorge's  picture 
der  door  bell  rang  und  your  mother  hat 
to  stop  holding  der  stepladder  und  go 
to  answer  it. 

It  vas  den  dot  dings  began  to  happen. 

Der  stepladder  started  to   vobbling 

182 


DINKELSPIEL'S     LETTERS    TO     LOOEY 

und  Helga  started  to  yelling  mit  a 
Svedish  accent  dot  listened  like  a  forty- 
year-old  newsboy  trying-  to  sell  a  fake 
eggstra. 

She  made  a  grab  at  der  mouldering 
on  der  top  of  der  vail,  but  der  moulder- 
ing refused  to  associate  mit  her  und 
Helga  started  on  der  downvard  path. 

Den  she  clutched  vildly  at  der  frame 
of  Chorge's  picture,  mit  der  result  dot 
Chorge  and  his  boatload  of  refined  of- 
ficers choined  Helga  und  vent  mit  her 
on  her  downvard  path,  because  vunce 
a  chentleman  alvays  a  chentleman. 

Ven  your  mother  got  back  to  der 
room  she  found  Helga  mit  her  head 
unter  der  sofa,  screaming  for  a  Svedish 
doctor,  vile  der  stepladder  rested 
amusingly  across  her  shoulders  und 
kept  her  lashed  to  der  mat. 

Und  den,  ven  your  mother  tried  to 
coax  der  stepladder  avay  Helga  began 
to  kick  mit  both  feets,  vun  of  vich  re- 
moved der  t'ree-cornered  hat  from 
Qiorge's  head,  und  den,  mit  a  Svedish 
shriek,  she  put  her  left  foot  through 
der  Delevare  River  und  spilled  der  ice 
all  ofer  der  carpet. 

It  vas  a  bitter  moment,  Looey,  but  it 
only  goes  to  proof  vot  dangers  und  per- 

183 


DINKELSPIEL'S    LETTERS    TO    LOOEY 

ils  surround  us  during  der  houseclean- 
ing  times. 

Your  mother  says  dot  I  should  make 
you  in  dis  letter  a  nice  bunch  of  chokes 
vich  vould  mebbe  cheerful  you  a  leedle. 
I  ain'd  much  of  a  hand  mit  chokes 
mineself,  but  I  vas  talking  mit  Gust 
Bauerschmidt  yesterday,  und  he 
laughed  me  intensely. 

You  know  Gust  Bauerschmidt, 
Looey! 

He  is  der  floorvalker  in  a  informa- 
tion bureau  at  der  Grand  Central  De- 
pot. 

Gust  vent  into  a  barber  shop  der  ud- 
der day. 

"Say!"  set  der  barber,  "your  hair 
needs  cutting  in  der  vorst  vay  !'* 

"Yes,"  set  Gust,  "dot's  der  vay  you 
cut  it  last  time !" 

Gust  has  a  leedle  boy  py  der  name  of 
Chonny,  und  he  vas  sliding  down  der 
banisters  der  udder  day  ven  his  mother 
caught  him. 

"Vot  vas  you  didding,  son?"  she  in- 
kvired. 

"I  vas  making  trousers  for  der  or- 
phans," said  leedle  Chonny. 

"Chonny,"  set  Gust  to  his  son,  "I 
vant  you  to  be  a  goot  boy." 

184 


DINKELSPIEL'S     LETTERS    TO     LOOEY 

"I  vill  be  goot  if  you  gif  me  a  nickel," 
set  Chonny. 

"No,"  set  Gust,  "I  vant  you  to  re- 
member dot  you  cannot  be  a  son  of 
mine  unless  you  be  goot  for  nudding." 

Gust  got  a  new  cook  at  his  house  und 
his  vife  set  to  her:  "Minnie,  haf  you 
cracked  dose  nuts  for  dinner?" 

"Yessum,"  set  Minnie,  "all  but  der 
big  vuns — I  couldn't  get  dem  in  my 
mouth !" 

Gust's  vife  vas  vun  day  in  a  large 
compartment  store  ven  der  floorvalker 
rushed  up  to  her  und  set :  "Hurry  ouid, 
madam,  der  store  vas  on  fire !" 

"Ach!  is  it?"  set  Gust's  vife;  "den  I 
vill  vait  for  der  fire  sale !" 

Gust  vas  talking  mit  his  doctor  vun 
day,  eggspressing  his  symptoms,  und 
he  set :  "Doctor,  vas  Velch  rabbits  un- 
healthy?" 

"I  couldn't  say,"  set  der  doctor;  "I 
vas  nefer  called  in  to  attend  vun." 

Vun  day  a  man  came  up  to  Gust  und 
set :  "Say,  doan'd  you  vant  to  buy  vun 
of  dose  attachments  dey  put  on  a  piano 
to  make  it  go?" 

"Nein,"  set  Gust;  "der  Sheriff  put 
vun  on  our  piano  two  days  ago,  und  it's 
gone !" 

185 


I 


DINKELSPIEL'S    LETTERS    TO    LOOEY 

A  tramp  rushed  up  to  Gust  vun  day 
vile  he  vas  in  der  bureau  und  tried  to 
vork  him  for  der  price  of  a  ticket. 

"I  vas  trying  to  get  home  to  my  poor 
olt  mother,"  set  der  tramp,  "She  ain't 
seen  my  face  for  ten  years." 

"I  guess  dot  vas  der  truth,"  set  Gust; 
**vy  doan'd  you  vash  it  vunce?"    • 

Gust  vas  buying  a  horse  von  day 
from  a  horse  dealer  in  New  Rochelle. 

"Is  der  horse  sure-footed?"  inkvired 
Gust. 

"Dot  horse  sure-footed!"  set  der 
dealer;  "veil,  I  should  say  so!  Vy,  he 
kicked  my  vife's  mother  three  times  in 
der  same  spot." 

Gust  has  a  dog.    It  is  a  dachshund. 

Gust  calls  him  a  bird  dog  because  he 
valks  pigeon-toed. 

Sometimes  I  dink  Gust's  dog  must 
be  a  spaniel,  because  he  likes  to  chump 
in  der  vater  und  soak. 

I  dink  Gust's  vatch  must  be  a  spaniel 
also.    It  is  in  soak  most  of  der  time. 

Gust's  dog  vunce  saved  a  house  from 
burning.  Der  dog  found  a  box  of 
matches  on  der  floor  und  svallowed  dem 
before  dey  dit  any  damage. 

Der  dog  has  been  light-headed  efer 
since. 

186 


•MINNIE,  UAF    TOU   CRACKED   DOSE  NCT8  FOR  DINNER?" 

Page  185. 


DINKELSPIEL'S    LETTERS    TO     LOOEY 

Gust's  dog  is  very  smart.  He  vanted 
to  learn  to  be  a  vatch  dog,  so  he  ate  der 
alarm  clock, 

I  hope  dese  vill  cheerful  you,  Looey. 

But  if  dey  doan'd  tease  your  laugh- 
ability,  remember,  Looey,  dot  Gust  is 
der  manufacturer. 

Your  father  vas  only  der  retailer  und 
should  be  kept  blameless. 

Your  mother  und  me  ve  remem- 
branced  dot  last  Tuestay  vas  your 
birt'day,  Looey,  und  ve  vas  mit  you  in 
der  spirits. 

Your  Uncle  Rudolph  dropped  in  und 
he  vas  also  mit  you  in  der  spirits — 
mostly  viskey  und  lemons. 

If  you  get  all  der  healt'  dot  your 
Uncle  Rudolph  drunk  to  you,  Looey, 
den  you  vill  make  olt  Metoozelum's 
record  look  like  der  vork  of  a  dyspepti- 
cated  piker. 

Efery  time  dare  vas  a  recess  in  der 
conwersationing  your  Uncle  Rudolph 
vould  fill  der  flowing  bowl  und  after 
vishing  you  der  complimentaries  of  der 
season  he  vould  supmerge  himself  in 
der  grocery  store  red-eye  vich  your 
mother  keeps  for  cooking. 

Und  ven  der  shades  of  efening  fell 
ofer  der  scenes,  und  your  Uncle  Ru- 
le? 


DINKELSPIEL'S    LETTERS    TO    LOOEY 

dolph  started  to  zigzaggle  homevard, 
he  vispered  py  your  mother:  "Kata- 
rina,  if  any  mistake  has  been  made 
abouid  der  date  of  Looey's  birt'day  send 
me  qvick  vord  und  I  am  here  again  mit 
louder  vishes  for  his  healt'  und  a  longeil 
first!" 

Den  he  rolled  off  der  front  steps  und 
half-vay  ofer  der  lawn  mitouid  spilling 
nuddings. 

Py  Chove,  Looey!  und  you  vas  now 
tventy-four  years  of  old! 

Qiee  viz !  how  Time  has  got  flies  on 
it! 

It  seems  like  it  vas  only  yesterday 
dot  you  vas  yust  a  leedle  baby,  und  here 
is  it  you  vas  now  ouid  earning  your  own 
lifing  und  alvays  a  goot  son  to  your  olt 
father  und  mother. 

Ve  ain't  got  any  presents  to  gif  you, 
Looey,  mit  der  eggsception  dot  your 
mother  has  bought  you  abouid  eight 
dollars'  vorth  of  neckties,  vich  vill  send 
a  shiver  of  eggscitement  through  your 
system  from  pit  to  dome  ven  you  see 
der  colors. 

I  vas  sending  you  yust  a  copy  of  der 
leedle  werses  dot  I  made  for  you  ven 
you  vas  only  vun  year  old. 


188 


DINKELSPIEL'S    LETTERS    TO     LOOEY 

Mebbe  it  is  dot  you  vould  like  to  read 
dem  again,  because  as  I  set  it  den  I  say 
it  now,  Looey,  und  I  hope  it  is  dot 
some  day  you  vill  say  der  same  idea  to 
your  own  leedle  vun-year-older. 

Dese  is  der  leedle  verses.  Looey,  und 
I  haf  made  dem  ofer  in  my  own  hand- 
Sirritings  like  dis,  yet: 

I  VUNDER  VY. 
Ven  I  come  home  py  night  times,  yet, 

Und  sit  down  py  a  chair, 
Und  small,  vee,  leedle  hants  dey  make 

Some  pullings  mit  my  hair; 
Und  ven  a  woice  mitouid  some  vords 

To  my  woice  has  replied, 
I  vunder  vy  my  face  it  makes 

A  smile  yust  fempf  feets  vide? 

Ven  vee,  small,  leedle  hants  dey  grasp 

My  vedder-beaden  nose, 
Und  dare  is  kickings  from  a  lot 

Of  leedle  pink-vite  toes : 
Und  leedle  eyes  dey  blink  at  me 

Und  say,  "Ach !  I  know  you !" 
I  vunder  vy  I  get  some  smiles 

Dot  breaks  my  face  in  two? 


189 


DINKELSPIEL'S    LETTERS    TO     LOOEY 

Ven  leedle  eyes  vas  closed  in  sleeb, 

Und  his  vee,  chuppy  hant 
It  holts  my  finger  tight  so  he 

Feels  safe  in  fairylant, 
I  vunder  vy  from  ouid  my  eyes 

I  brush  avay  der  tears, 
Und  ask  der  goot  Lord,  "If  You  please. 

Be  kind  through  all  der  years?" 


THE  END. 


1M 


University  of  California 

SOUTHERN  REGIONAL  LIBRARY  FACILITY 

Return  this  material  to  the  library 

from  which  it  was  borrowed. 


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